Friday, June 5, 2015

Do you know why people wish they were dead? Understanding Suicidal Thinking

Intro: I write this from the mind-frame of someone who has suicidal thoughts. I do not have them today, but I write this to be informative and give insight so that if you have someone in your life you might be able to understand how they think or even if you yourself have suicidal thoughts you might be able to identify with some of them and know you are not alone.


Have you ever wished you were dead? I have. Some times these thoughts are far away and rarely cross my mind, but other times they cling by closely, hanging around like a sticky spider web that just won't shake off, junking up my thinking.

Photo Credit: Katey Smothers

Most of the time what proceeds suicidal feelings are thoughts and occurrences that make you think  that your life is little, your impact is little, that people do not move forward or upward by your existence but that you are a weight, a load, or a liability to the people you consider in your inner circle.

When you see no purpose for your life, when people don't talk to you or enjoy you, when you don't make or keep real friendships, and/or when you believe almost everyone in the world would just go on living if you did not, it is easy to start feeling like you and everyone else would be better off if you were no longer living.

Most people who wish they were dead, already feel dead. They go through the motions of life as though they were characters of mindless "walking dead" bodies feeding off of those who live. And these thoughts and feelings can be passing or simply come upon you like a fog that will not clear.

When a person thinks they are not noticed, asked, invited, included, thought of, recommended, chosen or wanted by others, it is easy to feel dead, because you already feel basically invisible.

Negative Attention

And if people prone to suicidal thoughts are noticed it is frequently not in a good way. It is because they are seen as aggravating, a nuisance, an embarrassment or oddball (to say the least). They know if they disappeared for weeks on end, no one would barely miss them. People on purpose do not make a point to include them in anything important, meaningful or necessary.

Do you know what rejection feels like? Do you know what it is like to be outgoing, energetic, talkative and to be avoided, shunned and not responded to. At least when someone is important, they get a rejection letter. Imagine what it feels like to be told over and over you will be contacted and you never receive that call. I have stopped counting the number of times that has happen to me.

Frankly, my life does not cross many others in a way that I am uniquely connected. Of course, I have many casual encounters, but they end in don't call me, I will call you. And if you do call or get in touch, likely you will never hear back.

Am I repeating myself? Of course, because this kind of life is a broken record; it is a continual pattern; it has been lived over and over for the past fifty years.

No One Knew, How Could They Know

And when I do the evil thing of daring to speak up and openly say what I am thinking; I am wrong and hurting people. I apologize and promise to be better, to act the more proper role, to be a better person. Because no one wants to know when you feel like this.... but they all love to say when a person is gone, "if I only knew," "oh, how selfish," "why didn't she/he tell anyone," "I didn't have a clue," or "how could he/she think that way?"

They beat themselves up. Agonize over what they might have done differently. But the truth of the matter is no one would have done anything differently because they DID NOT. That is the truth; that is what is so freaking upsetting about when someone you know is having suicidal thoughts. You really don't want to know; You don't need that kind of problem; You don't want to deal with such negativity; You don't want your life interrupted or bothered. It is really not your problem; it is his or hers.

Yes, a person with suicidal thoughts needs help. They need someone to listen who will help them get out of the negative downward spiral of thought.

What If You Believe In God?

And for someone who does not believe in God, life = continuing on and death = ending it all. But for the one who believes, life = continuing on and death = a brand new perfected life. So it is even harder for someone who believes in eternal life to cling on to earthly life and the misery that is so often associated with living as a human in the flesh. It is only knowing Biblical truth that keeps a believer in God from NOT killing themselves, but so many “believers” are never taught the BIBLE.

I am not going to kill myself; I am not strong enough to do that, and more importantly my faith in God is stronger than me.

I am not going to kill myself; I am not strong enough to do that, and more importantly my faith in God is stronger than my own will in me.

I know I must renew my mind and stop thinking negatively. Reading the Bible or Books with a lot of Bible included are very helpful for renewing your mind. In doing this I renew my thoughts to think as God thinks. God made me and He alone gets to pick how and when I will die. The choice is not mine if I am surrendered to HIS will.

I must be willing to serve, I must focus on Jesus and let HIM rise to top in my priorities. Pleasing Him must be everything to me.

John the Baptist says in John 3:30:
"He must increase, but I must decrease.

Can I become nothing to the world for Him? Am I willing to be unseen for His sake, so that He may be seen? Can I find fulfillment in this kind of living?

Jesus in the garden weeping blood before being sentenced to death and going to the cross says this to God, in Luke 22:42:

 "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done."

Can I endure earthly suffering for the sake of Jesus? He did for me. If He is really everything I need and if I have Him, why do I ever see myself as lacking or needing more? If He has chosen me, isn't that everything, essentially the only thing that is important? This are huge questions to not be taken lightly or flippantly. Of course, the churchy answer is YES, yes. But what are the real answers; the answer God already knows because He knows my spirit and soul.

HOWEVER, if a person does not know God, can't you see how he/she might not have the ability to renew his or her mind? They don't know how to begin; what to think; how to stop the destroying thoughts. And these thoughts come from the Destroyer, the enemy of our soul, the enemy of God. Satan wants to kill, steal and destroy people and all that is good. He wants to rid the world of anything that has to do with Jesus and the Bible. Ever wonder why school curriculum is godless?

But I do know God and His Word, and I am still growing and learning. Therefore, it no wonder when I sing praises to God, I am so exuberant. God saved me from physical death before it was my time and spiritual death.  I know every breath I take is because of Him, so every minute I live is for Him. My life has been bought, purchased, redeemed. I am not my own. I am a living walking testimony that God is real and this faith is not blind faith but faith that comes by life and death experience. I live today, because He LIVES!

Just like this blown glass, we are each uniquely beautiful to God!

Is God my crutch? No, He is my reality check. He gives my life balance and gets my mind back into healthy thinking.

If you need help or no someone who needs help reach out. There are so many places and people that really want to help even though it seems like they don’t. Let someone know you are seriously struggling. And if that person does not help speak up again, and again. Cry out to God. HE will HEAR you, but you MUST listen to Him and obey. He wants to set you free from suicidal thoughts. He wants you to know the truth -- that you are precious to HIM! That He loves you and accepts you as you are today.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Rude, Raw, Received - We Have a Personal Lord and Have Walked Our Own Path

Someone who loves me spoke words to me that hurt. She seemed rude. Her words felt like a slight, but the person said she meant it from a positive place through their experience and journey.

We are chiseled in life etch by etch until will shine with light

For her words matched her walk and experience and seemed a universal truth. But when one is a daughter of the King she must know first that God alone is the voice that must be obeyed and honored. Advice that seems good for all may not be in proper timing for each. I know that I myself make this error many times, more times than I will probably ever know. With God we have our own personal path, when surrendered we are letting him complete us in His own timing. It is easy to judge from the outward appearance but God sees the inward and deals on levels that are unseen usually to the observer.

Comments made can cut to the core,

They often hit truth and carve us raw,

Exposing what we know-- but are not

Ready to receive, in wrong timing.

Words can be perceived as rude,

That are spoken in love,

When a person does not know,

The experience of another.

Still we must learn to love

Just receive from her heart

Does that means-- it's good for us?

No hurt, no pain or meanness.

We must each be sensitive

To God, speaking in the Spirit

And with His filter and timing,

But since we are not Him - We must live surrendered.

Each to HIS Lordship

In our own life and path.

In grace, reduce words spoken

In His sieve, receiving His Words.

Alone. Knowing His voice

Is really what matters,

His opinion and whisper

Spoken to our soul - perfection.

He alone knows us, our path

Our heart, Our need, Our focus,

He is Lord, personally

And timing is everything.

The healing of the inner soul,

May manifest and be necessary

Before the Physical and some may

View, even Judge, but not know.

Because He alone knows everything.

So rest little Child of God, Listen

To His Words, His direction, His Love

For we all, serve an audience of ONE.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Stab, Pierce, Bleed, Heal - Words that Hurt

Words can stab

Words can pierce

Make us bleed

Not ready to receive

Not spoken by the King

Out of timing-- they seem mean.

photo credit: written in blood by star95 deviantart

Drip, drip, stab--pierce--bleed

Therefore, when words hurt,

We must forgive the one

Who has spoken and

Filter as received, covered

In grace by His blood.

Drip, drip, stab--pierce--bleed

Well-meaners, do-gooders,

Advice, without knowing

That embraced acceptance

Is always needed first.

Love proceeds instruction.

Drip, drip, stab--pierce--bleed
Too soon, unready to receive.
Dig deep to forgive,
Photo Credit: Elyra Coacalia Deviantart
Cover in grace,
Filter in love,
Please the King,
An audience of One,
Surrender alone to His lead.
He will never cause you to bleed,
But lead you to heal - In His timing.

Drip, drip, stab--pierce--bleed
You didn't know my need.
You didn't live
Through my life.
Oblivious -
Out of sight--
Two paths converge on one--
Intersect -yet left undone--
Moving different directions--
Not following the same King.

Drip, drip, stab--pierce--bleed
Where does pain lead?
She did not mean,
Yet, she did.
So easily
Forgiveness, washed away.
Bathed--healed by His blood,
Filled up, overflowing Love.
Cheek turning, who will slap next?