Friday, March 12, 2010


So, this is what life is suppose to be like. Is it good for you? Is it as disappointing as my life. How many times have you wished you would die? Too many to count.

I have no real solid answers, no one to help, no one to listen to me that I need help, no medication that will control my outrages. No, I am permanently screwed. One day, I will be able to break free from this cage called life, living in torturous pregatory - now way to be released, no way to be normal, now way to not hurt, disappoint and destroy slash by slash my children and husband.

Oh, God, how can this be just. What pleasure and glory could you receive from allowing me to live and birth forward three precious children only to watch me destroy them stab by stab, slash by slash, beating them down into worthless, insecure teens seek freedom and to be anything but like me.

I release them, tell the to run, to never look back, to go forward discovering their future and hope accepting that it probably be best that it is apart from me. God knows I don't want to hurt another living creature.

If not helped, if not stable, if not certain I will cause no harm, I must be set free from the relational ties legally and emotionally binding them to my family - those poor souls deserve a tenfold of blessing.

If I am not yet to die, leave me to be - alone - safe from causing any pain. No one deserves to ever be hurt one more second by me. I am finished through tired of all of the excuses.

No entering the medicated drunken stupor, I am ready to crash to sleep. Maybe I will wake up happier but I don't decide anything better for me. Just take care of my children - they deserve so much more.

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