Friday, June 5, 2015

Do you know why people wish they were dead? Understanding Suicidal Thinking

Intro: I write this from the mind-frame of someone who has suicidal thoughts. I do not have them today, but I write this to be informative and give insight so that if you have someone in your life you might be able to understand how they think or even if you yourself have suicidal thoughts you might be able to identify with some of them and know you are not alone.


Have you ever wished you were dead? I have. Some times these thoughts are far away and rarely cross my mind, but other times they cling by closely, hanging around like a sticky spider web that just won't shake off, junking up my thinking.

Photo Credit: Katey Smothers

Most of the time what proceeds suicidal feelings are thoughts and occurrences that make you think  that your life is little, your impact is little, that people do not move forward or upward by your existence but that you are a weight, a load, or a liability to the people you consider in your inner circle.

When you see no purpose for your life, when people don't talk to you or enjoy you, when you don't make or keep real friendships, and/or when you believe almost everyone in the world would just go on living if you did not, it is easy to start feeling like you and everyone else would be better off if you were no longer living.

Most people who wish they were dead, already feel dead. They go through the motions of life as though they were characters of mindless "walking dead" bodies feeding off of those who live. And these thoughts and feelings can be passing or simply come upon you like a fog that will not clear.

When a person thinks they are not noticed, asked, invited, included, thought of, recommended, chosen or wanted by others, it is easy to feel dead, because you already feel basically invisible.

Negative Attention

And if people prone to suicidal thoughts are noticed it is frequently not in a good way. It is because they are seen as aggravating, a nuisance, an embarrassment or oddball (to say the least). They know if they disappeared for weeks on end, no one would barely miss them. People on purpose do not make a point to include them in anything important, meaningful or necessary.

Do you know what rejection feels like? Do you know what it is like to be outgoing, energetic, talkative and to be avoided, shunned and not responded to. At least when someone is important, they get a rejection letter. Imagine what it feels like to be told over and over you will be contacted and you never receive that call. I have stopped counting the number of times that has happen to me.

Frankly, my life does not cross many others in a way that I am uniquely connected. Of course, I have many casual encounters, but they end in don't call me, I will call you. And if you do call or get in touch, likely you will never hear back.

Am I repeating myself? Of course, because this kind of life is a broken record; it is a continual pattern; it has been lived over and over for the past fifty years.

No One Knew, How Could They Know

And when I do the evil thing of daring to speak up and openly say what I am thinking; I am wrong and hurting people. I apologize and promise to be better, to act the more proper role, to be a better person. Because no one wants to know when you feel like this.... but they all love to say when a person is gone, "if I only knew," "oh, how selfish," "why didn't she/he tell anyone," "I didn't have a clue," or "how could he/she think that way?"

They beat themselves up. Agonize over what they might have done differently. But the truth of the matter is no one would have done anything differently because they DID NOT. That is the truth; that is what is so freaking upsetting about when someone you know is having suicidal thoughts. You really don't want to know; You don't need that kind of problem; You don't want to deal with such negativity; You don't want your life interrupted or bothered. It is really not your problem; it is his or hers.

Yes, a person with suicidal thoughts needs help. They need someone to listen who will help them get out of the negative downward spiral of thought.

What If You Believe In God?

And for someone who does not believe in God, life = continuing on and death = ending it all. But for the one who believes, life = continuing on and death = a brand new perfected life. So it is even harder for someone who believes in eternal life to cling on to earthly life and the misery that is so often associated with living as a human in the flesh. It is only knowing Biblical truth that keeps a believer in God from NOT killing themselves, but so many “believers” are never taught the BIBLE.

I am not going to kill myself; I am not strong enough to do that, and more importantly my faith in God is stronger than me.

I am not going to kill myself; I am not strong enough to do that, and more importantly my faith in God is stronger than my own will in me.

I know I must renew my mind and stop thinking negatively. Reading the Bible or Books with a lot of Bible included are very helpful for renewing your mind. In doing this I renew my thoughts to think as God thinks. God made me and He alone gets to pick how and when I will die. The choice is not mine if I am surrendered to HIS will.

I must be willing to serve, I must focus on Jesus and let HIM rise to top in my priorities. Pleasing Him must be everything to me.

John the Baptist says in John 3:30:
"He must increase, but I must decrease.

Can I become nothing to the world for Him? Am I willing to be unseen for His sake, so that He may be seen? Can I find fulfillment in this kind of living?

Jesus in the garden weeping blood before being sentenced to death and going to the cross says this to God, in Luke 22:42:

 "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done."

Can I endure earthly suffering for the sake of Jesus? He did for me. If He is really everything I need and if I have Him, why do I ever see myself as lacking or needing more? If He has chosen me, isn't that everything, essentially the only thing that is important? This are huge questions to not be taken lightly or flippantly. Of course, the churchy answer is YES, yes. But what are the real answers; the answer God already knows because He knows my spirit and soul.

HOWEVER, if a person does not know God, can't you see how he/she might not have the ability to renew his or her mind? They don't know how to begin; what to think; how to stop the destroying thoughts. And these thoughts come from the Destroyer, the enemy of our soul, the enemy of God. Satan wants to kill, steal and destroy people and all that is good. He wants to rid the world of anything that has to do with Jesus and the Bible. Ever wonder why school curriculum is godless?

But I do know God and His Word, and I am still growing and learning. Therefore, it no wonder when I sing praises to God, I am so exuberant. God saved me from physical death before it was my time and spiritual death.  I know every breath I take is because of Him, so every minute I live is for Him. My life has been bought, purchased, redeemed. I am not my own. I am a living walking testimony that God is real and this faith is not blind faith but faith that comes by life and death experience. I live today, because He LIVES!

Just like this blown glass, we are each uniquely beautiful to God!

Is God my crutch? No, He is my reality check. He gives my life balance and gets my mind back into healthy thinking.

If you need help or no someone who needs help reach out. There are so many places and people that really want to help even though it seems like they don’t. Let someone know you are seriously struggling. And if that person does not help speak up again, and again. Cry out to God. HE will HEAR you, but you MUST listen to Him and obey. He wants to set you free from suicidal thoughts. He wants you to know the truth -- that you are precious to HIM! That He loves you and accepts you as you are today.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Rude, Raw, Received - We Have a Personal Lord and Have Walked Our Own Path

Someone who loves me spoke words to me that hurt. She seemed rude. Her words felt like a slight, but the person said she meant it from a positive place through their experience and journey.

We are chiseled in life etch by etch until will shine with light

For her words matched her walk and experience and seemed a universal truth. But when one is a daughter of the King she must know first that God alone is the voice that must be obeyed and honored. Advice that seems good for all may not be in proper timing for each. I know that I myself make this error many times, more times than I will probably ever know. With God we have our own personal path, when surrendered we are letting him complete us in His own timing. It is easy to judge from the outward appearance but God sees the inward and deals on levels that are unseen usually to the observer.

Comments made cut to the core,
Often hit truth and carve us raw,
Exposing what we know-- but are not
Ready to receive, the timings wrong.

Words perceived as rude,
Are they spoken in love,
When a person does not know,
The experience of another.

Still we must learn to love
Just receive from her heart
Does that means-- it's good for us?
No hurt, no pain or meanness.

We must each be sensitive
To God, speaking in the Spirit
And with His filter and timing,
Not Him - We must live surrendered.

Each to HIS Lordship
In our own life and path.
In grace, reduce words spoken
In His sieve, receiving His Words.

Alone. Knowing His voice
Is really what matters,
His opinion and whisper
Spoken to our soul - perfection.

He alone knows us, our path
Our heart, Our need, Our focus,
He is Lord, personally
And timing is everything.

The healing of the inner soul,
May manifest and be necessary
Before the Physical and some may
View, even Judge, but not know.

Because He alone knows everything.
So rest little Child of God, Listen
To His Words, His direction, His Love
For we all, serve an audience of ONE.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Stab, Pierce, Bleed, Heal - Words that Hurt

Words can stab

Words can pierce

Make us bleed

Not ready to receive

Not spoken by the King

Out of timing-- they seem mean.

photo credit: written in blood by star95 deviantart

Drip, drip, stab--pierce--bleed

Therefore, when words hurt,

We must forgive the one

Who has spoken and

Filter as received, covered

In grace by His blood.

Drip, drip, stab--pierce--bleed

Well-meaners, do-gooders,

Advice, without knowing

That embraced acceptance

Is always needed first.

Love proceeds instruction.

Drip, drip, stab--pierce--bleed
Too soon, unready to receive.
Dig deep to forgive,
Photo Credit: Elyra Coacalia Deviantart
Cover in grace,
Filter in love,
Please the King,
An audience of One,
Surrender alone to His lead.
He will never cause you to bleed,
But lead you to heal - In His timing.

Drip, drip, stab--pierce--bleed
You didn't know my need.
You didn't live
Through my life.
Oblivious -
Out of sight--
Two paths converge on one--
Intersect -yet left undone--
Moving different directions--
Not following the same King.

Drip, drip, stab--pierce--bleed
Where does pain lead?
She did not mean,
Yet, she did.
So easily
Forgiveness, washed away.
Bathed--healed by His blood,
Filled up, overflowing Love.
Cheek turning, who will slap next?

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Don't Judge Me - You Do Not Know Me

Don't Judge Me,
You only see,

photo credit - zeldabeast "innocence" DeviantArt

God's eye view,
He sees as few,

I am seen,
Naked and clean,

I must do
Return to you

Forgive, filter

All is used
In grace, transfused.

Offering You
A living sacrifice
To my King.

Monday, May 4, 2015

I Am Coming Unglued - Survivor of Childhood Abuse and Trauma

I was experiencing a trauma trigger. Writing this poem centered me and calmed down my emotions. It is odd but it is what flowed. I do not apologize or analyze because it is real. Poetry coming from trauma is healing; don't look to critically; simple gaze upon like you would abstract art hanging upon a wall.


I sense I am coming unglued.

Drip, drip, snip, snip

Like a rag doll, stitches removed,

Pecked away by a raven or crow.

It's okay it doesn't know.

Carelessly, unaware,

It's a bird: it does not care.

Hear the water hit the pan,

Irritating is the sound,

Slowly dripping to the ground.

Tin, tapping, repeat, repeat.

A dripping faucet, I have a leak.

Sadness seeps out of my core.

Superglue-- it holds no more.

Glasses broken, my dress is tore.

How many times did she survive the war?

Battles her both day and night?

Still she hangs on in the fight.

Warrior, so others claim.

Don't get close or you'll get burned.

Hot explosion, she does not warn.

She does not know; she's just forlorn.

Is she me and Am I her?

Maiden fair or ugly bear?

No one listens; cannot hear.

She speaks a language that's not clear.

Only hurting others know

And they can't help, on the same show.

See the spectacle she makes of her life.

Quietly, walking by, out of sight.

Glare through windows, do not stare.

Might interrupt that you care.

Yes, she's crazy, God, she knows.

Still she's someone that God grows.

What's His reason, each breath He gives,

Doesn't He know it helps her live?

Mercy, mercy, I give up.

Suffering has filled my cup.

Sip it if you want to try.

Don't pretend, and live a lie.

Target practice starts at ten.

She's the target, watch her spin.

We'll have fun, it's just for sport.

Life is simple, without a heart.

Watch her bleed, tears in her eye

Better yet, let's hear her cry.

Too late, sorry, it's not enough.

We are late for other stuff.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

I Just Want to Die

This is a very raw article. My transparency makes some people very nervous, but I have learned that knowing I am accepted by God is all that matters. I am not looking to be accepted by mankind or any particular individual. I am an unique person created in the image of God, just like you and every other human. What makes me a little different is that I was raised in a horrific childhood home and in order to recover I learned to face the good, the bad and the ugly in me to press into the pain and discover the beauty. I am not happy everyday, but I do try to be real. I wrote this one day when I was struggling:


Photo Credit: Katey Smothers

I just want to die.

So many times I have felt this way. Everyone else and certainly myself would be better off if I had never lived and if I no longer existed today. Still I wonder "What does it matter if I live or not?"

Right now I feel: I am useless. I will never to able to do anything productive. No one will ever want to pay me anything that I am worth to do something professionally. I am left to volunteering my time, my life, and to what cause?

I want to live my life for a worthy cause, to serve God, to be obedient to him.

Do you see the twisted conflict I live with?

A very long time ago, maybe thirty years ago, I wanted to be a mother more than anything else. I wanted to love on little children and to help them to grow up and enjoy life and to learn and to become who God created them to be. BUT I am not successful as a mother. My children really don't like me. They barely can stand to spend time with me. At least this is the way I feel a lot of times. It is not their fault. I know I am different, eccentric, and that I can be very unfiltered. I embarrass people  and many don't like to be around me. Most young people don't want to stand out. I make them uneasy. I am so unpredictable.

Why should my own children be any different? Most people are uncomfortable with me.

I used to think it was because I was messed up from being raised in a damn abusive home but you know that excuse gets old, especially after you have finished ten years of therapy over 3 years ago and you are on mental medication. You should be a better person by now. You should be functional, not a charity case--having people do things with you only because they have to or because they feel sorry for you.

No wonder I want to die.

I have for 20 years, basically ever since I had children; I have wanted to be left alone, to live isolated by myself, not having to interact with anyone. I figured, if I can't function and people don't want to spend time with me why do I have to go through the charades as if people do? Why can't I simply be real and live in some little 800 square foot building on the edge of a piece of property by myself? I can listen to the birds, watch the weather change, read books, write and create art if or when I want to do it.

I would never have to interact with another soul and never be concerned if I was wanted, needed or cared about. I could be content being myself without hurting anyone, including being hurt myself. So you see, although I say I don't care what people say or think, deep inside parts of me do. I feel rejection; I am human.

So my soul cries out, "Just let me be."

Just leave me alone. Let's stop playing games and pretending we have relationships when we don't.

This is what always gets me. People think that when people wish or want to die that they are SELFISH. Am I selfish? The truth of the matter is people say that because really they feel guilty. The truth is they didn't really care about the person to begin with or they were in the "relationship" for their own damn selfish reasons wanting to speak or get something from the person on their own terms--being when they wanted to, but also wanting the person to disappear into the walls or stay out of their way when they wanted to do their own thing or when they didn't want to interact. Who is the selfish one? Probably both. EVERYONE.


The rambling stops here. Next week I will release a part two on the same topic. I finished what I had to say that day. 

Sunday, March 29, 2015

I am A Failure

I don't succeed in the long-haul at anything. I am a continual failure. Can you relate?

Looking In I can see how Broken I am

Oh, don't we all love the sayings about how nice it is to fail because that is the only way you will ever succeed; Or it is ok to fail as long as you fail forward; Or it doesn't matter how many times you fail as long as you keep trying to succeed?

Well, can it not also be true that some people do not EVER succeed? So those cute little sayings about you might as well try because if you never fail you will never have a chance to succeed, can really get old. Especially when you have not had much success in life. Do you ever feel that way?

So what have I done:

I graduated high school, but amazingly so did everyone in my high school class. It was just what you did; you finished; you graduated.

I went to college to be a psychologist. I was going to go to school for 8 years. But, ended up getting married after 3. So, I then went to school to be a practical nurse to have some kind of employable skill when I was young and married. Before I got hired as a nurse, I oddly was hired by a bank as a teller. I quit it after about a month because I felt like an automated teller machine.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Dissociative Identity Disorder - Wires On A Bomb

This is an inside look at someone who is going through a dissociative state. The thoughts are scattered and you will see various internal conversations. I wrote this many years ago and found it today on my computer. Today, I am no longer dissociative but I am amazed at what I wrote. I titled it Wires On a Bomb so I will leave it that way. #mental illness #dissociative #did

Here it is:

so much wiring within
It is unstable - I know.

Jittery, moving about ever so slight but it does not need much to explode.

Can I figure out which wires to remove before its too late? Do I dare to try? No matter what I do--except to enter a catatonic freeze--will increase the possibility, the odds of its blast.

So what does one do? Twisted, fragile, so not wanting to be at this moment, this point in time, this crisis ---again, again and again.

Seconds feel like hours, and hours prolong like days...especially if you pause, to pray or gain some kind of controllable ease.

I speak, and what comes out is sweet and kind---the way I like to be. Interact, exchange, and the responses I receive don't resonate like love, interest or concern. I feel like a blemish that needs to be removed. 

Odd, cold, weird. Out of place.

Monday, February 9, 2015

I Chose To Feel Terrible

It is not always be choice, but sometimes it is. It is our choice whether we turn inward to pity and suffering or whether we open our soul to receive help. I did not ever ask for help.

I feel terrible because I gave in to moping around all day and not eating things that would make me feel good.

We have responsibility. Everyone can have a bad day. Hormones and chemicals that swirl around our bodies can get the best of any of us. I never used to give in to the pains of my cycle until I had a daughter that we pampered during her cycle. Yes, the pain is real and you do feel out of sorts, but what you make of the day is your responsibility.

I am no spring chick. I turned 52 this week, but yesterday I gave into the cramps and hormonal pains of my monthly cycle. I never used to do this. I would push through. And it is okay to have a down day, but it is not okay to indulge in eating crummy and lying around like a mound of unshaped clay.

A dear older friend of mine said it is okay to have a pity party -- give yourself 10-15 minutes -- and then get on with life. I gave myself 10-15 hours.

I don't feel better for it.

I still don't feel my best but I am not going to mope about. I will take it slow and do my best to not self-indulge in self-pity.

There are times in life when PTSD, depression, panic and other mental conditions flood our bodies and take over. In these times we are not choosing to be one way or another. But, in the long run, we still have a choice and responsibility. If you suffer, get help. Healing is a real outcome if you put in the hard work of therapy with an excellent, well-trained therapist.

Yesterday, for me was not a day like that.

And today I choose to eat what is good for my body and to be more disciplined about my activities.