Thursday, July 28, 2011

Living through Super Glue or The Fire

Is this your life?
When you are shattered in life, like a crystal vase that has crashed on a hard tile floor, you are splintered into little parts - some sharp as a cutting edge, others blunt and a few chunks that just wouldn't break any smaller. We go about life trying to "be normal" if we can... to fit in, to not draw attention, to not be 'a problem', to wishfully be swept away...

But very rarely do the broken pieces in life ever come together...

Why? With so many hurting people, so many who have been taken advantage of, who have been abused or used... why do so few find healing.

I think it might have to do with what we are willing to endure, what cost we deem too much to pay... and how much we love.

Cost and love - an odd duo. Love can't be bought, but it costs more than most of any love newbie would imagine. Sacrifice, selflessness, delayed satisfaction and so many similar lessons must be mastered in transforming ... in becoming capable of loving others deeply, and really loving ourselves.

Broken people have such a warped view of love.

Counterfeit love is nothing like real love.

"... he said he loved me, and then he took what was not his to take..."

"...I never heard the words spoken to me, but I was expected to proclaim my love for them..."

"If they loved me, they would be .....  they would not..... I could..... I  think I know what love is.... it must feel warm .... "

"oh, what the h. am I talking about... why do I even try... I will never know... it is not for people like me..."

And then we try to fix it (our life), to make us alright.... piece by piece we hope the superglue of a quick fix will have a permanent hold - a repair that looks like nothing happen.... or maybe we can be creative and make us look new, not like all the other normal, boring others, because we deep inside KNOW we will NEVER be the same.. NEVER be complete... Never really be worth the genuine, untouched, happy-life people.

We you be able to fix it?
And it is a false solution, one that may for a while look together, but if the light hits us at a wrong angle the brokenness is apparent for everyone to see... if the people we tried to fake out... Or when the storms come, and we cry, we hurt, our heart leaks... drip, drip, drip ... through the little fractions of missing pieces that we could never find, restore or recover from what was done.... we tried what seemed easy, or at least doable... but it does not work... at least not all the time, or when we are stressed the most.

But the fire, it is hot... harder than anything we could imagine... unbearable so many times we can't bear to continue.... we can't see the end result... we have no hope or guarantee that the fire will even really do the job. Why suffer so much, and still be a mess? It is not worth it... just give me the super glue...

And the TRUTH IS - WE DON'T really want to be .... can I even dare say it.... we are scared to death of being.... my throat tightens... my teeth clinch... my lips press together and the words vanish... running away from being spoken....OUT WITH IT!

We are totally freaked out that if we are healed, if we are whole, if we make it through the refiner's fire ... we will no longer be able to step back, step down, be safe... alone... unusable... We might have to step up and take full responsibility and it scares the hell out of us because we have never known what that is like and we really don't trust ourselves or think we will make it.

We know defeat, we know failure, we know nothingness, we know sorrow.....

Accept the Fire Necessary for healing.
But when real healing takes place, it will soon be time for us to be useful, special, uniquely who we were meant to be.... and that is quite vulnerable.

I am not going to ends with 'it will all be worth it', 'you will live happily ever after', ' life will be one high after another'.... frankly, that is a lie.... but I will state in my life, I am on the edge of learning to walk on my own, to risk involvement, to begin to plan instead of just letting life happen... and I am so uncertain of what will come. And is this not living fully, learning how to take the good and the bad, learning our strengths and weaknesses that are genuine to our original design. I joy.... I breath... I hope.... no matter what I know I chose the hard purifying fire of healing and in a beautiful way I am going to face the good and bad, the joy and pain, the highs and lows.... and I will not only survive, I will live!

I will live, and be me.

I like that!

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