Monday, April 18, 2011

Angry, So Angry - but at Who?

I yelled. I screamed, "Screw U!" I was so angry..... but I didn't realize until later at who.

Anger Rages upon My Soul
Angry - I was in such a position, angry - no one put my fragile soul safe, angry - I felt trapped, angry - I came so far to be cut off, angry - I couldn't trust others...especially those in life the very people you are suppose to trust... those in life that most often are sitting in the front row of one's funeral, that have your back, that forgive, forget and protect. Anger boiled in me, burnt my soul, made me cry in deep agonizing tones howling like a wolf in the darkest night or a battle horn blown by a solider shot, wounded blood mixed with dirt crusted on what was once an optimistic uniform.

Anger seethed for those who hurt me, and I became unbalanced..rolling from one event to the next...never quite finding the "be still" place in life, because stillness brought more uncertainty and PAIN... a wall of falling rocks on my path, I am dangerous to anyone who walks close or even simply around to pass. No one is safe, the least safe is that precious girl, the life within me.

What to do? I am all bound up, formed into a rolling ball, like a large marble aimlessly moving toward any direction my life is tipped...

I need to be grounded, I heard, as I rolled around bumping into corners and sides in place keeping me from falling off, falling away, from getting lost, losing my way on the stage of reality.

Then God lifted his hand and reached for me to plan me within the ground. As my feet came close touching the ground, I resisted. Grasshopper legs, like stiff twigs that would not be planted... bending at the knee and kicking up, one after the other.... never, no, I will not be pushed in. I am mad, and so I look for a way out. Darting across the land out of His mighty hand I find a peaceful lake... maybe smaller like a pond... a natural pool of water, and there I float.

Somewhat peaceful, safe. I don't need any hands on me. I want to be alone, no help! Just let me be, let me float... it is softer, gentler than a rushing ball pulled around by the gravity of the circumstances. But a hand reaches toward me. I no longer feel safe. He wants to help me float, to place His mighty hand underneath my body to ensure I don't sink... to be guided ever so docile in His direction... the way He chooses me to go.

I look away, quickly. Springing into movement, I run up the grassy bank, grabbing on long tall wild grasses, twigs, pulling myself up on bunches of stiff, dry vegetation. Anything I find will do ... I just must move fast, to get away, beyond His reach. I march myself past this rugged terrain and see the top - a ledge, small but flat, grey stone. I am so high up, so protected away from those who might harm me, pull me, know what they perceived best for me.

I must make my own choices. I will not let others decide for me. I feel somewhat safe, further away, out of their reach..but not alone.

A kind bird sits next to me, not any bird but a large animal.  I know who He is - the Holy Spirit. He comes close, but I sense deep within that I am safe. He will not force me, overpower my will, I know He will sit -ever so still and simply wait. I am comforted by His presence, His protective commanding safety exudes Him - it is Who He is. I feel safe, calm, trusting. He spreads His muscular wingspan before me. I know I am safe with Him, and I continue to be reassured as I climb onto His broad muscular back covered in the softness of wings, firm and welcoming like feathers in a nest. And He takes flight... majestically we lift off the cliff and float... my God and I.

Swooning through air. In flight there is no harm. Clear, out of the Father's grasp... the tears began to pour. It finally dawns on me. "I Am Angry with God."

How could He expect me to go back there? To take a step of faith when I had been knocked down, even cut off at my knees to crumble in agony and emotional tirades of suffering to the core. Is there anything left? And still, I trust Him who came to comfort me, to counsel me, to lift me high enough to gain a different perspective... it is revealed to my core, I am angry with Him, with the God of all people. Trust, faith, security. I gave it all, surrendered, for what?

The majestic bird glides me toward a familiar tender sight. Three cross on a hill, a high spot called Golgotha - the skull.  And from this bird's eye view I recall the love of God. "He loved you that much. He took the bullet for you. He was wounded, beat, transfigured. He moaned, called out in pain. He became pain, suffered. See His outstretched arms, see His bloody wound pierced for me. "I love you that much," I hear My Father say. Jesus wraps his arms. He braces me from behind and as he does I am seated on the lap of Father God, lifted up, positioned where I can be so close to Him. My head rests upon His chest snuggled, comforted, as I push deeper into His protection.

I know, "I am Loved!"

This I know. And there I rest, absorbing all I can, knowing in His embrace, by His side, on His lap, I can know His love for me. When all else crumbled, fails, let me go... I am abandoned to Him, trusting, knowing He does what is best for me. Only a child knows the protection of this place, of hope restored, of gladness filled, of thanksgiving, usefulness. He takes away my pain and replaces it with the presence of His glory.

I may tumble, resist,  or become tired, still, to Him, I will always be worth it! I am My Father's Daughter!

 He knows me like no other, and my life security is in knowing Him., experiencing His love. I remember. He will not hurt me. He never has. Thank you God for being so patient with me, for being willing to let me cry, to express my anger and hurt, to work through the emotions, to see my rotten core, and to be forgiven. I will rest in the shadow of your wing, I place myself into your protection. I know this place of safety.

And the music drifts, the underlying notes, the thread that connects withing my brain. I can smile with reassurance, I am His, and reminded, "He doesn't make trash." I am a necessary, uniquely-designed person, and He loves me for who I am, not what I do.  From this "rock" I will build my faith, He states, there is no other solid rock. I am grounded in my faith, I know, I know HIM!

Do you know Your Father?

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