It has been a long time since I have written a post in Shattered Glass Life.
This is like my personal cave - where I let out my secrets of secrets - the raw rumblings that are ugly sometimes, hateful, and other things that socially trained people know they must hide from the world and often even from themselves.
I AM SO ANGRY!
I am in pain.
I am hurting so deeply, feeling like I have been stabbed in the emotional heart by the sharpest of points. He aimed rightly and pierced me in the most delicate place of my feeling heart.
I now know why I don't allow anyone to get in - to release myself to fully embrace another living soul with undying love. When the one you love is careless with the delicate gift you have entrusted them with, when they speak words or even worse speak nothing at all - void of emotion - Oh, I have a hurting heart.
Not like the broken and shattered one of my childhood, the emptiness of never having been loved, the brokeness of being beat so many times it no longer hurt or being scared to death that you or another family member might be murdered. That is not so much a broken heart- love was never there... a heart that felt nothing but pain, fear and anger - can not be broken the same way.
I have lost a part of me - of who I thought I was - of my self-worth - of my delight - of my joy.
How is it that the meanest people can be given so much, forgiven so much, tolerated and even loved, but the very one that is afraid but dares to try, that never once intended any harm, that has always taken responsibility for her sins and quickly confessed any known error or unintended hurts, can be treated with distant lukewarmness, as though I do not feel - like I am not a real person who deserves not to be so hurt.
How can someone toss away the love of a mother - when so many others hunger to know and feel the hug of a mother's arms just once in a lifetime?
I am sure this season will pass as all others do - but in this world of disconnect - the internet age of texting, tumblr, pintrest, Facebook, and so much other digital imitation style relationships - maybe this is a result of immersion in the cold tapping of the keys, the ability to just not reply or to walk away when you don't want to hear or say anything more - maybe this is how people are learning to treat one another.
We can instantly be unfriended or deleted - is this what relationships have come to? To treat the one who loves and holds you as though they are not human but a screen that you no longer want to look into - oh, what are we doing to relationships.
I looked into her eyes and saw nothing in return. Flat, one dimensional eyes, like glass that had dulled. Emotionless, unwired to the soul, life and joy had dripped away one day, some time ago, and I had not noticed the stream of tears. I spoke my heart into her eyes and the letters of my words dropped one by one simply falling down - unheard. It was like they hit a wall that I had not seen go up - how did I not know - how did I not feel this coming.
And then I can not help but feel the fool! Maybe I did not really connect and the one I so thought I loved did not feel so loved.
Maybe I never connect - Why do people stare? What do they know that I don't know?
Maybe my sin, my weaknesses, my lack of skill and 'trauma mess' leftover from the abuse tainted all my love. Maybe it was not to her so pure - to her it was tormented, twisted, sick and simply tolerated for what pathetically it really was - a psudeo-love. I do not think I will ever know real human love or truly be able to give it unconditionally to another. I have tricked myself to thinking I was something and had something - I really did not.
How worthless I feel! How worthless all the days of my life have been!
And once again I struggle to believe I have any purpose or reason to live and don't understand why God will not bring me home to Him. How long must I be tortured here in this life? Is not 50 years long enough of a sentence? Is there not justice in the Kingdom of Heaven? Father, I am so distraught. I don't understand why you allowed me to be born and then to live - it makes no sense to me at all - I truly long to die. Our time on earth is horrifically painful and filled with agony, injustice and grief.
But I know I am your servant, your handmaiden, so I bow my heart and spirit before you with a tear-stained face, and ask, Father what would you have me do for you and your glory, for it is the only reason I breath, for any other reason is worthless indeed. Forgive me for being so selfish, and for expecting so much from others and help me to rely wholly on YOU! For it is with You alone I am protected from all pain - hold me closely, never let me go!
Heal the sadness in my veins and turn the pain into forgiveness and the forgiveness into grace to enable me to respond in unconditional love regardless. For the kingdom and power and glory is Yours forever and ever AMEN!
Change me. And start deep within.
This is like my personal cave - where I let out my secrets of secrets - the raw rumblings that are ugly sometimes, hateful, and other things that socially trained people know they must hide from the world and often even from themselves.
I AM SO ANGRY!
I am in pain.
I am hurting so deeply, feeling like I have been stabbed in the emotional heart by the sharpest of points. He aimed rightly and pierced me in the most delicate place of my feeling heart.
I now know why I don't allow anyone to get in - to release myself to fully embrace another living soul with undying love. When the one you love is careless with the delicate gift you have entrusted them with, when they speak words or even worse speak nothing at all - void of emotion - Oh, I have a hurting heart.
Not like the broken and shattered one of my childhood, the emptiness of never having been loved, the brokeness of being beat so many times it no longer hurt or being scared to death that you or another family member might be murdered. That is not so much a broken heart- love was never there... a heart that felt nothing but pain, fear and anger - can not be broken the same way.
This is so different
To have a heart once filled and overflowing with love pouring out from the deepest part of our soul - to have given another everything possible within that you, literally, are able to give - to hold back nothing...When this heart is pierced and tossed away, simply like you don't matter. And all you have lived, all you have given, does not add up to one ounce of kindness in return. Oh, the agony of unrequited love - and that of not a lover, but a child. It aches my soul - it quakes me. I crumble to implosion of all that I had thought we held and cherished - to know that my love was so easy twisted and treated with disregard is a pain I think I have never felt, because I have never loved as I have this one.I feel reduced in size.
I have lost a part of me - of who I thought I was - of my self-worth - of my delight - of my joy.
How is it that the meanest people can be given so much, forgiven so much, tolerated and even loved, but the very one that is afraid but dares to try, that never once intended any harm, that has always taken responsibility for her sins and quickly confessed any known error or unintended hurts, can be treated with distant lukewarmness, as though I do not feel - like I am not a real person who deserves not to be so hurt.
How can someone toss away the love of a mother - when so many others hunger to know and feel the hug of a mother's arms just once in a lifetime?
I am sure this season will pass as all others do - but in this world of disconnect - the internet age of texting, tumblr, pintrest, Facebook, and so much other digital imitation style relationships - maybe this is a result of immersion in the cold tapping of the keys, the ability to just not reply or to walk away when you don't want to hear or say anything more - maybe this is how people are learning to treat one another.
We can instantly be unfriended or deleted - is this what relationships have come to? To treat the one who loves and holds you as though they are not human but a screen that you no longer want to look into - oh, what are we doing to relationships.
I looked into her eyes and saw nothing in return. Flat, one dimensional eyes, like glass that had dulled. Emotionless, unwired to the soul, life and joy had dripped away one day, some time ago, and I had not noticed the stream of tears. I spoke my heart into her eyes and the letters of my words dropped one by one simply falling down - unheard. It was like they hit a wall that I had not seen go up - how did I not know - how did I not feel this coming.
God, may we learn
to treat others with the love that we so desire for ourselves. May we value the relationships we do have and never walk callously away in total disregard to all we have shared between each other.
And then I can not help but feel the fool! Maybe I did not really connect and the one I so thought I loved did not feel so loved.
Maybe I never connect - Why do people stare? What do they know that I don't know?
Maybe my sin, my weaknesses, my lack of skill and 'trauma mess' leftover from the abuse tainted all my love. Maybe it was not to her so pure - to her it was tormented, twisted, sick and simply tolerated for what pathetically it really was - a psudeo-love. I do not think I will ever know real human love or truly be able to give it unconditionally to another. I have tricked myself to thinking I was something and had something - I really did not.
How worthless I feel! How worthless all the days of my life have been!
And once again I struggle to believe I have any purpose or reason to live and don't understand why God will not bring me home to Him. How long must I be tortured here in this life? Is not 50 years long enough of a sentence? Is there not justice in the Kingdom of Heaven? Father, I am so distraught. I don't understand why you allowed me to be born and then to live - it makes no sense to me at all - I truly long to die. Our time on earth is horrifically painful and filled with agony, injustice and grief.
But I know I am your servant, your handmaiden, so I bow my heart and spirit before you with a tear-stained face, and ask, Father what would you have me do for you and your glory, for it is the only reason I breath, for any other reason is worthless indeed. Forgive me for being so selfish, and for expecting so much from others and help me to rely wholly on YOU! For it is with You alone I am protected from all pain - hold me closely, never let me go!
Heal the sadness in my veins and turn the pain into forgiveness and the forgiveness into grace to enable me to respond in unconditional love regardless. For the kingdom and power and glory is Yours forever and ever AMEN!
Change me. And start deep within.
I feel your pain. I always wondered if there was something wrong with the way I loved and I came to the conclusion I just loved others more than they could love me. What do we do with the pain though, raw physical pain. I hear you and I thank you because your willing to share helps and voices what others experience and feel to. It helps others to feel not alone and to know someone understands. What a gift you are. Thank you. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for empathizing with me. It is heart to be real and question your own ability to love. I wrote some more about that last night in my pen and paper journal. This statement it me: "I just loved others more than they could love me" - I think I did try that for a while - this sounds sad - but I got so hurt. I gave people everything I had which probably was less than most normal have - or at least deficient in many ways, but it was my all - and I feel like so frequently I was toss out like the rag-doll with stuffing coming out instead of being lovingly stitched back up because people didn't realize that I was still a valuable friends and even though I could be a mess, I was still lovable.
ReplyDeleteMy saving grace is God knows me and loves me through it all.
Thank you for your comment.