Monday, August 29, 2011

Simple minded, No minded, Slow minded

Ever feel like your brain is made of soggy milk-laden cereal bowl of shredded wheat?

soggy brain
That is how my brain feels today. I have been sick... in bed for five days (an eternity for me) and my moods have swung up, down, up, down, low, creeping, scraping, crawling, screaming, meanness. My eyelids are tired, struggling to stay alert. From mush to dried out melba toast has been the consistency of my brain. I have read everything in sight from old book, to new book, to newspaper, and internet article... then TV and tv and more numbing, who-gives-a-care tv.... to only roll back and prop myself up for the next book I pulled from the pile on the floor.

No wonder I get crabby, crappy, get-away-free-me.... words, sentences, thoughts, people, doing, saying, going.

All are moving on the electric escalating path to nowhere.  All is vain. Life has no purpose. Isolated. Disconnected. Meaningless.

And how we try to pretend we are something... we have a meaning, a purpose. you know, we are suppose to be important.

But do you think those who have existed, toiled, tried on this spinning but never stopping world of earth really understood their reason. How could we? We are mere mortals. One piece of the all... one soul in the universe. Really, do we matter?

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Our Nakedness Exposed Self

Were you there?

Did you know?

Really... its all hearsay unless it comes directly from the one, and even then we have to hope they are not lying to others or even more the usual case, themselves. We all present an image of what we hope people see, of what we want people to know.

But in all our nakedness, the uglies are seen and known.... strip any of us down, to our bare bones, what is left... no skin, no hair, no surgery, or material accessories to pretend.... remove the body and what is left? what is there?

Wouldn't that be the best? To be able to sit around with others, to be able to really talk and get to know, to share from the soul, to know and be known. Soul to soul. Real to Real. Truth to Truth.

And it is there, in the naked, exposed, stripped-down-of-it-all moment that I find myself...
and odd as it may be,
I am finally comfortable with being seen, with being visible.

I am happy to be exposed for who I really am, it brings a peculiar smile of rest to my soul... because I am really happy with who I am ...
 I just can't seem to be seen in this jaded, rubberized, manufactured, tinsel town where money is the King.

No one stops to hear the simple minded.
 I have nothing to offer, to impress, to improve.
I am going no where here, so no need to follow.

And the truth is - at the end of it all - few want to know who they really are... to look into the mirror in the eyes of a soul who goes where no ones dares to.

 The fragile essence of  being real.

Is it not really like the plump chicken in the pot, boiling and boiling until the joints loosen and the meat slides off the bones, that we finely find the only opportunity in life to wish?

So naked to the bone I stand and reach out my hand.... now I understand.

No wonder I am treated like a freak show.

The horror of it all is when we step out of the role we know so well how to play, and dare to live uncasted.... we see who we really are....

Do you dare? Can you? Will you?

What it is like to not know the next step, totally out of control, living impromptu in the moment?

Finally, come what may, living visible!

 I dare to be, do you?

Friday, August 26, 2011

Ugly Raging Mom

 Stop! Dangerous.... don't read if you hurt.... don't read if you are raw.... don't read if 'cutting words' tear you apart. This is raw... this is ugly, mean, painful...... but a gut honest moment frozen in time.

Did you pick up your clothes? I told you to pick up the clothes? Why aren't they folded? Hang them up.
Can you watch the kids? Just 4 hours. It is the least you can do. Everyone has to do their part.
You forgot to feed the cat? Do you want him to die? I should have never gotten that cat? If he dies, its your fault.

I asked you to water the plants, they're bone dry. I paid good money for those plants, water them!
Why can't you do the things we ask? Why are you so slow? What is that look? You expect me to do something for you? Always about you? Push Push Push... to get your way, and then you sit on your butt.

Your room is a mess. How can you live like this? After all we do, you even have your own room.
Stop eating in the living room., put the plates in the dishwasher, is this your cup, crumbs on the sofa again.

Get those dirty muddy shoes off the tile? don't bring those in here... oh, they stink.
Wet clothes, I should have figured you would leave them here? Ever heard of a washer? Of course, not.
What time will you be home? Hello! I need to know. When is your work? Do you have a schedule?
Your part of this family, you know. How about doing your part? How about appreciated us?

Leave, you don't deserve to live here. Ingrate! I don't care where you sleep...
They heard you stream, they know how mean you are, you are simply a jerk, a lazy, selfish jerk.

God wouldn't tell you to do that?
Obey your parents is what HE says!
You aren't even my own kid, I didn't have to adopt you.
You blew it. You could have been an example. They looked up to you.

This house would be better without you. We can't wait to the day your gone.
You cause so much trouble... always talking back... always an excuse.

I Don't Fit

Have you ever felt like you don't fit?

Nobody likes me.

Why was I not included?

How long did it take you to figure out that you are different?

The calls never came. You didn't get invited. They went without you. You just happen upon a notice.... and you didn't even know .... you offered to help, but no one called you back.... you wanted to minister, but you are asked to give a testimony, but your offer was declined...

Not now. No time. We will call. I'll get in touch. Thanks, bye... (silence.... permanent silence)
What is wrong with me? I am a reject. People act all loving... they pretend to like me... they say I am nice, but really, I know I am not their friend. When they get together with friends ... to go do something fun... to share a special occasion... to visit, to enjoy, to talk, to hang, to know...... I am not invited.

Sound like a whiner.... who cares? But the problem is.... am I different.... no that is not it?  Is there something wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? Why do people not like me? Why do people avoid me?

Am I a problem? Am I mean?

Sometime .... I think people wonder.... about me...

Am I emotionally sound? Am I dangerous? Am I weird?

I say, I speak, I feel, I think, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

Am I self-absorbed? Do I have vision of grandeur? Am I all talk and no do?Am I am misunderstood or clearly understood?

Am I a freak? But don't we have to be true to ourselves?

I think I make people uncomfortable. Do you know why?

Could it be that I say what I think? I mean what I say? I am honest, better or worse. With me, you know where you stand, you know what I think.

Could it be that I hurt people? Am I mean?

Maybe I am not in reality...clueless, freaky, wrong, disturbing, too much work, undependable, awkward, unstable, a problem, a loser, a complainer, negative, downer, trouble, confused, blunt, socially inept....


I will never know what anyone thinks about me, and with that I have to be at peace. To be at peace with myself, I have to know what God thinks of me.

God loves me, He accepts me, He knows me... that is how I survive.. this is how I move on, grow. Continue to learn and allow God to help me be everything He created me to be.

I may be broken, messed up, the list goes on...


(and I take a deep breath!)

Monday, August 22, 2011

He Bleeds for Me

So deep and wide - it all runs like rain.
Still He comes, I can't get away. Do not run from Him.
Why, why wont He give up, just let me die... I am not sure, can't fathom why. 
Why does He come to me? One day I might .... one day I might... one day I might perceive.

He Calls me, "Beauty"!

And still it fell, down from His face, pierced the skin and it cut the vein....running from His veins, seeping, pouring...the power of His priceless perfect blood. He paid the price, the ransom for my life. 

Still He bleeds, bleeds, bleeds for me. Why would anyone bleed for me?

Do you see - that He bleeds?... He bleeds for me.... So intense, so real.

Trying to end what another began. 

It's not His fault, but still He pays. He bleeds for me.

He covers me with the blood from His veins. So He bleeds; He bleeds for me. I don't understand why He bleed for me? Why did He have to die for me? I am not worth it; it's plain to see: drained of hope, drained of life, scarred, scabbed, disfigured.

What does He see in me? Why does He care for me? Why would He bleed for Me?

He calls me, "Beauty." 

He says, "He loves me."

 He beckons me. He turns my thoughts inside out.

It's the life, it's the source, it's the cure...every drop... covers so much more.

Let His blood pour down on me! When will they ever believe? I let His blood pour down on me! Don't you see - that He bled?  He died for me....

It's the life, it's the power, it's the love........................ and its only in His blood.

The precious blood of Jesus.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Get Out!

What is happening?
Get OUT! I said, "Get out!"

Why did you abandon us? You don't care. After all we have done.
Why did you leave? Bet you think it will be nicer, easier, and you will get what you want.
You will pay. One day. You will be so sorry. Mark my words.... you always were a loser.
I know you wouldn't amount to much.

Get OUT! I can't take you anymore. I don't care where you go. LEAVE.

You let everyone down. You just cut and ran. Didn't even say, "Goodbye!"
You are selfish, always. Looking out for number ONE. Why don't you think of your siblings?
I need you to take care of them... I mean, they need you.... look up to you....
They will know now and forever that you didn't care. They will always remember.
You couldn't handle it so you left them.... you didn't even care what happen to them.

Who do you think you are? Shut the hell up. Leave my face? You were a mistake...
Why can't you speak up? Why don't you explain yourself?
It is lies, all lies. You are believing lies. Have it your way. You will be sorry, you will hurt, you will see.

They hate you. You hurt him. How do you think we feel? We don't care. It's not about you! Why didn't you obey... why didn't you wait.... why did you go.... you don't care. I always knew you never really cared.

Whose the crazy one now? I don't need help. You are the one with a problem. Everyone else is fine. It's you.