Feeling Older - Something New For Me.

I wrote this the day I turned 49, almost a year ago.... last week. I have waited so long to post it. I am not sure why I needed the time ... between the words spilling out and feeling comfortable publishing the post.

But since I have just read over the words and like I am reading someone else's memory... I guess it is safely time to post.

And last week I turned 50, just another happy day.

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I received a birthday present today. I am forty-nine.

While I don't feel old in my soul or spirt - not even my mind (except for the fact that I have read so much, I have to be old), I can now see OLD when I look in the mirror.

 I wonder if this happens to every person that lives a long time.

For such so many years, I had a permanent internal picture of what I looked like. I didn't age a day past 20. When I looked into the mirror, I looked like me - the young me I had always known.

It must be telling that I had the ability to perceive beyond the present, or more accurately to see the past instead of the present each time I thought I was viewing a mirror image.

I recall the surprise, even shock, when I started to see my actual reflection in the mirror. My chin and neck seemed to join as one. It was no longer slender. My arms and back had extra bubble padding, and my waist looked like a circular floaty was concealed beneath my shirt.

When did that happen? Who is that women in the mirror? (Have you been there long?)

My age has never been a problem for me. We all grow older everyday, that is, until we die. I guess that is a positive contemplation: if I am aging, I am living.

So I had to look, and stare and examine.
But finally I had to accept, embrace and practice loving myself as I am.

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My husband took me out for an early birthday lunch with our teenage daughter. At the restaurant, she paused at the table before she sat down. I noticed her sleek shape draped with her lovely long black hair. In self-acceptance, she smiled knowingly, from the inside out. She was genuinely happy, and it showed. We talked and laughed, and so enjoyed sharing. Being together was what I relished most.

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And now, I pause, taking time to I reflect upon the day: 

Don't we always want to look our best? But since we must age, we hope it can be gracefully.

Yet, what I find more enduring is not how I look in the mirror, but the fact of life that appearance is not what is lasting.

So this day -I think- I recognized more deeply, that as my self-concept of my outward image changes, that it is not as important as I thought it might be.

I am -beyond a doubt -blessed in an ever beautiful way: to know others intimately, lovingly.

In my nearly fifty years, I am beginning to experience seasons of happy memories, a result of wholeness, that becomes more frequent after great healing.

I choose to ponder these pictures of life in my heart, because moments of thought, like these, can't be captured in a still-life photo. They can only be cherished spontaneously, enjoying times together.

May I always notice precious people in my life.