I am Tired! (Results after Child Abuse/Trauma/Dissociative)

so tired.... so tired.....

I don't want to live any more.

I am so tired.

I have tried, and tried. Worked so very hard to be better, to be a person, to be functional, to be normal.

Some would say I have ....

I have done so good...

I have made progress...

My life is better...

It is always getting better...

but I know the truth......... I know I will never be OK, I will never be like others, I will never be normal, I will never assimilate, fake it til you make it doesn't really work.

A life of failures.... I feel so sorry for my husband, his family, my children, friends who have crossed my path, people who just will never try or understand.....

Yes, I am mad.... but I am also sorry, and angry, and sleepy, and hurting, and giving up.

What reason do I have to fight?



I love God. I know He is real, I know He is true. I wish everyone could stop playing games, spending money, living it up, partying, foolishly living... ignoring that God is real. He has helped me so much, and because I fail doesn't mean He fails.... there is only so much that can be corrected in one lifetime. We reap what we sow....

I think I can, but find out I can't.

I did my best. I have always tried. I have been so lonely.... struggling through life alone, no one can carry this weight and for some reason I don't really understand God does not magically take it all away and make it all better, and make me a "good, normal, productive, acceptable, usable person".. ......

I am damaged, refuge, trouble.

Toss me on the landfill heap.... drop me in the broken toy box...kick me to the curb....toss me on the bond-fire....

Why do some people get to live to die for Christ, and others die trying to live for Christ?

I guess the ones who live to die for Christ are capable enough to live for Him and people like me are redeemed but should feel lucky enough to live in a "safe" place... a place on the outside that no one beats up anymore... no one torments or tortures.... why is that not enough?

It is enough for me alone.... but when I have a husband, children.... they deserve so much better and more... they don't deserve me... I will never be what they want or deserve... I will always be a loser, an embarrassment, a problem...

But I am not going to let my inabilities get in the way of my husband being able to succeed in life, I wont hold him back anymore, I can't. He deserves a chance to live to his fullest. I want to let him have this chance.

So many times I hoped for someone to be able to come along side me and help me be the mom and wife I knew I wanted to be and for them needed to be........... but no one is able to do this, people are busy, people have their own lives and families and most of all, people like being happy.....

I am a problem person, confusing, unpredictable, unstable, unable....

I know many people love me, they care.... I know some people think I am strong, I have fought the good fight, but I am tired of fighting the good fight.... I can't keep clawing up the snowbank when an avalanche keeps falling on me and covering me up. I am tired of digging myself out of mess. It is my fault, I get into the mess, I think I can but find out I can't. I will never learn..... so I am cut off, misunderstood, tossed away to the trash heap. Not needed. Complicated. A problem..... "pity her family" "say a prayer for her" "stay a safe distance" " she means well"

I am so tired!