Thursday, February 19, 2015

Dissociative Identity Disorder - Wires On A Bomb

This is an inside look at someone who is going through a dissociative state. The thoughts are scattered and you will see various internal conversations. I wrote this many years ago and found it today on my computer. Today, I am no longer dissociative but I am amazed at what I wrote. I titled it Wires On a Bomb so I will leave it that way. #mental illness #dissociative #did

Here it is:

so much wiring within
It is unstable - I know.

Jittery, moving about ever so slight but it does not need much to explode.

Can I figure out which wires to remove before its too late? Do I dare to try? No matter what I do--except to enter a catatonic freeze--will increase the possibility, the odds of its blast.

So what does one do? Twisted, fragile, so not wanting to be at this moment, this point in time, this crisis ---again, again and again.

Seconds feel like hours, and hours prolong like days...especially if you pause, to pray or gain some kind of controllable ease.

I speak, and what comes out is sweet and kind---the way I like to be. Interact, exchange, and the responses I receive don't resonate like love, interest or concern. I feel like a blemish that needs to be removed. 

Odd, cold, weird. Out of place.

Monday, February 9, 2015

I Chose To Feel Terrible

It is not always be choice, but sometimes it is. It is our choice whether we turn inward to pity and suffering or whether we open our soul to receive help. I did not ever ask for help.

I feel terrible because I gave in to moping around all day and not eating things that would make me feel good.

We have responsibility. Everyone can have a bad day. Hormones and chemicals that swirl around our bodies can get the best of any of us. I never used to give in to the pains of my cycle until I had a daughter that we pampered during her cycle. Yes, the pain is real and you do feel out of sorts, but what you make of the day is your responsibility.

I am no spring chick. I turned 52 this week, but yesterday I gave into the cramps and hormonal pains of my monthly cycle. I never used to do this. I would push through. And it is okay to have a down day, but it is not okay to indulge in eating crummy and lying around like a mound of unshaped clay.

A dear older friend of mine said it is okay to have a pity party -- give yourself 10-15 minutes -- and then get on with life. I gave myself 10-15 hours.

I don't feel better for it.

I still don't feel my best but I am not going to mope about. I will take it slow and do my best to not self-indulge in self-pity.

There are times in life when PTSD, depression, panic and other mental conditions flood our bodies and take over. In these times we are not choosing to be one way or another. But, in the long run, we still have a choice and responsibility. If you suffer, get help. Healing is a real outcome if you put in the hard work of therapy with an excellent, well-trained therapist.

Yesterday, for me was not a day like that.

And today I choose to eat what is good for my body and to be more disciplined about my activities.