Thursday, March 21, 2013

Not Feeling Myself - Who Am I?

Being a survivor of child abuse doesn't seem to ever end in "she lived happily ever after again." I have made so much progress, but on days that I dip - frankly, I hate it: disassociation.

The past few days I have felt like I was in my body but another person was controlling me - Miss. Edgy Depresso! I tried to hide in my bedroom because I didn't want to snap at anyone. I knew I was plunging; a few days ago I had my girlfriend pray for me. I know when things are not right; I feel it all over my body: heart races or pounds, blood vessels bulge in my hands, my arms feel like someone has punched them, and I am irritable.

Yet, the worst symptom is feeling trapped inside my body and the mood--unable to snap out of it. All I can do is keep "bubble wrap" around me and try to lower any pressure or stimulus so I wont pop.

I pass mirrors and see such a sad face; a shell; a flat affect - zombie lady.

Where did I go?

If this never happens to you, feel blessed and simply try to place yourself in my shoes. When the sensation - the heavy controlling presences ceases - I know I have fully returned. Where did I go? I keep asking myself. I wish I had the answers.

I noticed a bruise on my right arm - I don't remember hitting anything. It must have happen while I was in the mental fog.

I am sorry for how I cause negative influence in the life of my family however I don't rag myself because it is not like I chose to behave a certain way.

Maybe someone can relate. Hopefully I can help another person hang in there! Life goes in ebbs and flows. In many ways we are along for the journey. We can only control so much - for what we can we are responsible - for what we can't the way we respond is our responsibility.

I am grateful to be back again. Hoping for a good day tomorrow, even if I do have to hand wash the dishes (our dishwasher broke a few days ago.) :D


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