I will never be....

I try to be uplifting and positive. I hope for a better me, a better day. I see things differently in my head before they occur than after I actually interact with the world.

Should I try to hang on...............................?

So much... nearly everything that I try ... crumbles, crashes, slips and breaks, explodes, cracks.

What I see is positive, loving, giving, sharing, togetherness.... this is not reality.... and so I am hurt, slashed, hurt, disappointed.... really does anyone care, why do I sit here and share my over-bleeding emotions and heart...

I really think sometimes I do to try to hang on.... to feel like if I will never be able to do anything, at least I can be a witness for some other soul - dark soul - hollow soul - pained soul... to know others are often barely hanging on also. Is that a reason to be? Is that a purpose to breath?

It is so difficult... when you want to experience normalcy.... to be a mom, wife, friend.... nobody famous, nobody special .... just simply a functional person that can make it through a short time in a day... and be productive... functional at the normal state that most people take for granted.

And when I cry, I appear weak. And when I sleep, I appear weak... And when I scream, I appear weak. Weak in disciple, character, growth. I am not who I want to be or who I will ever be.... I... must come to terms that some things, some people in this sinful world really don't get completely better.... I look normal on the outside, but I am not..... and so I silently cry, slowly die... second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month.... WASTED.... a life that would have been better unlived. What is the purpose? .



When you can't interact? When you never succeed... oh, on the outside people may think ... even I sometimes try to convince myself that I will be OK.... that I am going to be functional... that I am going to know normalcy.... but most know it or more accurately most don't even care.... my life doesn't make a difference.... why would God go through the trouble of inserting me into my mother's womb...

you don't understand what it feels like......

Is satan laughing at me? Is he laughing at God all smug.... pointing, look at her, she is yours and she is quite a mess.... ha ha ha ... and the jokes on You because you cover her in grace and claim her to be Yours. You really get some losers. She will never amount to anything... she is dust..... her dreams are breaking... she is withdrawing... she is tired, worn out, barely able to hang on.... she feels like a nothing... a problem, a cancer that people want to cut off and forget they ever crossed paths or knew.... it is so easy to forget her... it is even good to set boundaries around her... so no one else gets hurt.... I love boundaries.... it was one of my best ideas... all smug Christians can pretend they are doing something "good" but cutting people out of their life.... like it is good to remove a cancer from spreading or killing good. Limit her, nod, smile.... and walk away....

so what tipped you over today.... what slammed you up... stopped you in your tracks....

oh, you imagined that others would want to help, be agreeable, see good in your wish or idea.... what you imagine will never become real.... you don't understand, you don't know, you don't function with the rest ....

"I wanted to start to clean up in my house. I thought we could work together. I thought more people each doing their part could be beneficial. I thought we could accomplish something positive together. I thought we could help each other. I thought we could be gratified in accomplishing tasks and goals and making our home a nicer place to live..."

ha ha ha what a fool! you?

why do I always end up back in here? is it my prison? Is this my life sentence? Failure breeds inactivity, inactivity breeds chaos, chaos breeds mess....

you look at those magazines and books and imagine living in a pleasant, cozy, clean home.... when are you ever going to give it up? no thing you want ever turns out. everything is always a zillion times harder than it looks. you will never sustain, never follow through, never complete, never accomplish.....

You spin in one spot, never moving forward... never making progress.... oh, you show some effort... you try..

what a laugh?!?!? why?

It must be part of your disease... part of your damage... part of your mal-fuction.... thinking you could really be better and run an orderly happy home.

The closest you will get to that is what you see in a magazine. Dream, imagine and wake up back in reality. Stop fooling yourself.... stop hurting yourself... expect nothing, hope for nothing, imagine nothing, that way you will stop being a failure... you can succeed at accomplishing nothing...

maybe that is how I can be happy... maybe that is the key to be "functional"... have no goals... have no dreams... have no responsibilities.... expect nothing... aim for nothing.... so when you crash and burn and do nothing you have nothing to cry about...

this almost makes sense to me and I think I could in a very strange way learn to enjoy life that way. If I was no capable of thinking, of dreaming, of hoping, of anything.... would it all be better? I would never know....