Monday, March 28, 2011

Voices - Do you hear them?


Do you have them? Do you hear them? Is it like a web messed up, growing in your head?

Is it your our mind? your conscience? your emotions? your spirit? your will?

Or someone... something ... else

How do you know? How can it be? What separates imagined from what is real... or reality from what is imagined ... if it is only you who hears it?

Did you ever think about that before? No one hears what goes on inside your head? It is a private world....

It can be a place of chaos, torment or delight and adventure.

Does everyone have the ability to hear? or is it those - only - who are aware?

Awareness... God, are you near, is it you that I sometimes hear? Of course it is. I know your voice. I know Jesus and the Holy Spirit... each speak to me in such a distinct way varying shades of the same hue... one light bend into a rainbow of colors... one moon seen from all over the globe?

Do you hear? Did you know? Do you want to hear? Do you want to know?

I do.

So I listen, and I am blessed...

Am I A Freak?

Do you ever wonder if you are a freak? I said, "wonder" not "worry."

Why would I worry if I was a freak? Worrying can not do anything about it.... but wonder... that is another thing all together.

What is a freak anyway? Odd, not natural, not normal, strange, more than strange, unstable, unsocial, weird.... different!

Yep.... freak.... like a creep.

I wish I was "good" that is not in value or worth but in reliable, always ready, able and there.

I wonder if it will come back and slam it in my face for being so vulnerable.... for showing the side of myself that so many people try to hide or pretend that it doesn't exist.....

or, is it really just me? Are other people normal all the time? Do they crack? Do they break down? Do they mess up, blow it, tumble?

Some people are solid, dependable, strong, tough, made of steel.... at least it is what we see... do they ever cry themselves to sleep at night? or bang their head on a wall? Do they look at old pictures with sorry or regret? Or is everything A-OK, peachy-keen, picture-perfect?

Do most people freak... but just freak in private?

I do not know, but you know what.... I think we all do to varying degrees. We all have our frailties, our breakpoints, soft spots, triggers, boiling points, weaknesses... it is part of being human, being less than perfect, being a sinner....

But what bothers me is when others place borders of shame around people, making them untouchable.... undesirable... un-needed.... unloved.

We all have the ability to soar, even if for a moment oat a time... but if people clip our wings as soon as we crash a few "too many times" can we ever break out of that limited prison of existence?


No one can ever clip your wings inside or permanently mark your soul... in the inner place, on the plane of existence that is truer than physical life... we can always be all God created us to be. No one has permission or power to touch us in the inner place.  Sure, we can get hurt, be wounded, but no damage from without is ever permanent to our soul and spirit within.

Am I a freak? Maybe to others, but to God and me, I am beautiful, lively, creative - just what I need to be today. And you know what, that is enough... not too little or too much but perfectly at peace and contentment.

Maybe that makes me a freak? So few people have ever known or experienced perfect peace and contentment radiating from within out.

I take a deep breath and smile within and without.... for an audience of One!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Flawed but Loved - Dealing with Hurt

It can be hard when you mess up like I do... I have glaring faults that unfortunately appear visible to others... when I become tripped up.

Rejection Hurts - We are all Flawed, But all still Lovable.
I have been through a very hard situation. What is new?

Relationships are hard when you are not .....

I am ashamed, embarrassed and painfully hurting.

A situation started after the first weeks and gone under the rug, until I spoke up last Monday... drawn into frankly, frustrated anger. I am not saying I am not to be responsible or to blame. I have dealt with God and a written apology for my part to those involved, but we received a certified letter today saying that I may not go in the building but only drop off my children in the parking lot because of my "disquieting incidents".

I really feel I have let my children down... here I am again, being cut off from them because I am an "undesirable, raw-around-the-edges, not traditional churchy-lady refined, imperfect sinner."

What hurts so bad is I know I was wrong, I apologized for my part, but no one else took any responsibility... and I am left formally restrained from entering the building.

I am crushed. I have so often felt like I was not good enough, like I was a failure, wishing my children had another parent instead of me, because I knew I wasn't normal, but it cuts so deeply to be treated like this by Christians, and fellow homeschool leadership.

The board of 4 made the decision, and I did not even get to address the whole board.

I know God loves me as I am, and I am always welcome in His court, in His presence... help this be exalted in my mind and emotions.

A NOTE from a prayer warrior friend: The concern I have now for you is that you are so deeply affected by how they are treating you that it feels as if they are controlling you (especially emotionally). I am praying that the tie that binds you to their control will be broken by the authority of Jesus and by the power of the Holy Spirit and instead the love Christ is all that will control you in any way, according to 2Cor 5:14 (ESV). May you receive a fresh revelation how Christ does not count our trespasses against us (vs19).

Doesn't it sound great to only be controlled by the love of Christ?? 

WOW! That really helps, me...

I didn't see it as another having the ability to emotionally control me.

I needed to hear the words about how they are not only controlling my physical actions, but my emotional. This gives me something to work on with God. I so want to be changed, it is so hard to see so much in yourself that you don't want to be there, but I must be patient because its is God's perfect plan and timing that is prioritizing what He is conforming to Christlikeness.

It is nice to have -at the same time, while in deep construction - sisters who love you regardless to your sin/flaws/failures knowing in a deeper way that we all have our stuff, just some people's stuff is more visible than others. I just keep pressing myself into the presence of God were I am loved and accepted now, and unconditionally. Other people can't offer that because they don't see what God sees, knowing I am in process, I am changing, I have progressed, I have changed. He knows my past, present and future, and therefore is not alarmed by my present.

This is the true love of brethren, to learn to trust God working in each of us, and to extend grace, knowing we are God's. When a person is in Christ, actively being discipled by Him, we need to encourage, rejoice, and see each through grace and hope... not seeing the flaws/sin of who we are, but knowing who we are in Him.

Have you been controlled? Have you been cut off?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Spinning Here and There

My head is spinning.

I feel like a ball, bouncing around, bumping into wall of my thoughts, closing in on me.

I do not feel I am who I really am.

I feel closed up inside. Maybe another is stepping forward. Maybe more than another.

Sometimes my mind seems to blow a circuit. Emotional Malfunction.
I pause and suck in my upper lip... not sure why... maybe it is to still my thoughts, to order the flow going from my rattled brain into the electro-impulses in my finger tips.

I am scared.

I am seeing patterns, signs, behaviors... that frighten me.

Something is spilling over into my core, taking over. Is it all in my mind?

Can a person separate their soul into compartments maintaining control over each....

A soul/heart of a person is the mind, will and emotions....

Can I emote apart from my mind and will?

Can I will without my mind and emotions?

Can I think separately from my will and emotions?

Do they work together as one?

And if a soul is splintered, what part goes with each? Are their multiple sets of three? Or are their multiple will, multiple minds, multiple emotions?

And the spirit of a person... it is not the soul... it is the spirit... the breath of life... is it permanently attached to the soul? or splintered souls?

It is obvious that the body is separate.... it is a temporary abode for a soul and spirit.... but does the body function regardless of a soul/spirit.... is it possible? A body can function with a dead spirit. When we sin the spirit dies, we are born dead spiritual into sin... but what about the body... is the brain, the computer of the body... is the mind able to function apart from it.... is the brain able to function apart from have a soul attached?

Of course, these questions are not easy or able to possibly even know the answer .... because we are not all knowing about ourself, others, God and life itself.

God, teach me what I need to know... help me gain order, stability, ability to be Spirit-led, not soul led. This is truly what surrender must be... stilling the soul to walk by the spirit. I want to practice it, even if for a few moments at a time... if it is truly possible in my human state.

Are you too confused? or did I confuse you?

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Defeat Her - I Will Show You How

I will show you how. Follow me.

You will not have to do anything she says. Just make her think she is crazy. Join together. If she says the sky is blue, look at her like you have never heard such a thing. Glance back and forth between each other, don't answer. This will upset her, put her on edge make her doubt her capability.

She is so weak and unstable.

She caves so quickly. Just a little standing up against her, just a little resistance and you will be on your merry way of doing whatever you like. She will go away... she will get upset, maybe even switch altars... then she will not be speaking rational. She will ramble on... a stream of consciousness of defeat... the voice inside her head will take over. It is so easy to tip her.

Resist. Don't go along. Don't show any emotion. That gets her going worse than if you outspokenly said, "No, I will not." If you did that she would know she was right to correct you, be subtle. Act like you would like to understand but you don't. You are not really sure what she is getting at. You are confused.

Mumble. Oh, that is a great way to make her unstable. It will drive her crazy. She is trying so hard, too hard. She wants to be loved. She wants to be respected. She wants to be a good mother. You can use all of these things as part of your defense against having to work around the house, do school work, pick up a finger.

Sure show her every week or so that you will help out... empty a dishwasher once a month, or make your bed. Get up early one day, and show how responsible you can be. It will blur with her desire to have you please her, to have you pretend you listen, to have her imagine that she is getting through to you and things are going better.

Never respond in anger. Don't look defiant. Put an innocent look on, make her think you are lost at what she is so upset about. That it is her. She is the one that has a problem. It is always her problem.

"The room isn't clean? It is really pretty normal. I don't notice what you are talking about."

Her voice will raise. "WHAT do you mean? Can't you see? Everywhere you look is stuff that is out of place."

"Hmm... its not that bad. It looks like it always does." (make her feel she is exaggerating, like she slipped off her rocker, like it is only dirty from her perspective)

This is about the time she will switch alters or beginning a loony rant. Begin picking up, do one or two things, act as though you are trying to comply. Speak very little. NEVER say you are sorry. NEVER make her think that it is not her fault. Most of all stay solidified against her. No one can splinter off to be sorry, understanding or guilty. She must think she is going crazy. The longer she rants the better, especially if she walks away and locks herself into her room.

At this point you are sure to have victory... you will get sympathy from your dad. He will know she went loony, that she was irrational, that she exaggerated. He will feel sorry for you. He will step up and  work more to make up for the slack. He was clean and clean.... and he will not bother you. He will feel you have been through enough.

Isolate her. Don't talk to her. Even if you did she would probably snap back at you... scream something out she will later regret.

Just let her curl up in a ball and go away... let her turn her anger and frustration inward. She will do the rest. You are free to watch TV, enjoy gaming on the computer or anything else you may want to do... She probably wont even come out of her room until the next morning. She is too embarrassed... She knows...

And since she wants a happy home, she wont bring "it" up for a long time. "It" was too painful. "It" beat her up, and made her know once again that she is not well... she tries so hard to be well... she doesn't want to have these kind of episodes. She wants to respond like a normal, confident, responsible adult. It will so hard for her to face herself... for her to know she failed again. This is in your favor... she doesn't have the energy to pull herself together, and come out of her room and kindly ask for your help picking/cleaning the house.

Life is back to normal. Take a deep breath ... it is all over. She will ignore everything. You will have no more confrontation.

Do you see how easy it can be? I know you do... because you have done this over and over and over. You are very experienced. We may have to change up our tactics every so slightly, especially as she gets better ... becomes more stable regularly. But don't fear, you are still in complete control... she will never be a competent parent... she will never be able to make you do anything you don't want to do.

She is so weak. Isn't it pathetic? Frankly it is very embarrassing. She has no self control. She acts so immature. It is OK, you are doing the "best" you can in a pretty bad homelife situation..., aren't you? Of course you are. Hang in there. You can make it. I will help you every step of the way.