Friday, July 15, 2011

Drained - Rejected?

I don't know why I am so drained?

Nothing is wrong... no sickness, no big problems (we all have the daily little stuff).

It is more of lifeless, empty, (I hate to say this) BORED.

Out of my heart flows His Words.....

Yeah, yeah, I've said it before, "Bored? I will give you something to be bored about."

Many think if you set goals, work, plan, go.... you can avoid it.

The truth for my life is I am not purposefully plugged in to doing what God created me to do. I am like an artist without a canvas, a fashion-designer without fabric, a chef without food.

But sometimes I do have the supplies: the canvas, the paint, the brushes, the fabric or food... and what I am lacking is a place to be visible. I can paint a hundred canvases but if not one is ever seen - what purpose is my life? I can design closet filled with outfits but if one is never worn - why exert the effort? And I can make the most appealing meals with the finest of ingredients, but if no one ever taste them - it is a waste.

God created me to write, to speak, to teach.... I know it. I get weary of the energy it takes to promote myself, to network, to find small openings for my abilities.... I write, and write and write... journals and notebooks filled - in piles - around me.... if I look I see... I think...

Did I write that? That was good. What a message. What a needed teaching.

But I wait... and the doors do not open. I know His timing is perfect, and I don't mean to whine or complain, but there is something beautiful about life when you are allowed to receive from Him and let Him flow out from you... watering, seasoning, building, lifting up, rescuing, renewing..... the list goes on.....

It is than, that I could return back allowing God to pour in more.... so I could purposefully pour out more...

Commitments scare me. What if I don't follow through? What if I take on too much? What if I spiral out of stability? Not that I would shame myself, but that I would let Him and others down... that I would be crossed off the list of highly valued people (HVP). I am not seen as a HVP. Are you?

I hear of this person, and that person... of what they are getting to do... and I know I would blossom in such a role... I offer, I ask, I inquire, I propose.... but no one ever calls.

Am I marked?
What do they see of me?

Is there a permanent "damaged" "broken" "needs repair" "trash" "reject" label on my face that I can't see?

I wait, and wait some more. Ever so patiently I continue to build my skill, help others, hide in the shadows.... and see others called on, see others invited, see others be asked....

Am I invisible? I do not know... honestly, I do not know. But this makes me sad, depleted, drained.... I want to be plugged in, to be trusted, to be allowed to be who I am.

God, when? how? what?

Am I just spinning? Am I running up the wrong ladder? Am I reaching out and not seeing your hand is no longer in that place. Oh, God. I don't want to waste any more time in my life. I have already missed about 50 years.

I don't often ever pray for myself. But here I go, like a little child... timidly walking out on the big stage to audition... to say my lines and hope my name will be on the casting list when it is finally posted. God, you know me, you have all access to opportunities... Is it time? Can you send some offers my way?

Here I am, Lord, Use me.....

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