I'm Scared

I'm scared. I feel like a whole has been ripped right through my gut exposing the deepest secrets of who I am or was and I am really scared.

What will become of me?

Will they laugh,

taunt,

kick,

throw stones....

Will it hurt? How deep will the pain go... how long will it last...people can be so mean.

Will I live to regret me desire to be transparent... my desire to inform... to show what others may never get to peer within to see?

Is that way I was set free? Did He know I would tell? Did He need someone to survive to explain what it is to be insane?

Nevertheless, it still hurts, deep inside, twisting like spaghetti that will never come unclumped... inedible...stiff, stuck together what should be loosely free... it balls up inside of me.

I draw a deep breath and ask for Him to reach in and take this heavy, painful lump away...spiritual surgery by the hand of the Master Physician.

I trust. I lie open. I wait. I breathe. I will it away, lifted, takes, disposed, thrown...

another cleansing breath of the gut and all around from head to toe.

I no longer fear. He is here. My Doctor, friend, companion, Lord.

Come to me, make me whole, take away the pain of knowing and making known. Protect me as I stand out on the ledge, use what You compel me to speak. Its for your glory... the only thing I have to give.

Cherished ... what others dare to trash, to frame, to label or blame... you hold like a perfect gem to be admired... the blue diamond of hope. So beautiful and so costly... I know you know its worth. I can know rest my weary brain and soul.

I've allowed myself to be... of use to Thee.... how little it may be... a drop into the ocean, a speck of dust upon a shelf... and in Your hand it is enough...

Another cleansing breath, I can now go.

I can be. That is all we can ever really do .... is be.