Thursday, April 29, 2010

Good Day

I haven't posted a vlog in a while because I wanted to show what a Shattered Glass Life of someone who was healing from childhood abuse and trauma authentically looked and felt like. However, I really think this give balance to this site for readers/followers to know that even if you are not bi-polar (manic depressive) you can have sways of really good days when you feel like nothing is wrong. This is so stark in comparison to the days when you can't shake the despair, dread, hopelessness. It is not something you can just wish to stop or pray for God to lift and it mysterious goes away.

Now I will state that God is unlimited and can make the "episode" go away. At the same time we must balance the fact that He is not a genie in the sky granting our every wish. He sees at a further distance and a deeper depth what would be good for us, what will be useful to transform us into the image of Christ. So we must learn to praise Him is the storm just as we naturally are inclined to praise Him in the rainbows.

That said, I hope you glean something meaningful for your journey in this vlog, and written blog portion.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Edward Scissor Hand turns Evil

I feel like a screaming yell cutting people up freak - the only person who came to mind was Edward Scissorhand, not that I am at all like him in his artistic delight or compassion for I am a vile, cursing, bitter, yelling wild women that happens to have quickly moving scissors poking out of every part of my body and mind.

I just finished doing a video to upload but once again as everything else that is going on in my life today it FAILED!

Thanks YouCam...where can I get a program that will work?

After calling my husband and telling him the sky and every else if falling down...oh, boy the way, I hope you can have a nice lunch....

I am so frustrated and tired. No matter what I do it doesn't work and in most if not all I am seen by  my lovely teens as the problem to all things....

Where do I start, where do I end? Does it really matter...the details are meaningless, and so  are the yelling words because they never change behavior ..... there is a gloom covering me that wants to run for the hills, let any willing "good parent" adopt my children and so they can 'live happily ever after' in all the cool kids homes.

Yeah, I have heard it before they are teens, that is the way their brain works (or more correctly doesn't work) the dial is permanent stuck of me-mood until the love of their life enters the seen and get to see maybe a little of other care mode. But boys need to be warned, smart girls look at the way you treat you mom...if you treat her like shit or two year old crappy news....pretty good sign of what they will end up doing shortly after the buzz of the honeymoon comes to the end.

I am tired of putting my body through all this chemical medication and its side effects to still be treated that I don't matter. So what is really the use...I have been on medication for 10 years to try to be the best mother I can possibly be but it is never going to be enough...I an always going to be the oddball cancerous growth this is unwelcome on a personal level.

I am going to go...thanks for listening....

Sunday, April 4, 2010

A Sharp Edge

I broke apart yesterday and cut the people I love with the sharp edge of my words and attitude. No halo floating over my head. I knew things were heading for a rough day and my dear husband bounced out of bed and started listing all the things he wanted to tackle. Things we needed to take care of together.

It is not like I can expect him to have a PhD in psychology. How would he know that he was throwing me over the edge if I didn't even know?
Yesterday was the beginning of the month, and the end of my vignette (name for rented booth space) at the little antique store off our downtown square. Another failed adventure. Something I felt God wanted Me to do for I some holy reason that I never quite figured out.

My husband thinks it was all a plot to become a hoarder and spend money on crap I didn't. need and nobody else wanted or needed. When I get an idea in my head, I think about all the creative things I could do. I had some really great ideas...the only problem is it is a BIG step from concept or picture in a magazine to finished product and reality in life.

So my garage is filled with about a dozen quarter finished or never started projects all intended to make their way to the market of my little vintage/antique booth. I pulled over 100 tacks out of the old leather office chair and bought two books on upholstery, even order new material and purchased a heavy duty stapler. The chair is still naked furniture...just a frame and a bunch of cotton padding and a bottom that sags because I pulled the spring support out.