Sunday, May 22, 2011

Drift Away- Dissociative Fog

My eyes close and I drift away. As if drawn by some power stronger than myself, and left drained off all my energy. My head easily flops back against the pillow resting on the headboard... not another day, another wasted day to sleep.

I want to wake, as I stagger out of bed. My feet find the floor, and I try to steady myself as I sway. I love living, people, being actively alert and alive, but my head slides down upon the other pillow. I toss from one to another, but want awake. Maybe I didn't get out of bed after all, maybe it was a strong desired dream.

Heavy eye lids, quiet words - none spoken. Lifting up my head again, I realize I drifted, slept, maybe lost a few hours, no minutes or many even seconds... it is so hard to assess.

Dissociative Fog can be numbing, debilitating, confusing...

I slide a little further down my bed until I am nestled underneath the fluffy comforter with my head on the over-sized sham pillow.... comfort, relaxation.... sleep.

Hours later I awaken to activity: the phone rings, people are moving about, voices, trying to make plans, questions, did she miss the party, where was she suppose to be, where is the number? I hear myself mumble, "I am so tired. I don't feel good."

Regret, sorrow, shame, frustration, sickness rises in my heart. I don't want to be this way. How does it happen? Here one minute, gone the next. In and out of consciousness, a stupor, drunk without a drink, drugged without a medication.... Does my body just need to rest? Is emotional healing so hard on a person's body that it must resort to checking out for a time to stabilize?

I am so sorry. Did I let him or her down again? Will I ever be normal? What is normal? Normal people don't sleep 48 hours. Normal people can function 24/7 on a regular basis except for a rare physical illness.

Do I say upset at myself? Disgusted? Dejected? What good does that do?

With grace and hope that God is in control and that this too is a temporary state that will be greatly out-shined by the joy and glory of eternal life with God in Heaven, I center myself. Sleepy but focused, weak but certain.

Life, days, I - will not always be like this. So I will persevere and even if it means I have to get carried along, through, until this sleepy forest ends. Stay on course, keep moving ahead, don't look back, but to be encouraged by how far you have accomplished .... with so much more to conquer ahead.

Do you have foggy, sleepy days?

Looking Out - Looking In (Thoughts of child abuse survivor)

Stillness quickens in my ears... deeper going, fear to hear. Do you see it? Can you care? Is she someone... see her reaching out her hand. Twisted, withering, brittle hand... If you touch her, she must just break.

Slap back! Shutter... What could she want? Frightened, fearing.... what's she done?

Can we trust her? Do we dare? See her covered by her hair? She is looking out, no one's looking in.... no one sees her, no one cares. No one reaches to her hand.

She is looking inside, nothings ever easy. She's coming undone. Loose thread, twirling, round and round.... Spider webbing, not a sound. Will we loose her, where did she go?

Too much trouble to find her now. I can't reach... I can't go there... I don't wanta... I am scared.

Smash. Crash. Splash. Cutting deeper into what remains. Who is with her? Why's she cry? Do not loose her, before she dies.... always bleeding, when will it stop... always peeling, when will it stop... always tearing, when will it stop.... always dying, when will it stop?

REACH HER! Catch her. Watch her fall, slowly out of her control... little bobbin might explode. Can we poke her? What's she do? Did she see ya? Is she a fool?

Just to be known, and understood. Notes play the music, draws her to life. Watch she is spinning, back again. She has been so hurt, by other's sin. She is looking out, always looking out, always looking for... knowing there is more. More to life, more to death, more to listen, more to know, more to healing, how far..... how far.... how far... must she go?

She is waiting for the deadly bite!

She is never out of reach. Never lost to YOU. You have always seen her, telling her what to do. You never looked away. He never blocked your sight. He is not so powerful compared to You in the light. Darkness loves the fear, blinded to the truth... darkness hold her here, help her walk to You.

Tip-toe, inch away, she can't risk it, she can not stay. Listen closely, hear her cry... why do so many just walk on by.... see her in the shadow, she is in the shadow, hiding in the shadow, blended to the .... blended in the... gone.

Childlike wonder, why does it come? Instinctively she knows, speak to her - she knows, scream to her - she knows.... she's listening and  looking for a crumb of hope, falling, fading, blown away... darkness covers her, up today. Please say nevermore, she needs nevermore, she wants nevermore. No more bleeding, no more dying, no more crying, no more lying. Watch her take a step of faith, she wants to trust, but she runs away.

Do you see? Can you see? Must you see? Wont you see? Try and see.

She is always looking out, looking for a way. Wont anyone tell her, she doesn't have to stay. Why are we so quiet? She doesn't think you care. Can anybody .... will anybody... will somebody... will one body? Is it you?

Trust me, she is looking out, she wants to trust you, but she is filled with doubt. Fear, stares, no, can't go.... close, away, crawl away, run away.

She is looking, hoping for more than words.... more than words..... more than word. She's just heard words, only words. Action speaks louder than words. Love moves deeper than words. Trust is built on more than words. Faith is more than words.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Living Visible - A Ministry For Healing

So many hurting are hiding, invisible to many.

OK, I wrote this yesterday and chickened out with tons of doubts and removed it. Now that I realize I was listening to a lot of comments being sent my way by the enemy... I am putting it back up. "Oh, me of little faith!"

If you are interested in helping organize a non-profit ministry for survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, child abuse and trauma, please contact me.

So often the world sets up organizations to be there for hurting, but they don't have the real answers. I am hoping to set up a ministry that really make a permanent difference in hurting survivors lives.

God is laying the vision of such a ministry on my heart, therefore, I am looking for a team of like-minded Christians to prayerfully lead.

God uses each of our abilities and gifts for His ministry. 

Check out the document for more information about Living Visible Ministries

 Lindy Abbott