Sunday, May 22, 2011

Drift Away- Dissociative Fog

My eyes close and I drift away. As if drawn by some power stronger than myself, and left drained off all my energy. My head easily flops back against the pillow resting on the headboard... not another day, another wasted day to sleep.

I want to wake, as I stagger out of bed. My feet find the floor, and I try to steady myself as I sway. I love living, people, being actively alert and alive, but my head slides down upon the other pillow. I toss from one to another, but want awake. Maybe I didn't get out of bed after all, maybe it was a strong desired dream.

Heavy eye lids, quiet words - none spoken. Lifting up my head again, I realize I drifted, slept, maybe lost a few hours, no minutes or many even seconds... it is so hard to assess.

Dissociative Fog can be numbing, debilitating, confusing...

I slide a little further down my bed until I am nestled underneath the fluffy comforter with my head on the over-sized sham pillow.... comfort, relaxation.... sleep.

Hours later I awaken to activity: the phone rings, people are moving about, voices, trying to make plans, questions, did she miss the party, where was she suppose to be, where is the number? I hear myself mumble, "I am so tired. I don't feel good."

Regret, sorrow, shame, frustration, sickness rises in my heart. I don't want to be this way. How does it happen? Here one minute, gone the next. In and out of consciousness, a stupor, drunk without a drink, drugged without a medication.... Does my body just need to rest? Is emotional healing so hard on a person's body that it must resort to checking out for a time to stabilize?

I am so sorry. Did I let him or her down again? Will I ever be normal? What is normal? Normal people don't sleep 48 hours. Normal people can function 24/7 on a regular basis except for a rare physical illness.

Do I say upset at myself? Disgusted? Dejected? What good does that do?

With grace and hope that God is in control and that this too is a temporary state that will be greatly out-shined by the joy and glory of eternal life with God in Heaven, I center myself. Sleepy but focused, weak but certain.

Life, days, I - will not always be like this. So I will persevere and even if it means I have to get carried along, through, until this sleepy forest ends. Stay on course, keep moving ahead, don't look back, but to be encouraged by how far you have accomplished .... with so much more to conquer ahead.

Do you have foggy, sleepy days?

1 comment:

  1. i have lots of foggy sleepy days!


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