Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Fragile, Yet Strong - Two Faces of a Child Abuse Survivor

Fragile, Yet Strong.

Or should it be, Strong, yet Fragile.

Both apply to days, moments and seasons of my life.

Surviving child abuse made me incredibly strong. I can survive almost anything. Pain is endured. Insurmountable odds are diminished, giving me a perpetual "I can do" attitude.

I am able to bear up others, can handle crisis, can support teams, can dig in and do the hard, heavy, dirty work. I need little to sustain me. I know how to survive with minimal assistance.

Independence, resilience, long-suffering.

And still,

Surviving child abuse has made me incredibly fragile. Unknown insignificant little things can pierce to my core and shatter me. I am left defenseless, exposed, incompetent.

I am able to relate to hurting people, understand without words completely spoken. I feel and know and reason in randomness. I come along side, pray, and encourage because I have been broken.

Delicate, sensitive, unpredictable.

Two sides of the same coin - two faces of a child abuse survivor.

No answers, solutions, conclusions.
No complete healing, though every day I move forward toward being a little better, toward wholeness.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Reverberating Recoil - Trauma Triggers of Adult Survivor of Child Abuse Poem

Reverberating Recoil

Contemplative by Rainripple on deviantART

Pacing rattles my nerves.
Steps upon the floor--
Back and forth,
Up and down.
In my soul,
I sense a
Reverberating pound.

Unnerving me,
I shake within.
Unseen, unknown to those around.

I do not want to control,
Forcing others to compensate,
To quietly tiptoe,
Afraid to make a sound.

Yet, within the string tightens.
Each step plucks a shrilling chord.
Inward, I recoil.

Oh, how trauma preconditions me.
The tremors cannot be ignored.
Tense, I clench my jaw,
Hoping, waiting, breath.
Once again I endure.

He walked out and shut the door.

Finally, I release.
I sense relief.
Anxious - no more.