Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tight Around Your Neck

The scarf around my throat ... I thought about it... I wanted to hang myself, to end it all, to make this stop happening. I don't want to hurt others, to respond inappropriately, to make people cry. Why can't I just shut up? Why can't I stop talking? If only I never said a word, it would help so many times and so less people would be hurt. I really don't say anything that consistently helps. I write better than I speak anyone. I long for it, but don't think I can do it. I wish my voice would be taken away. To never scream again. To never say another painful word. To never push into a conversation. To just listen and be silent.

A failure is how I often feel. I feel worse..I feel less...

Why did He allow me to be made? Why knowing the future let it happen... the sperm meet up with the egg... the child to be formed in my mother's womb? If He could see the number of my days, He knows me through and through why allow someone to be made so that they can be tormented and in turn hurt and torment others while all along always tormenting themselves? What possible joy? What possible good? What greatness of purpose out-ways the damage, the agony, the undying misery?

Glimpses here and there... a good day sprinkled in ... some laughter... some heartfelt connection... some positive difference..........

But in the weight of the balance, is it worth it to You? It is not, to me.

But I did not get that choice. I was born without my consent. And I wish I would have not, because I have certainly made more destruction in the lives of myself and is no use pretending... to keep on trying... I will never be over it right up until the day I die. And I don't get the choice of that day either, like a prison term I must remain here breathing, eating, walking, speaking, doing often what I do not choose but must because it is my given life.

You who read this with spiritual eyes of Jehovah God, who analyze the words through the filter of His Word, please find the flaws inductively word by word, thought by thought, sentence by sentence, analyze what I should think, feel and say instead ... if only I was 'born again.... tell me what I do not know... correct me if you must. I am sure you have a strong deep desire to point out were I am off, where I do not line up plumb to His Holy Word. Does it make you feel better?
Do you think you helped or can you help another to see the errors of my ways? I am sure you are and you can and you always will be able, because you are blessed, among those who see, hear and live in His light... in obedience... and grace. Oh, and remind me how powerful this grace is... how deep it goes?
And how if I only had the faith of a mustard seed all would be different. Oh, my  sin is such disgusting lack of faith. It is sad that I am so bitter, angry, trapped in my own sinful thoughts and ways. If only I could have learned to you do... I would have known healing and the abundant life you know...but no, I didn't...I was too weak...too lacking in faith, the real faith, the miraculous faith...that you possess.

How bad for me!

I thought I knew. I thought I heard Him speak, but it must have been just another voice... religious voices are very popular among the mentally ill. We think we can really hear Him, and some of us even try to imagine being with Him, walking, dancing, living... one on one. So grandiose... poor dear, so warped, so ill.

Don't pity me, just walk by in disgust, just toss me to the trash, just pretend I don't exist... that usually works.
It is better to help the 99 mentally sane sheep than the 1 time consuming loony sheep, and she probably will never amount to anything, certainly not help the growth and stature of the church - the influences and the amount of people saved. 
Move on, move on quickly... if you don't you may miss another one that could have been saved... it's not a matter of not really caring. Of course, you are deeply concerned, you just have so many lost souls to save... you have to look at the big picture... those souls who may never get to heaven are too valuable.There is only so much time, you can't go wasting the limited resources you have. You made the right choice. Anyone else in your position would have done the same. She was off... you know, not right...crazy. And all those time you tried, you listened, you encouraged, you told her things were going to change, and all was going to get better, you promised her...hoping maybe she would believe. 
And don't forget she isn't rich, so she could never help out in any material way. There is nothing she can really give... she is one of those who take and drain and cause disunity... you know the kind. Everyone will understand and agree... they all have had those kinds. Believe me, you did the best you could. You can't feel guilty for that.

Worthless, they will never know what it feels like to never be able to be enough, to not be able, to not be capable of adult responsibility, to not be the right type, to be let go, to be asked to not participate, to be not wanted... how could they ever know what it feels like to be on the other end of such actions, such repetitive treatment. It is for her best and the best of all others... at least keep telling yourself that...maybe it will ease you responsibility or conscience.

You think I would have learned by now; no one listens to me anyway. I am such a fool. I don't really see what others see. People take risks, chances on me... and each and every time they get burned... better keep a distance, just let me alone... I am only one out of billions who are alive, just forget about me... everyone will anyone... no one will ever say, I wish she would be here, I wish she could come, I would love to hear her, It would be nice to meet with her, to talk to her, to work with her....

NO, everything she enters becomes damaged, destroyed, infected with her instability.

I asked to be classified as mentally unstable but they would not do it. I asked to be classified as permanently disabled but they wouldn't do it. I was declined. No matter what I ask, I am declined.... declined to be able and declined to be classified unstable. I guess that should be the theme of my life - REJECT or DECLINED! It resonates through everything I ever tried --- ever hoped to be ---- ever wished I could do.

Nurse, mother, teacher, volunteer, artist, writer, speaker, counselor....

so many many faces

The only thing I am good at is being a patient of a therapist and being a student. I want to learn and grow... but nothing more... because what is the use if you learn and know all you possibly can which is never truly a possibility, but you are never able to really put that learned experience and knowledge to use? Why go on? All is for naught; and will it really matter in eternity if I know anything? We all will be perfect then and know anything we need... so in the end I truly have no good purpose... I exist, I take up air, I use space that another could take... and the Christian answer is:

I was created for God's glory... that's sad! I will never be able to fulfill that lofty purpose. He created me with a hope for a future... ha ha ha, what kind of possible future could I hope for here on earth. Really, I would have to be dense to think I could ever even in the tiniest way bring God of the Heaven's some measure of glory.... some light of His reflection. I am so broken, so mudded up, so unusable. No one will ever see... no one will ever know... no helping anyone. They will all say, "If only we had known...I could have... I would have..." or "We didn't know how bad she was doing?" Whose fault is that?

And then I wonder why they will not put my away... lock me in a room and pass a meal under the door... leave me to myself. If I do any harm, it will only be to me, and that is OK, because it doesn't really make a difference. I don't matter. I can be safe if I can never harm another. I can never bring pain, agony, hurt, tears one more time... if only they would put me away.

And even, that they will not do. I am forced to interact, to perform, to function, to pretend that  I am able to take the roles given and wish me best of luck. No extra help, no one to check on me, no one has time... and at least I am not violent or actually physically hurting myself or anyone else. That makes me a step above the others... the ones that get locked up... in comparison, I am really not that bad.... no, in comparison, I am doing really good.

And I should be happy with that, what an accomplishment, what a testament to all the hard work I have put in to be transformed.. What a living testimony! Maybe one day they can use my story to help others, but probably not... it will be forgotten like most useless, wasted, meaningless lives of those who are not right in the mind that must pass through time on earth. A punishment for being born, for being placed into existence in time and space by the all Loving, Redeeming, Caring God who knows what is best and works all together for good to those Who love Him.

That makes so much sense...doesn't it?

Don't you all feel better now?

No reason to wish the scarf was tightened around your neck.

You can understand... it will all work out... just have faith... believe God! Say it again, "I believe God!"

And I feel tears building up like so many times throughout my day, I want to cry... oh, how I have trusted, believe, wanted,  it is not God's fault. I know it is my weakness.

That's it... I believe God ... I just know it's me. I can't believe... because I won't let "it" happen... I won't let God do what He wants.

It can't be God's fault... its my fault. I messed it all up, I didn't live it right. I didn't understand. I wasn't surrendered enough. I didn't have enough faith. I didn't really believe. It  has to be because God is perfect. He can do no wrong... there is no one else is left to blame but me.

tape my mouth shut
I am sorry. My life is my fault. I am selfish and have not lived as best as I could have. I didn't tap into what God provided. I failed.

Please forgive me. I am working on forgiving and loving myself... no matter how warped I may be. I have no other choice. Please God, help me to be silent, to stop speaking so much, to stop thinking I can help or have something to say. Tape my mouth shut. PLEASE.

And if you would be so kind and loving, let me die and go to heaven... today would be nice... even this minute... it could never be too soon. But I know it is your choice. I just want you to know I am waiting, and wanting this to be over as soon as possible. Father God, it hurts so much. Have mercy on me, please. Call me home to heaven. It is the only thing I ask of You. It is they only way out of me... and I so want to be free.

love your daughter .... Me

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