Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Time Is Slipping Away

Do you ever feel that way? Time..... it slips away... wasted, spoiled, not enough or even too much... but still it never stands still, moving, slipping.... if it is not used.

on the edge of time.... push me in or drag me along
It is not like other things we have...

I guess some things spoil if I don't use them fast enough, like bread that gets all moldy if I forget to use it all up or cream that gets spoiled with clumps of curds....

Does time spoil, mold or clump up with stinky curds? Sometimes it feels like it does.

But then other things in life like tissues in a box.... they don't discinerate into vapors into the air, but I don't grab them out quick enough. No they wait on me, they wait until if have a tear, or a sneeze, or some other need. This type of things don't make me so edgy and nervous... as time.

I have wasted so many days, so much time, and no one can go backwards in time.... the Bible says God can redeem the years that the locus have stolen. What about the days, laxi-daisy, laziness, immobile-ness, sleepiness, careless, wantless, motivationless hours I let slip away..... Am I accountable for time lost?

How did you spend you days? You know they were numbered? You were only alotted so many. Did you use them wisely? Did you get the most out of every minute? Did you live your uptmost for God's highest? Is it even possible????

Then I think of people who have ripped me, for dwaddling, coasting, meddling, expending leisure time to attend to mental health.... many people feel they are not alotted such whimsical time in life... they must WORK for a living.... what is a living anyway..... a house, a car, electricity, food .... is that really life? Is it worth all the time we invest into getting it?

In the end, who is really wasting their time? Someone who dwaddles in thought, pondering meaning, purpose, the whys.... or one who is diligent, getting the most accomplished, achieving the most tasks done.

I am not sure.... is there a right or wrong answer? Does anyone really care?

I have been up for 3 hours... have I used my time wisely? Who gets to judge? Will God make me account for every second of the day or just large sums of time like hours, days or weeks.... even years? What did you do in year 2001... did you make good use of that time.???? I can't imagine God talking with me like that... that sounds more like the enemy bringing condemnation.... Satan shut up and leave me alone. Isn't there another gnat you can pester for your thrill? I know there are a lot of bigger spiritual fish in the sea of life.... go stir their waters or bobble thoughts in their head.... I think you work overtime on me.... find a new corpse.... mine is still beating with a heart for Him... however feeble it may be....

God uses the weak, well I am one fine candidate for that job! Wanted: one human that is a loser according to the world and even themselves at time is just fine, someone always fumbling around in the story of life, making mistakes, saying wrong things, doing stuff "good" people would know better than to do, one with raw emotions that can get unstable and easily pushed over the edge, a person who wants to be something, anything, useful but often finds out they are less than they had hoped, and more trouble then most will endure. If you occasionally or even often feel like worthless trash, apply for this job! I want you. I have some work for you to do, and I will work on all your bad stuff while you do little things for me. It is a win/win deal for you.

I guess this is why I am a child of God. He finds value in the empty, weak, and broken of the world. He doesn't hold time over my head, chastising me for wasting it, but always trying to help me move forward once again to redeem it. I can't do it this time... it is not in me, Good thing I am His!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

It Hurts So Much

Every time I try to be a mother... I try to guide, direct, lead... I am treated terrible.

I don't know why you God made me a mother. I am not at all cut out for this. I have tried. I have failed. Nothing I do is right. I am ignored, disrespected, despised.

Why am I here? I am certain someone else could have been a much better mother for my children. This is not a pity party statement - it is a statement of truth! A rare fool could have done a worse job then me .... and they probably would have been appreciated.

I don't handle rejection well. Does anybody?

It appears that other children listen and respect their parents. Is this true? Are is a just a charade everyone is playing?

Is the Emperor Really Wearing no clothes in every home, and families just pretend they are real.... or Do real functioning families exists?

I do not want to talk about it anymore. I am sick... I was going to say I was sick of it, but in reality I am probably really just sick..... I am one flew over the coo-coo nest.... I can't even spell that right. That's me! One big I can't do anything right.

And deep inside I know God loves me. He really does, and the funny thing is I love who I am - who I am with Him, Who He created me to be, and who I have become.

But so few, if any people see me, know me, hear me.... care. My family - what family? That's a joke. What is a family anyway? Really - is it just a bunch of people forced to live in a house together like given a prison sentence for life or at least 18 years. Pretty stiff penalty for the crime of wanting to love some one, wanting to take care of someone, wanting to hold, nurture, maybe even know another person created by God.

Some people make it seem so natural, so normal, so easy.... like walking or buttering a piece of toast. For me it is like mountain climbing on a glacier while it is thunder-storming and golf size hail is pelleting me and I didn't dress for the cold weather.... no I am unprepared, I am wearing a t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops... my hair is wildly flying about drenched, but stiffening in the bitter cold, and my hands are torn up, bleeding. As I cry my eyelids crust with frost, I can barely see.

But I hear the voices, people are laughing, jeering, making fun, telling me how wrong I am, telling me how much I am exaggerating my circumstances, how off base I am, how off track I am, how I messed up again.

What was I thinking? Did I really think it would be different? How many times does one need to fall off the cliff, come crashing down, break up in pieces only to stupidly stand up and after a short time of healing go at it again.... hoping for a fresh start, hoping for a change of heart, hoping beyond hope that life could be as it is suppose to be...

That people really could love and respect one another. That people really could have compassion and understanding. That people really could want to do their very best and to please another.... to be unselfish, to care, to see the light and desire what is good, what is helpful, what is healing, what is loving, what is pure.

Oh, God, if it is me, that I am just terminally broken - end the cruel merry-go-round ride call life. I have grown a lot, loved all I could, tried all I could.... I swung, gave it my best shot... I stepped up to the plate, but never once did the ball make contact with the bat. I am tired of swatting the air of nothingness. As long as I live, I will keep (like an idiot for You) going back up to the plate to swing again with all my might for You. Give it one more try.... maybe just maybe .... maybe beyond hope....

maybe life is beyond my capacity to swing.... maybe I was never really a player in the game of life to begin with.... maybe I didn't notice I was on the make-believe team, the actors, going through the motions, the retard that everyone puts up with --- well, because bless your heart --- she thinks she is "really" in the game... she doesn't know it is all pretend, she doesn't know they just let her pretend to "mother" ---- because bless her heart, she is doing the best she can considering....

But wait, I can see, I can hear, I can learn.... I know.... at least I thought i could.... i thought i did....

it doesn't really matter any doesn't really matter any more........