Friday, July 8, 2011

Doubting Myself - Living in Rejection

hurt, cold, run away
She hurt me. She pointed at me and accused me.
What? Why? I didn't.....

Run... run... run away. Close your mouth... Calm...

But I reach out ... slap... and I reach out... slam... and I reach out... stone cold!

Why was she angry? I thought she was my friend. I like her. We have always gotten along. What did I say that was so  offensive.

She did not smile. She would not talk. She turned not to look back at me. Does she know? Does she care? Or is she simply hurting too much inside to even see the pain caused to another? my pain. I am blind to her pain?

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. We both live in grace."

Why is she ignoring me? Rejecting my words.... shunning me...running from me....

I gotta go, gotta get out of here, can't take it, can't believe it, what is her problem, rules are rules, can she not read. Does she have no respect? She is wrong, oh so wrong. irksomely wrong. getta away. run away. stop it. I don't want to hear.

She gets in her car, and shuts the door.

Then the voices speak, "You always ruin everything. You can't make friends. You can't function in a group. You will never be able to be a part. And you thought you found your place, a place to serve, a place to minister. hah! See how quickly you cause problems. They would be better off with out you. Everywhere you go things fall apart, people get offended, someone is hurt..."

But I was so happy, at peace, in love.

How do occasions materialize, be enjoyed, provide assurance and blessing, and then, so quickly turn? The rug ripped out, the room set ablaze. I had it, now I watch it slip away. Taunting. Haunting. Echos of the past - he hit the button 'replay'.

I held it. I know I did. It touched me. It was real!...but now like a hologram I watch it slowly fizzle away.... evaporated. Here one minute, gone the next.

The quicksand of offense - a trigger of trauma deep within - swallowing up all that is good.

I reach out. I touch. I try to make it right..... nothing.... not now... it will never be the same. This scenario has repeated so many times in my life.

Did I walk on a landmine? I didn't know, I didn't see, but there was an explosion happening on her inside. I tripped her; she was damaged: shattered, overcome by the past, crushed by shame. Mad!

I am sorry, that was not my heart intention.

The voices return, "intentions, ha! intentions don't matter. what really matters is what really happens. (laugh) you (sarcastically) intended not to hurt her? Loser! You did! Did you see the pain, the grimace on her face, the void in her crystallized eyes - that glare - the words. She shot you. She is mad. She may never forgive you. (singingly) another one bites the dust, another one bites the dust. ha ha ha ha ha......"

"Oh, shut the hell up. I wont believe your lies. Get behind me Satan. I wont fall into your trap. I am covered by His blood" Oh, that made you flinch. So you don't like that... "I command you in the name of Jesus and by His blood to get away from me."

I will pray. I will trust. I will still reach out again. I choose to love.

Joy rolls over me as I draw in a deep breath. I sense hope rising in my inner core. But it happen; it was real. It does not just wash away. My physical body - my arms - have not caught up to the relief. They are heavy: like two sandbags hanging off my shoulders. The weight feels real; it is not of my imagination.

Still, I know, I am sure: the sun will rise and set again, each day mercies are new and I shall not stay in suffering. I am no longer imprisoned. He set me free!

I will set her free, will she me?

I will do what I can to be loving, and to be consoled. Good will rise out of this. Before the new way of life, much breaking must be done. The old cast must be hit, chip by chip, chiseled down, and cast away. We are making room for what will be, becoming His vessel. I will see. He is building something new! Good will come. It will rise out out of the ashes of remains.

I walk into this today, I believe... it is a choice.

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