Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

I hurts so much. When I try, when I reach out, when I am needing help, when I try to talk, when I ask, Why Do You Push Me, and laugh? It is not funny to me. It hurts. I know I am not always stable, not always right in the head. It is not by choice. You say I don't handle stress, but you don't do anything to alleviate my stress. You act like you have the answers, like you understand what is happening, like you have adjusted, like you are normal, like you care. You even say at times, "I love you." And that is nice to hear, because I believe. But when I call you, when I talk to you, when I am seeking help or need a change or to get on track or to move one step away from the edge or to make progress or to make life better... You PUSH me.. . you rattle on with jokes and laughter, it's a game, you twist my words and laugh. You make up riddles, jokes and play on words. You wont get serious; you don't take me seriously. Around, and around, and around ...

Another one.... another lost day.... they add up so much... so many lost days. Running on the inside, hurting on the outside. Words, oh so many words.... healing, clinging, cutting through, knowing, telling me what to do. And do I do it, or must I wait? And who can do it, or must I stay? Running on the outside, hurting on the inside. No one will see.... how they hurt me... No one will know.... pass by so slow. And does it really matter? Can it make sense? Is it so important? Looking through a lens..... Running for a living, hurting cause I'm dying. no hope, no flight, no chance, no life..... crystal spinning..... little eye lids close.... Is there any hope? Will it really help? Who will reach her know? No one seems to know? And does it really matter? Does anybody care? A blimp in the universe, with who will she share..... Can you hear it, getting louder, bellow screaming, shouting sounder? I can't hear a word. I can't see a sound. How can it be? I d...

I am so sleepy. I am so sad - sorrow runs like a rapid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way. Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP. So close, yet so far away. You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have... We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic! You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze. If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left alone. BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality" "they desperatel...

SWAT! ow, ow, ouch - that hurts.... words slap into me I cheer, I smile, I express my emotions. SWAT! why? slapped again... stares, eyes roll, silent words of "she's weird"...."cuckoo"....it hurts deep inside. I gleefully make a comment, fully engaged, enjoying the moment in life. SWAT! SWAT! their eyes slash through me....hurtful, hideous eyes What is wrong? Why can't I just be me? I might be different, can't help it, it is who I am. I am different. Why can't people be kind and accept me? The pain runs over....the gruntle-scream roars out of the deepest ravines of my being....and I cry, I cry, I cry for years of pain....and I cry, I cry, feeling quite insane...and I cry, I cry, accepting who I am, and I cry, I cry, remembering my grandmothers that were the same..... Did anyone hear them when they cried out in pain? When the electrodes were attached to their bodies and the jolt roared through their bones....did they cover up their screams....was an...

Feeling smaller, drawing in, do not touch me, wishing I was gone away. Why do we have to keep living? Causing hurt, slashing others, it wont stop if I still breathe. Wanting joy, but feeling sorry. Wanting love, but giving pain. Why must I keep on living? What good purpose could there be? I love, I hurt. I love, I harm. I love, I cry. Disappointed in my role. Being who I never wanted. Numbing, hurting, drawing tighter. Shrinking inward, hurt no others. Still I breath........ Disassociated. My arms hurt, heavy - stiff - solid. Where is beauty? Did she hide and go away? Birthed and stolen, lost or missing. Where is beauty? Was she dangerous or powerful? Could she grow or help? Who took her away? Moving closer to the edge, no one touch me. Let me rest. So angry. So mean. So fickle. Wrapped in prickly metal wire, keeping others at bay, keeping me trapped inside. Feeling worthless. I want to stop - I want to stop hurting those who try to love me. Is Duct tape the answer? What about a mummy ...

So, this is what life is suppose to be like. Is it good for you? Is it as disappointing as my life. How many times have you wished you would die? Too many to count. I have no real solid answers, no one to help, no one to listen to me that I need help, no medication that will control my outrages. No, I am permanently screwed. One day, I will be able to break free from this cage called life, living in torturous pregatory - now way to be released, no way to be normal, now way to not hurt, disappoint and destroy slash by slash my children and husband. Oh, God, how can this be just. What pleasure and glory could you receive from allowing me to live and birth forward three precious children only to watch me destroy them stab by stab, slash by slash, beating them down into worthless, insecure teens seek freedom and to be anything but like me. I release them, tell the to run, to never look back, to go forward discovering their future and hope accepting that it probably be best that it is apar...