Friday, March 18, 2011

Flawed but Loved - Dealing with Hurt

It can be hard when you mess up like I do... I have glaring faults that unfortunately appear visible to others... when I become tripped up.

Rejection Hurts - We are all Flawed, But all still Lovable.
I have been through a very hard situation. What is new?

Relationships are hard when you are not .....

I am ashamed, embarrassed and painfully hurting.

A situation started after the first weeks and gone under the rug, until I spoke up last Monday... drawn into frankly, frustrated anger. I am not saying I am not to be responsible or to blame. I have dealt with God and a written apology for my part to those involved, but we received a certified letter today saying that I may not go in the building but only drop off my children in the parking lot because of my "disquieting incidents".

I really feel I have let my children down... here I am again, being cut off from them because I am an "undesirable, raw-around-the-edges, not traditional churchy-lady refined, imperfect sinner."

What hurts so bad is I know I was wrong, I apologized for my part, but no one else took any responsibility... and I am left formally restrained from entering the building.

I am crushed. I have so often felt like I was not good enough, like I was a failure, wishing my children had another parent instead of me, because I knew I wasn't normal, but it cuts so deeply to be treated like this by Christians, and fellow homeschool leadership.

The board of 4 made the decision, and I did not even get to address the whole board.

I know God loves me as I am, and I am always welcome in His court, in His presence... help this be exalted in my mind and emotions.

A NOTE from a prayer warrior friend: The concern I have now for you is that you are so deeply affected by how they are treating you that it feels as if they are controlling you (especially emotionally). I am praying that the tie that binds you to their control will be broken by the authority of Jesus and by the power of the Holy Spirit and instead the love Christ is all that will control you in any way, according to 2Cor 5:14 (ESV). May you receive a fresh revelation how Christ does not count our trespasses against us (vs19).

Doesn't it sound great to only be controlled by the love of Christ?? 

WOW! That really helps, me...

I didn't see it as another having the ability to emotionally control me.

I needed to hear the words about how they are not only controlling my physical actions, but my emotional. This gives me something to work on with God. I so want to be changed, it is so hard to see so much in yourself that you don't want to be there, but I must be patient because its is God's perfect plan and timing that is prioritizing what He is conforming to Christlikeness.

It is nice to have -at the same time, while in deep construction - sisters who love you regardless to your sin/flaws/failures knowing in a deeper way that we all have our stuff, just some people's stuff is more visible than others. I just keep pressing myself into the presence of God were I am loved and accepted now, and unconditionally. Other people can't offer that because they don't see what God sees, knowing I am in process, I am changing, I have progressed, I have changed. He knows my past, present and future, and therefore is not alarmed by my present.

This is the true love of brethren, to learn to trust God working in each of us, and to extend grace, knowing we are God's. When a person is in Christ, actively being discipled by Him, we need to encourage, rejoice, and see each through grace and hope... not seeing the flaws/sin of who we are, but knowing who we are in Him.

Have you been controlled? Have you been cut off?

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