Saturday, April 30, 2011

Another Lost Day! (Life after child abuse trauma)

Another one.... another lost day.... they add up so much... so many lost days.

Running on the inside, hurting on the outside.


Words, oh so many words.... healing, clinging, cutting through, knowing, telling me what to do.

And do I do it, or must I wait?

And who can do it, or must I stay?

Running on the outside, hurting on the inside.

No one will see.... how they hurt me... No one will know.... pass by so slow.

And does it really matter? Can it make sense? Is it so important? Looking through a lens.....

Running for a living, hurting cause I'm dying.

no hope, no flight, no chance, no life..... crystal spinning..... little eye lids close....

Is there any hope? Will it really help? Who will reach her know? No one seems to know?

And does it really matter? Does anybody care? A blimp in the universe, with who will she share.....

Can you hear it, getting louder, bellow screaming, shouting sounder? I can't hear a word. I can't see a sound. How can it be? I didn't hit the ground.

Slapped on the left side. Beat on the right side. Shouting all around. Slammed in the covers. Frozen on the water..... solid, floating, down..............

No one heart a sound....

No one felt the pain....

Friday, April 29, 2011

I am Tired! (Results after Child Abuse/Trauma/Dissociative)

so tired.... so tired.....
I don't want to live any more.

I am so tired.

I have tried, and tried. Worked so very hard to be better, to be a person, to be functional, to be normal.

Some would say I have ....

I have done so good...

I have made progress...

My life is better...

It is always getting better...

but I know the truth......... I know I will never be OK, I will never be like others, I will never be normal, I will never assimilate, fake it til you make it doesn't really work.

A life of failures.... I feel so sorry for my husband, his family, my children, friends who have crossed my path, people who just will never try or understand.....

Yes, I am mad.... but I am also sorry, and angry, and sleepy, and hurting, and giving up.

What reason do I have to fight?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I will never be....

I try to be uplifting and positive. I hope for a better me, a better day. I see things differently in my head before they occur than after I actually interact with the world.
Should I try to hang on...............................?

So much... nearly everything that I try ... crumbles, crashes, slips and breaks, explodes, cracks.

What I see is positive, loving, giving, sharing, togetherness.... this is not reality.... and so I am hurt, slashed, hurt, disappointed.... really does anyone care, why do I sit here and share my over-bleeding emotions and heart...

I really think sometimes I do to try to hang on.... to feel like if I will never be able to do anything, at least I can be a witness for some other soul - dark soul - hollow soul - pained soul... to know others are often barely hanging on also. Is that a reason to be? Is that a purpose to breath?

It is so difficult... when you want to experience normalcy.... to be a mom, wife, friend.... nobody famous, nobody special .... just simply a functional person that can make it through a short time in a day... and be productive... functional at the normal state that most people take for granted.

And when I cry, I appear weak. And when I sleep, I appear weak... And when I scream, I appear weak. Weak in disciple, character, growth. I am not who I want to be or who I will ever be.... I... must come to terms that some things, some people in this sinful world really don't get completely better.... I look normal on the outside, but I am not..... and so I silently cry, slowly die... second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month.... WASTED.... a life that would have been better unlived. What is the purpose? .

Jump, Jump, Jump! Do you hear the Music?

Jump! What is stopping you?
Many times in life you will come to a cliff. Do you have faith? I guess that depends if you are certain of the path you are on and the creator of your path. Faith is never tested on the solid path... the steady predictable road.

You can only "Jump" with joy if you know the one asking you to take the leap.

Who is leading you to the edge? Listen to the music.... do you hear the music?

violence, violations, victim .... fear, fighting, fury.... harm, alarm, forever storm....

questions... interrogation... irrational.  Listen for the music, do you hear the music?

brutal, bloody, boxed...

touched, taken, terror...

Are you running? Where are you running? Are you scared?

Does it matter? Do you care? Will it hurt you? Is what you hear the music?

Sick, sick, sick.... in the brain, brain, brain.... just insane, sane sane.... Everywhere I run, everywhere I run..... I keep crashing into a closing pane.... I am trapped.... in pain...

Do you feel it? No more? What's in store? Is there more? Can you hear the music? Is there any music?

Pain, pain, pain.... Why am I ashame, shame, shame....

Who is insane, sane, sane? Everyday it the same, same, same?

What will change the world? What can change my world? It is spinning.... I am spinning... we are spinning....

Run, Run, Run.... You want fun, fun, fun, ... In the sun, sun, sun.....  dance, dance, dance.... In the sun, sun, sun.

It is just a lie, tears pour out your eye, What is it to die? Floating in the sky.... get away... any way... every day... start today... one note... one chord... one tone... one song......

Live, die

Know, lie

Cry, fly

Chaos spins around, blasting all away, no one hears what you say....

Monday, April 18, 2011

Angry, So Angry - but at Who?

I yelled. I screamed, "Screw U!" I was so angry..... but I didn't realize until later at who.

Anger Rages upon My Soul
Angry - I was in such a position, angry - no one put my fragile soul safe, angry - I felt trapped, angry - I came so far to be cut off, angry - I couldn't trust others...especially those in life the very people you are suppose to trust... those in life that most often are sitting in the front row of one's funeral, that have your back, that forgive, forget and protect. Anger boiled in me, burnt my soul, made me cry in deep agonizing tones howling like a wolf in the darkest night or a battle horn blown by a solider shot, wounded blood mixed with dirt crusted on what was once an optimistic uniform.

Anger seethed for those who hurt me, and I became unbalanced..rolling from one event to the next...never quite finding the "be still" place in life, because stillness brought more uncertainty and PAIN... a wall of falling rocks on my path, I am dangerous to anyone who walks close or even simply around to pass. No one is safe, the least safe is that precious girl, the life within me.

What to do? I am all bound up, formed into a rolling ball, like a large marble aimlessly moving toward any direction my life is tipped...

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sorrow, Sleepy, Shattered - Dissociation Needing to Ground

Where are you looking?
I am so sleepy.

I am so sad - sorrow runs like a raid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way.

Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP.

So close, yet so far away.

You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have...

We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic!

You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze.

If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left along.

BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality" "they desperately want a happy ending" "They need to use you" "They need to be trusted"

The ledge of love and hate... of believable and unbelievable... fiction and non-fiction .... are only one step away.... getting warmer.... turn.... getting colder. Close your eyes can you tell which way to turn? Do you know what voice to hear. HEAR ME!! TRUST ME!!! SAFE!!! COME!!! ALL IS WELL!!!

But who has been with me all these years? Whose sweet, gentle loving voice has walked me step by step through healing, life and victory? Who has helped me? Who has listened? Who do you know? Who do you trust?

The way is hard, a road less traveled. You will be misunderstood. You will be challenged. You will be questioned and judged and accused.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Need A Mommy!

There are times when God asks us to be vulnerable to help others see. For me, this is one of those times.IMG_2051ed

"I need a mommy!" mumbled the child through tears walking up and down the hallway. 

Over and over, it was all she could say, the only thought that seemed to answer the hurt inside her wounded heart. 

"I need a mommy! I need a mommy! I need a mommy!" she repeated as she sucked her finger for comfort.

She is about  three-years old. 

So confused and lost, but she knew what she was missing. 

A mommy to her would be someone to take care of her, someone to love her, someone to belong to...but where, where could Mommy be found?

Let me explain a little. Children raised in broken or abusive home lack security and attachment. A mother provides this as she embraces her child and gently pats her back or when she lovingly gazes in her baby's eyes. Tender times like these are vital to proper brain development. Without them the brain does not allows chemicals to be released that calms and eases stress. This explanation sounds technical, but people need to understand an abuse survivor does not simply regret not having a parent-child relationship. The brain actually develops improperly in children that are abused, neglected, or living in unstable homes, resulting in poor neuro-transmittion of chemicals in the brain.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Happy Days - Simple Times

Sometimes when you live a life after abuse.... you tend to be most emotional about the crud days... and so it tends to be what you write most about.

A benefit of living through trauma is "normal blah ordinary days" can be quite special.
Take Time to Savor Small Joys

Today, for me, is such a day. My sink is full of dishes, my bed still has to be made, I am not even sure I have brushed my hair or teeth... but I have a overwhelming warm glow resonating from inside out... and a very real smile on my face...

What's up? My relationships with my family... and God.

I had a GREAT talk with all of my children together and individually.

My son wanted to learn to fix french toast. So we did that together... he even wanted to get a cookbook out.

It seems we are together more... making attempts to lovingly appreciate little times... but most of all each other.

I love hearing my children talk together.... it helps when mom is not emotionally off-balance.

And I love hearing them express their opinions about ideas, other people's comments, and just anything they are interested... pure joy.

I will savor this moment like a fresh spring blossom... knowing moments, days... like these don't last, but they are real... and in this real moment I will savor it... let it fill me up... let my joy be full.

And maybe on a day that I am down I can reflect, look back on times such as today, as what I love so much about life itself.

That is what makes abuses and childhood trauma so devastating... Relationships are what life is made of.... if the basic ones are destructive, cracked, quicksand, life has in constant tumbling turmoil.

But also it is what makes life so wonderful, when you have invested in rebuilding a foundation, in building from the clean slate, from the steadiness of reality, and after the pain has been chipped away head-on...  you are given a true fresh start.

I sense this is what God is giving me. A time to build. A time to laugh. A time to love. A time to dance. Nothing is perfect but there is a time for everything, every season, under heaven... and it comes to those who are willing to walk through the intensely painful memories keeping steadily fixed with your eyes of your Maker.

Take time to notice.... happy days.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Trust - Warning Fragile! Handle with Care!

Little Bird, Who Do You Trust?

Once so small, so tender too..

Little bird, what must I do?

In the wind, it pulls swiftly at me,

Do I take flight, stay, or just wait and see?

I am a fragile soul, like bird,

Who will protect me, who will listen so I am heard?

I am in the safety of Your palm.

Nothing can touch me that is not in Your plan.

As a little bird, I look up to You.

Oh, God, show me what I must do?

"Be true to thyself and what you feel.

Honoring pain, admitting it is real.

Little bird, you are free... fly away .... live life as it should be.

Fly away home, Little Bird."


TRUST


Take Flight!

Trust - that was the whole theme.

Once broken it is hard so seam.

No instant glue can mend the ragged tear.

Convincing, coaxing, pushing makes it just harder to bare.



Trust - fragile and so easily broken.

Shredded by words either said or unspoken.

Actions always speak louder than words.

They reveal your true hand, intension are heard.



Trust - a bond, a powerful link between two.

After it is broken, no quick remedy will do.

Childlike cornered, so many stating the way.

Shutting down, so I can hear what You say.



Trust - I am looking at You.

I know You will get me through.

This I am certain while all else is unsure.

I cling to You -hope and promise of good future.



Trust - I am trusting You.

You have always come through.

In the darkest of day, in the deepest of pain.

Your love, Your knowledge, You are always the same.



And this is the rising star

Nothing I have ever felt before.

I learned through the web of appeal

In the end I see, I trusted myself to feel.



I had so many choices to deny my pain,

To suck it up, make it hide in shame.

But I gave me a voice, and I honored it too!

Thank you God for showing me what I must do.



Of course, I owe it all to You.

I learned to trust myself and give me what I needed.... I didn't deny my pain... or how unsafe I felt.

When it all came down, crashing all around, fingers of accusations pointed at me. I stood strong.

I trusted my instincts,  I honored my feelings, I protected myself,

To thyself be true!




and in this revelation, a bud of peace, joy and assurance has emerged.  


Take Flight!



Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Sorrow, Sleepy, Shattered - Dissociation Needing to Ground

I am so sleepy.

I am so sad - sorrow runs like a rapid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way.

Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP.

So close, yet so far away.

You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have...

We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic!

You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze.

If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left alone.

BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality" "they desperately want a happy ending" "They need to use you" "They need to be trusted"

The ledge of love and hate... of believable and unbelievable... fiction and non-fiction .... are only one step away.... getting warmer.... turn.... getting colder. Close your eyes can you tell which way to turn? Do you know what voice to hear. HEAR ME!! TRUST ME!!! SAFE!!! COME!!! ALL IS WELL!!!

But who has been with me all these years? Whose sweet, gentle loving voice has walked me step by step through healing, life and victory? Who has helped me? Who has listened? Who do I know? Who do I trust?

This way is hard, a road less traveled. You will be misunderstood. You will be challenged. You will be questioned and judged and accused.

Happily Ever After... and so the story goes for the abused....

Trust - broken  - abusing dad stays by my mothers hospital bed - a little something everyone forgot to say...

Come, Come Play Your Role, You are Casted in our Play!
did we forget to mention that... did we mislead.... did we conveniently leave out that tiny detail... trust broken... how... how can you say you don't trust us?

Oh, we didn't think it was a big deal, it is normal for us, we let bygones by bygones. We choose not to remember the past, we aim to live in the present. We move forward... You can trust us?

Don't want to begin re-telling the source of my detaching desire to leave my feelings. That is why I start at numb. Not numb because I am unemotional - not feeling. This is not about you... its is about our dying mother. You can trust us?

Yeah, we know... you haven't seen him in almost ten years... maybe longer... you have stayed away from weddings, new births, funerals, holidays.... but we were suppose to know it mattered... we were suppose to keep him away from you.

I feel deeply. Trust is shattered.... I don't believe them, not a word they say, they don't care about me, they chose who to appease. The abuser or the abused? who will it be?

Friday, April 1, 2011

Being Me! I Like It!

I have found a place to be me... to share it all, unhindered about reputation, not intimidated about people turning on me, using my own words to trap me, control me, hurt me....

Everyone longs for a place in life to be real. So few ever find it. Being naked, being raw, being wrong, being broken, being enough, being accepted, being loved....just as I am... right now, this very minute! Content, at peace, able to take in a long deep breath of cleansing air, and let go all "living up to" expectations.

With God, in the secret place, when you have disciplined yourself to learn to be still, to drop concerns, to know His voice, to know Him - His ocean of love

Thorny interruptions - time to stop!
and then it is all over.... in enters people, talking, wanting, needing... sharing what is important to who ever it is... totally oblivious to interrupting ... rambling, talking, never stopping, wanting to engage in something imaginary, a game....

clicking, tapping, constant noise, click, click, click

talk, talk, talk.... wanting... click click click harder tapping....

I must stop.