Thursday, January 5, 2012

I Want To Be Normal

I want to help others but I can't help myself. I love and know God and trust Him too, but that doesn't stop my brain from being a jumbled mess. 

Jumbled thoughts can be pretty!
Scattered thoughts keep bombarding me. 

I feel like a rattle-head. 
I think I wrote once about this before, being a rattle-head. And it was the least read post...Even I couldn't relate to it much after the episode passed.

I have cried out to God for help this morning, and for the past two days. I have gone to others for prayer and careful, with exercising great inner control tried to explain to my family of three teens and my dear husband (I almost didn't want to say dear, oh, how hard it can be on a marriage--to twirl out of control and to not know why or how to make the top stop spinning).

I don't know what pushed the top into its first spin. 

And that is part of the problem I can't think clearly. I can't remember even simple things. 

It is like the filing part of my brain has gone on vacation. Like the secretary or office worker that does this clerical job is on vacation... and her office is getting messy very quickly. Manilla folders are scattered about the surface space, the counter tops and her desk. A few have fallen to the floor, and someone has dropped a couple in the trash. 

But the "organizer" has left, gone on a holiday, I don't know when she will return. She didn't leave a message or post a note.

And my brain runs down this trail......

(Post a note - oh, I love those little colorful sticky notes. They come in so many colors, shapes and sizes. They are so much fun. Who ever thought of making a note that sticks but unsticks was quite clever. I like the idea of being able to drop my thoughts little pieces at a time on a little square box. Once out it is safe for keeping it until it is or might be needed in the future.)

Have you have seen Beautiful Mind-the movie? You know the shed with all the papers on the wall and how they are tied together by lines. His mind thinks it has found a clever pattern, an insight that others simply can't see. It is obvious to him, even an obsession. But others are clueless, normal. Others don't see the patterns, how events connect. I am sure God sees how, it all connects to Him. He must have a super large brain with a very elaborate filling system. How does He process it all?

He sees everything! He knows when sparrow falls from a tree or looses a feather. He has not only numbered the stars in the sky - He knows them by name. 

And again my brain runs.....

(Oh, I just saw two shooting stars this past weekend visiting my family/friends. It was magical, mysterious, a gift from God. I love their home that I often call a homestead... they do too sometimes I think. I know they call it a farm. It is a family farm for 11, but don't get a picture of just a bunch of rows of crops. No, this is a full functioning family farm with chickens (hens and rooster) giving forth fresh eggs for delicious meals. And the milk comes straight from the dairy. It is so rich and filling. I love the grits. I can make them at home but nobody else will eat them, so I don't like to waste a large pot of them. Funny thing is my family will eat those little bags of instant grits, but not the yummy polenta grits by Red Mill organic foods. I can eat a few plates... more if I didn't stop myself. Why do I like them so much? Does it matter? A comfort food doesn't have to have a reason.)

The sky was so beautiful - gift from God!

(Oh, the shooting stars! The first I have ever seen in my life, and to top that we saw two! One flew from east to west and a few moments later probably a minute or two, one flew from west to east! The sky was so incredibly bright. It was a chilly winter night, like many I have been there before. But on this night when five of us walked from the main house to the guest house it was like someone turned on the LED lit planetarium. Crisp, sleek black so distinctly contrasted the beaming bright little lights! Some seemed to twinkle. Do stars really twinkle but we can't normally seek them dance on and off in the sky because the atmosphere gets in the way or too much light from the homes limit our view? The children ran inside to get a camera - one with 14 megapixels- a new camera - a Christmas gift to my daughter. And I stayed outside, me and God or God and me. And I praised Him! I thanked Him for the beauty and how delightful it was to experience His sky and two shooting stars. And in response I heard, "You know, I know each star by name?" Marvel, speechless I gazed about even tilting my head back knowing the stars I saw were without numbers... and awed at God that He knows them by name. My eyes wet with the thought of such grandeur.)

Do I need to write? Is it not something I do but something I need? Is it therapy? What keeps me sane, normal?

I pause and take a deep breathe. Inhaling the air about me in the room slowly, holding, and the release.

Is this like my brain? 

It inhales slowly at first taking in pictures, comments, thoughts about what my eyes see and what my body feels and what I hear. And then in writing-in remembering- it slowly releases some of the chatter, clutter and keeps me from going into overload. 

We left for New Year's Holiday on Friday morning. It has almost been one week. And this-right now- is the first time I have sat at the computer to exhale all the thoughts running about in my head. 

It feels better, my head that is. The wheels, like movement in a clock, in slowing down.

(My brother can repair old pocket watches. He is ten years younger than me but he can do so much. He doesn't know how talented he is. And I was buying a nice silver and pink fake gem guess watch from someone local for $15. I was to meet Nicole in a parking lot, but I had the wrong location. Then when we set up to meet in a grocery store parking lot, I went to the blue car that furthest away from the store as instructed, but there was a man in the blue car. I didn't think he should be a Nicole, and I wasn't going to go up to his window to find out. A trap- it felt like it could be a trap. So I drove up closer to the store and went shopping. I filled my cart with groceries. And in the store I realized I hadn't been in a grocery store for such a long while. I couldn't remember the last time. I told that to my husband on my way home and he agreed that  I had not, but that he liked going grocery shopping. I guess that is why we haven't had a good balance of food, running out of butter, cheese, fresh fruit and veges, and so much else that is simply nourishing food.)

Do you notice the oddness of the way my thoughts run and wander? I do. 

But I also know there is nothing I can do to stop it...  Writing- at least- gets it out of the main frame of my conscious working thought area. 

What is wrong with me? 

I am sure some doctor could give me a new label. 

Have I overloaded my brain, which from school I know this is suppose to be impossible because we are told we use so little of it. Or does too much enter too quickly and then the main drive begins to crash? Do I need more random access memory or maybe a quicker processor? Is there a repair shop I can go to get a reboot or maybe a clean disk... clean disk... a big smile came across my face and another deep breath. Wouldn't that be nice? Even to have a backup disk... you know, a place in the human world cloud that I could download my thoughts for safe keeping and then pick them up if I ever needed them. That could be a cure, if anyone could figure out how. 

And my thoughts return to God. Only He is capable. 

I am moving slower and so is my brain.

My thoughts have slowed, almost stopped.

I feel sane again.

And I feel hugged, more settled, quiet!

So what have I learned... is it that I don't write because I enjoy it (I do enjoy it) but more than that, I write because I must! It is part of remaining sane, to write and unload, a necessary therapy needed so that I can be functionally normal (and again I smile at that - at least, I might appear functionally normal).

We -here - know the inside joke to being normal... it is kind of like the idea of being perfect or being right. A mirage that can never be obtained and still we try to aim. 

Thank you for listening. I want to post even though it might have errors. It is raw... unproofed, but I need to push publish to have it leave my brain and enter the internet cloud for my later retrieval. I don't want to save it... it just doesn't seem like what I need to do. I must let it go... release it to unload and be set free.

I love comments. Any comments help me know all this has a purpose.


  1. You have a purpose. Your wonderful writing has a purpose. Keep on at it. I could relate to your post and it has helped me immensely. I am so glad you posted your raw prayers go out to you.

  2. thank you. I am sure you know how much it is easy to doubt yourself... like what am I doing? Am I wasting time? Thank you for encouraging words.

  3. Yes i can relate.
    I write too, to survive.
    Thanks for sharing.

  4. Be reassured you are never wasting your time writing or posting what you write. I too write to heal to get the turmoil in my head out. It may not always show on my blog but I keep a journal to and that is much more raw. Sometimes just spilling the emotion or thoughts/worries out of my head into words physical words seems to release the pressure valve and everything just relaxes a little. Thank you for this post.

  5. I have so often read and heard about how bloggers feel connected - usually this is for crafters and cookers and designers. It is like they find a support group and deep encouragement among others that blog in similar areas. I so have wanted that for healing bloggers - we so need love, encouragement and support to preserve and it is not about blogging or building a business but it about surviving and learning to be thriving - it is life and death serious. I am so glad to have healing bloggers connecting. It blessed my life so much!


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