Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tight Around Your Neck

The scarf around my throat ... I thought about it... I wanted to hang myself, to end it all, to make this stop happening. I don't want to hurt others, to respond inappropriately, to make people cry. Why can't I just shut up? Why can't I stop talking? If only I never said a word, it would help so many times and so less people would be hurt. I really don't say anything that consistently helps. I write better than I speak anyone. I long for it, but don't think I can do it. I wish my voice would be taken away. To never scream again. To never say another painful word. To never push into a conversation. To just listen and be silent.

A failure is how I often feel. I feel worse..I feel less...

Why did He allow me to be made? Why knowing the future let it happen... the sperm meet up with the egg... the child to be formed in my mother's womb? If He could see the number of my days, He knows me through and through why allow someone to be made so that they can be tormented and in turn hurt and torment others while all along always tormenting themselves? What possible joy? What possible good? What greatness of purpose out-ways the damage, the agony, the undying misery?

Glimpses here and there... a good day sprinkled in ... some laughter... some heartfelt connection... some positive difference..........

But in the weight of the balance, is it worth it to You? It is not, to me.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I'm Scared

I'm scared. I feel like a whole has been ripped right through my gut exposing the deepest secrets of who I am or was and I am really scared.

What will become of me?

Will they laugh,



throw stones....

Will it hurt? How deep will the pain go... how long will it last...people can be so mean.

Will I live to regret me desire to be transparent... my desire to inform... to show what others may never get to peer within to see?

Is that way I was set free? Did He know I would tell? Did He need someone to survive to explain what it is to be insane?

Nevertheless, it still hurts, deep inside, twisting like spaghetti that will never come unclumped... inedible...stiff, stuck together what should be loosely free... it balls up inside of me.

I draw a deep breath and ask for Him to reach in and take this heavy, painful lump away...spiritual surgery by the hand of the Master Physician.

I trust. I lie open. I wait. I breathe. I will it away, lifted, takes, disposed, thrown...

another cleansing breath of the gut and all around from head to toe.

I no longer fear. He is here. My Doctor, friend, companion, Lord.

Come to me, make me whole, take away the pain of knowing and making known. Protect me as I stand out on the ledge, use what You compel me to speak. Its for your glory... the only thing I have to give.

Cherished ... what others dare to trash, to frame, to label or blame... you hold like a perfect gem to be admired... the blue diamond of hope. So beautiful and so costly... I know you know its worth. I can know rest my weary brain and soul.

I've allowed myself to be... of use to Thee.... how little it may be... a drop into the ocean, a speck of dust upon a shelf... and in Your hand it is enough...

Another cleansing breath, I can now go.

I can be. That is all we can ever really do .... is be.