Friday, September 21, 2012

Hurt and Angered - I take Psychiatric Medication

I am hurt.

I am angered.

I take Psychiatric Medication.

I don't take it because I WANT to take it.

I take it because it is the one thing in the world that I have found to stabilize my body and mental functions.

People whose body functions normally can shrug off or reject this medication as simply 'all in the mind' and not really necessary. (Sure you can because it doesn't effect you personally. You know not what you speak about.)

But people like me - who have tried everything - who have suffered greatly - more deeply than most will  ever be able to understand or even empathize with.

People who function completely by their mental and physical strength - often known as willpower-  look at others who can't as weak or less of a persons.

But NO, it is quite the opposite!

Someone who is willing to face their own weaknesses and able to go completely against the stigma and strong current of accepted social and religious philosophy,
and to squarely make a choice to take medication because it is what helps them - it makes them function better so that they can love and be part of others lives,
instead of being a dysfunctional person, an erratic emotionally individual,
that is  prone to hurt themselves and others -

THIS TAKES GREAT INNER FORTITUDE and faith IN GOD that He is still on the throne even if HE has not chosen to heal them of their bodily need.

I have begged God - prayed - believed and still continued on in my faith in Him - STILL He has not determined it is within His perfect will for my life here on earth to be healed of this condition effecting my brain pathways, chemicals, and bodily/mental responses... He in His love and wisdom has chosen to allow me and others like me to have to walk through illness - And thus -like Habakuk - I see it all and live it all and STILL I choose to say, "

Though my body may not be healed, though I may suffer from pain, panic and bizarre  emotional, mental and psychological effects, 
Though I might say and do things in public and private that I am deeply grieved about and regret,
Though I might not be stable to others and therefore shunned or rejected because I am deemed troubled, psychotic, unstable, 'not right',
Though I must take psychiatric medication to find a level of normality that I can be of use to God and to love my family and those who choose to be my friend, 
Though I don't ever get to be part of normal groups - like church, clubs and community organizations - because I respond differently and appear childish, sinful or a problem, 
"Yet, I will EXULT the LORD,I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.The Lord God is my strength,and He has made my feet like hinds' feet,And makes me walk on high places." ( Habakkuk 3: 18-19)

And this day,
I proclaim to myself and my God,

that I accept my situation, my life and my condition;
and I will serve Him in every way to the best of my ability regardless of taking medication or my body/mind limitations.
Also I will not allow critical voices and naysayers to put me down, to make me think less of myself than God thinks of me,
Nor will I let them clip my wings--to keep me from soaring instead of being the breathe beneath my wings!
I will still love those who hurt me but I will not give them the ability to direct my life.
I choose this day to live surrendered to God alone and to do what HE asks me to do regardless of my weaknesses and imperfections.
And His approval is all I need.


Saturday, September 1, 2012

I am so Angry - I am Heartbroken

It has been a long time since I have written a post in Shattered Glass Life.

This is like my personal cave - where I let out my secrets of secrets - the raw rumblings that are ugly sometimes, hateful, and other things that socially trained people know they must hide from the world and often even from themselves.


I am in pain.

I am hurting so deeply, feeling like I have been stabbed in the emotional heart by the sharpest of points. He aimed rightly and pierced me in the most delicate place of my feeling heart.

I now know why I don't allow anyone to get in - to release myself to fully embrace another living soul with undying love. When the one you love is careless with the delicate gift you have entrusted them with, when they speak words or even worse speak nothing at all - void of emotion - Oh, I have a hurting heart.

Not like the broken and shattered one of my childhood, the emptiness of never having been loved, the brokeness of being beat so many times it no longer hurt or being scared to death that you or another family member might be murdered. That is not so much a broken heart- love was never there... a heart that felt nothing but pain, fear and anger - can not be broken the same way.

This is so different 

To have a heart once filled and overflowing with love pouring out from the deepest part of our soul - to have given another everything possible within that you, literally, are able to give - to hold back nothing...

When this heart is pierced and tossed away, simply like you don't matter. And all you have lived, all you have given, does not add up to one ounce of kindness in return. Oh, the agony of unrequited love - and that of not a lover, but a child. It aches my soul - it quakes me. I crumble to implosion of all that I had thought we held and cherished - to know that my love was so easy twisted and treated with disregard is a pain I think I have never felt, because I have never loved as I have this one.
I feel reduced in size.

I have lost a part of me - of who I thought I was - of my self-worth - of my delight - of my joy.

How is it that the meanest people can be given so much, forgiven so much, tolerated and even loved, but the very one that is afraid but dares to try, that never once intended any harm, that has always taken responsibility for her sins and quickly confessed any known error or unintended hurts, can be treated with distant lukewarmness, as though I do not feel - like I am not a real person who deserves not to be so hurt.

How can someone toss away the love of a mother - when so many others hunger to know and feel the hug of a mother's arms just once in a lifetime?

I am sure this season will pass as all others do - but in this world of disconnect - the internet age of texting, tumblr, pintrest, Facebook, and so much other digital imitation style relationships - maybe this is a result of immersion in the cold tapping of the keys, the ability to just not reply or to walk away when you don't want to hear or say anything more - maybe this is how people are learning to treat one another.

We can instantly be unfriended or deleted - is this what relationships have come to? To treat the one who loves and holds you as though they are not human but a screen that you no longer want to look into - oh, what are we doing to relationships.

I looked into her eyes and saw nothing in return. Flat, one dimensional eyes, like glass that had dulled. Emotionless, unwired to the soul, life and joy had dripped away one day, some time ago, and I had not noticed the stream of tears. I spoke my heart into her eyes and the letters of my words dropped one by one simply falling down - unheard. It was like they hit a wall that I had not seen go up - how did I not know - how did I not feel this coming.

God, may we learn 

to treat others with the love that we so desire for ourselves. May we value the relationships we do have and never walk callously away in total disregard to all we have shared between each other.

And then I can not help but feel the fool! Maybe I did not really connect and the one I so thought I loved did not feel so loved.

Maybe I never connect - Why do people stare? What do they know that I don't know?

Maybe my sin, my weaknesses, my lack of skill and 'trauma mess' leftover from the abuse tainted all my love. Maybe it was not to her so pure - to her it was tormented, twisted, sick and simply tolerated for what pathetically it really was - a psudeo-love. I do not think I will ever know real human love or truly be able to give it unconditionally to another. I have tricked myself to thinking I was something and had something - I really did not.

How worthless I feel! How worthless all the days of my life have been!

And once again I struggle to believe I have any purpose or reason to live and don't understand why God will not bring me home to Him. How long must I be tortured here in this life? Is not 50 years long enough of a sentence? Is there not justice in the Kingdom of Heaven? Father, I am so distraught. I don't understand why you allowed me to be born and then to live - it makes no sense to me at all - I truly long to die. Our time on earth is horrifically painful and filled with agony, injustice and grief.

But I know I am your servant, your handmaiden, so I bow my heart and spirit before you with a tear-stained face, and ask, Father what would you have me do for you and your glory, for it is the only reason I breath, for any other reason is worthless indeed. Forgive me for being so selfish, and for expecting so much from others and help me to rely wholly on YOU! For it is with You alone I am protected from all pain - hold me closely, never let me go!

Heal the sadness in my veins and turn the pain into forgiveness and the forgiveness into grace to enable me to respond in unconditional love regardless. For the kingdom and power and glory is Yours forever and ever AMEN!

Change me. And start deep within.