Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Rattled, Shaky - I am not Me

Not Sure Why or How I feel when my insides rattle...
My insides shake beneath my skin, especially in my arms. Something rattles out of balance, moving sporadically through me, like a washer spinning wildly because the load inside needs an adjustment.

With very choppy comments, I clip too close at people and their words.
Back off!

"Can't others see I am not normal right now? Don't they know I need space and an extra dose of grace?" I question.

Maybe it is truth - that people don't look out for the needs of others... they are looking too closely at what they want.

What about me? Do I?

I try. I didn't always know how... it is a skill. A lesson that must be learned: how to take your eyes off of your wants and needs to consider what is happening inside of another person.


Don't you see her shake? I do.

My friends leg moves so rapidly like a bobbin bouncing loosely as the thread swirls it up and down, round and round. I see - she is nervous. But I don't know why? I don't even know if she realizes movement or if it is a rhythmic pattern unconsciously enabling her to be rocked into a state of bearablity or ease.

I don't point out her rattling to my friend. I ignore it thinking if only we change the subject or do something it will subside. Let me distract her. Let's get busy.

Is this how others treat me? Are they made uncomfortable? Do they want to help so they distract me instead of gently letting me know they love me, and asking how they can meet my need at that precise moment?

Learning to look at others and how I respond provides insight into those around me. It is healthy to not always be so introspective.

Does she think or feel like me? Would it help her to know I understand what it feels like to rattle inside your skin? If I don't speak, she may never know......

What do you do? Do you distract, avoid, love or maybe you just never see?