Sunday, April 12, 2015

I Just Want to Die

This is a very raw article. My transparency makes some people very nervous, but I have learned that knowing I am accepted by God is all that matters. I am not looking to be accepted by mankind or any particular individual. I am an unique person created in the image of God, just like you and every other human. What makes me a little different is that I was raised in a horrific childhood home and in order to recover I learned to face the good, the bad and the ugly in me to press into the pain and discover the beauty. I am not happy everyday, but I do try to be real. I wrote this one day when I was struggling:


Photo Credit: Katey Smothers

I just want to die.

So many times I have felt this way. Everyone else and certainly myself would be better off if I had never lived and if I no longer existed today. Still I wonder "What does it matter if I live or not?"

Right now I feel: I am useless. I will never to able to do anything productive. No one will ever want to pay me anything that I am worth to do something professionally. I am left to volunteering my time, my life, and to what cause?

I want to live my life for a worthy cause, to serve God, to be obedient to him.

Do you see the twisted conflict I live with?

A very long time ago, maybe thirty years ago, I wanted to be a mother more than anything else. I wanted to love on little children and to help them to grow up and enjoy life and to learn and to become who God created them to be. BUT I am not successful as a mother. My children really don't like me. They barely can stand to spend time with me. At least this is the way I feel a lot of times. It is not their fault. I know I am different, eccentric, and that I can be very unfiltered. I embarrass people  and many don't like to be around me. Most young people don't want to stand out. I make them uneasy. I am so unpredictable.

Why should my own children be any different? Most people are uncomfortable with me.

I used to think it was because I was messed up from being raised in a damn abusive home but you know that excuse gets old, especially after you have finished ten years of therapy over 3 years ago and you are on mental medication. You should be a better person by now. You should be functional, not a charity case--having people do things with you only because they have to or because they feel sorry for you.

No wonder I want to die.

I have for 20 years, basically ever since I had children; I have wanted to be left alone, to live isolated by myself, not having to interact with anyone. I figured, if I can't function and people don't want to spend time with me why do I have to go through the charades as if people do? Why can't I simply be real and live in some little 800 square foot building on the edge of a piece of property by myself? I can listen to the birds, watch the weather change, read books, write and create art if or when I want to do it.

I would never have to interact with another soul and never be concerned if I was wanted, needed or cared about. I could be content being myself without hurting anyone, including being hurt myself. So you see, although I say I don't care what people say or think, deep inside parts of me do. I feel rejection; I am human.

So my soul cries out, "Just let me be."

Just leave me alone. Let's stop playing games and pretending we have relationships when we don't.

This is what always gets me. People think that when people wish or want to die that they are SELFISH. Am I selfish? The truth of the matter is people say that because really they feel guilty. The truth is they didn't really care about the person to begin with or they were in the "relationship" for their own damn selfish reasons wanting to speak or get something from the person on their own terms--being when they wanted to, but also wanting the person to disappear into the walls or stay out of their way when they wanted to do their own thing or when they didn't want to interact. Who is the selfish one? Probably both. EVERYONE.


The rambling stops here. Next week I will release a part two on the same topic. I finished what I had to say that day.