Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Happily Ever After... and so the story goes for the abused....

Trust - broken  - abusing dad stays by my mothers hospital bed - a little something everyone forgot to say...

Come, Come Play Your Role, You are Casted in our Play!
did we forget to mention that... did we mislead.... did we conveniently leave out that tiny detail... trust broken... how... how can you say you don't trust us?

Oh, we didn't think it was a big deal, it is normal for us, we let bygones by bygones. We choose not to remember the past, we aim to live in the present. We move forward... You can trust us?

Don't want to begin re-telling the source of my detaching desire to leave my feelings. That is why I start at numb. Not numb because I am unemotional - not feeling. This is not about you... its is about our dying mother. You can trust us?

Yeah, we know... you haven't seen him in almost ten years... maybe longer... you have stayed away from weddings, new births, funerals, holidays.... but we were suppose to know it mattered... we were suppose to keep him away from you.

I feel deeply. Trust is shattered.... I don't believe them, not a word they say, they don't care about me, they chose who to appease. The abuser or the abused? who will it be?



Shattered glass in my soul. Who will ever collect all the chars and melt me back together . I know no one, not one soul but God. Angry! Shaken! Vulnerable! Trapped!

We are only doing what is best for you... we know what you need... we dare not ask you, we don't want to hear or know..... fall in line, take your part, your role is already casted - Kumbaya!

Who can I trust? Walking forward is taking risk, but I am not blind or stupid. I don't feel safe.

I am not who they want me to be. I will not be casted into a role, to play a part, to be their character, to give them their "all is well" Kumbaya moment. No - the circle of completion, "we survived" we are here for each other, in the end it resolved... merrily ever after. We trust each other. We love each other. We are always here for each other.

Come, come, come.... come join us... Where are you? We are waiting for you? It is so healing... so authenticate... so everything you need... come - we beacon you.

WHAT?!?!?

"You will not be here to carry out our love fest, our charade of one big happy family around the hospital bed of our dying mother. We are all here, we love all, we trust all, it is a family reunion... one we have never ever had, but.....

"We left you an empty chair. We imagined you being their with us. We were finally all together.... the past is gone, blended into the serenity of our present joy, our love, our trust... finally we have it - we are as if we always have been a real family."

Just one thing, one missing part, one reminder - why? Why would you not capitulate? Why would you not take your role? Selfish... un-trusting... do you really think we would hurt you...don't you know we love you, you can trust us. Of everyone - anybody - in all the world - we know what you have been through, you should be able to trust us most.

Trust - broken  - abusing dad stays by my mothers hospital bed - a little something everyone forgot to say... until we are 5 minutes away.

I will not go! I will not walk into their web!

I must leave. I need to go back home.... where life is honest, real, embracing the good and the bad, capturing all allow God to filter what he wants for me through His able hands. I am angry, hurt, sad, but at least I feel, and I remain real, no pretending, not Kumbaya, no and it "ended happily ever after" as each drove away into the sunset.

I walk away. I trust YOU! Here I go, I will walk with you... I will never be alone. Hold my heart, hold my hand, walk with me away.


2 comments:

  1. Lindy, I love you friend and I'm praying for you.
    Shonda

    ReplyDelete

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