Every time I try to be a mother... I try to guide, direct, lead... I am treated terrible.
I don't know why you God made me a mother. I am not at all cut out for this. I have tried. I have failed. Nothing I do is right. I am ignored, disrespected, despised.
Why am I here? I am certain someone else could have been a much better mother for my children. This is not a pity party statement - it is a statement of truth! A rare fool could have done a worse job then me .... and they probably would have been appreciated.
I don't handle rejection well. Does anybody?
It appears that other children listen and respect their parents. Is this true? Are is a just a charade everyone is playing?
Is the Emperor Really Wearing no clothes in every home, and families just pretend they are real.... or Do real functioning families exists?
I do not want to talk about it anymore. I am sick... I was going to say I was sick of it, but in reality I am probably really just sick..... I am one flew over the coo-coo nest.... I can't even spell that right. That's me! One big I can't do anything right.
And deep inside I know God loves me. He really does, and the funny thing is I love who I am - who I am with Him, Who He created me to be, and who I have become.
But so few, if any people see me, know me, hear me.... care. My family - what family? That's a joke. What is a family anyway? Really - is it just a bunch of people forced to live in a house together like given a prison sentence for life or at least 18 years. Pretty stiff penalty for the crime of wanting to love some one, wanting to take care of someone, wanting to hold, nurture, maybe even know another person created by God.
Some people make it seem so natural, so normal, so easy.... like walking or buttering a piece of toast. For me it is like mountain climbing on a glacier while it is thunder-storming and golf size hail is pelleting me and I didn't dress for the cold weather.... no I am unprepared, I am wearing a t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops... my hair is wildly flying about drenched, but stiffening in the bitter cold, and my hands are torn up, bleeding. As I cry my eyelids crust with frost, I can barely see.
But I hear the voices, people are laughing, jeering, making fun, telling me how wrong I am, telling me how much I am exaggerating my circumstances, how off base I am, how off track I am, how I messed up again.
What was I thinking? Did I really think it would be different? How many times does one need to fall off the cliff, come crashing down, break up in pieces only to stupidly stand up and after a short time of healing go at it again.... hoping for a fresh start, hoping for a change of heart, hoping beyond hope that life could be as it is suppose to be...
That people really could love and respect one another. That people really could have compassion and understanding. That people really could want to do their very best and to please another.... to be unselfish, to care, to see the light and desire what is good, what is helpful, what is healing, what is loving, what is pure.
Oh, God, if it is me, that I am just terminally broken - end the cruel merry-go-round ride call life. I have grown a lot, loved all I could, tried all I could.... I swung, gave it my best shot... I stepped up to the plate, but never once did the ball make contact with the bat. I am tired of swatting the air of nothingness. As long as I live, I will keep (like an idiot for You) going back up to the plate to swing again with all my might for You. Give it one more try.... maybe just maybe .... maybe beyond hope....
maybe life is beyond my capacity to swing.... maybe I was never really a player in the game of life to begin with.... maybe I didn't notice I was on the make-believe team, the actors, going through the motions, the retard that everyone puts up with --- well, because bless your heart --- she thinks she is "really" in the game... she doesn't know it is all pretend, she doesn't know they just let her pretend to "mother" ---- because bless her heart, she is doing the best she can considering....
But wait, I can see, I can hear, I can learn.... I know.... at least I thought i could.... i thought i did....
it doesn't really matter any more....it doesn't really matter any more........