Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Why Do You Push Me and Laugh

I hurts so much.

When I try, when I reach out, when I am needing help, when I try to talk, when I ask,

Why Do You Push Me, and laugh?

It is not funny to me. It hurts.

I know I am not always stable, not always right in the head. It is not by choice.
You say I don't handle stress, but you don't do anything to alleviate my stress. You act like you have the answers, like you understand what is happening, like you have adjusted, like you are normal, like you care. You even say at times, "I love you." And that is nice to hear, because I believe.

But when I call you, when I talk to you, when I am seeking help or need a change or to get on track or to move one step away from the edge or to make progress or to make life better...

You PUSH me... you rattle on with jokes and laughter, it's a game, you twist my words and laugh. You make up riddles, jokes and play on words. You wont get serious; you don't take me seriously. Around, and around, and around we go. Poking, laughing, questioning, laughing, telling and laughing.... anything to beat around the mulberry bush and never address the point of why I asked to talk.

So, I coil in, steaming for a blow up. I cry, get angry, force myself to walk away. I wail, talk to myself, want to run, want to be put away, want it all to end. This is not how I want to live, no one would want to be treated this way... and I am especially fragile, still.... and no matter how many times we have repeated this ACT in our 'play of life' .... we don't ever rewrite the script.

One person can't change a whole cast.

I try to take a different part, to be under control, to be regulated, to be stable, to be kind, to not raise my voice, to not nag, to interact in positive ways, to listen and to talk, to encourage and help, to take and respond when you need something or to go somewhere....

And when you dream, I focus and listen and try to imagine your dreams being real with you... and do what I can to make them so.... I want you to embrace who you are, and to be and to have and to know.....

But whenever I start getting overloaded, when things pile up, are left out, spilling over, lying around, I aim to tackle what needs to be done. I work as best as I can. I pick, I pull, I put, I load, I place, I call, I write, I run, I answer, I deliver, I get, I fix, ..... and then it happens. I weaken... I tire... I can't keep up and I think.... oh why do I ever think ...  "I will just ask, that's it. We just need to talk about it, surely if they knew, surely if I shared, surely if only I told what my needs were, that I needed help, that I needed everyone to do their part, that I needed someone to work, to give, to be unselfish, to lift a finger not in their own personal luxury or delight or benefit, they would listen, receive, understand and respond in a caring way. They would help.

BUT, No....

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Abstract World - What is sanity?

Is it insanity? How can you know?

If you are insane, you will never know... so if you don't think you are insane you might be.

If you do think you are insane, you might be.Or not.

Doesn't it take a little bit of "insanity" to see beyond? Well, if you prefer, mental capability to see and know what is abstract. To believe in, sensing, something more than, to understand better than, to feel with an aware that others often miss.

Is it you or is it them? Who gets to say? Who is really living in the real world?

And who gets to pick? Who sets the rules, standards, conditions, proofs, absolutes?

Can you bend your mind? Can you see beyond, can you feel more, can you know what others never even see?

What is real? Is it what is tangible, what is accepted by the majority or the brightest, smartest minds? And who is to determine who and what is really bright or smart? If you rattle back facts are you smart? Or does that mean you can record and replay very well? But genius, is not playback... no matter how much or how deep or how far or how wide your storage and rapid repeat of facts may be.

What is genius?

Is it not the ability to create anew? what do what has been undone? To utter what has been unheard? To make visible what has been unseen? To share facts that have always been unknown? NEW.... not a new blend, nor a new order of what was, nor a new packing, nor a new method of what has been?

And if new is the substance of genius, than is not a Creator the only one possible of being a genius, of making something brand new out of nothing that was or came or existed or is? Not transformed, not mutated, not cloned, not replicated, not evolved... each of these begins with substance of some sort whether thought, sound, material, energy... even space from which has to be?

Pure genius is only possible by God, the Creator.

And it is His choice alone to who He wishes to give, or show, or make known, or aware what is new. Or even if He ever chooses to do this.

Is another not sane, out of touch with reality, not making sense, not right.... could it not be that you in all your great wisdom, experience, accolades, achievement were too absorbed in your own beliefs, your own concept of reality.... that in the end, you missed what was given and what is true. What is truth? Certainly, it is not you nor me nor any other mere non-creator to determine... unless you are so grandiose to think you are more knowing than the all-knowing God.

And isn't that what insanity really is? Because is it not so, that you will never know, if what you believe to be, really is and therefore, you foolishly place your eternal existence in what you have convinced yourself to be real, and you laugh... no, you scoff  and belittle anything or anyone that just might have the answers you don't want in your reality.

And in a sad, insane way, you convince yourself that your beliefs are truth, and that truth is make-believe, a figment of a person's (of course, another simpler minded person's) imagination, a thought conjured up to answer questions they could not answer so to be satisfied they created faith in what is not real.

Look in the mirror and answer this question.... Are you sane, and by whose standards? Are you convinced beyond all other possibilities that your believing "it" to be so is all the proof you need?

Don't forget how you will be able to explain the existence of God away the day - and it will come - the day you are in His presence, remember how to tell Him that He is not real.

On that day, who will be the fool? Who will be insane? Who will not be functioning in reality?

What is abstract to humans today will not always be an abstract world of another dimension of time and space... it will be all that is as it already is.

But only those who don't know that to be true, don't know Who is.

Can you see? Are you sane? Are you living based in reality?