Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

I started this website for those "Shattered Glass" moments in the life of people who are really seeking to recover from abuse and trauma. Abuse is very ugly...frankly horrid, disgusting, and often filled with terror. Healing from abuse and trauma is also very ugly. Healing is very messy, painful, and can be deathly serious. In the healing process, I felt strongly lead by God to be real and to use writing to express the emotions inside my wounded heart. God give different outlets and directions to each person, some people sing, draw, create sculpture, woodwork or take a run. Over the past month I have come to the finishing point of my healing, which I would not have believed possible 2 weeks ago. It always hoped to be finished the healing process, but I resigned that I would be always healing. As a Christian believer, I understand that I will  never stop growing and will always be developing personally becoming sanctified and more like Christ. So what do I do with ...

Last night I experienced one of the horrific trapped dreams in my life. I have been sleeping for nine hours. I tried several times to awaken but found that I couldn't - I tried to speak, get my body to move, to sing... I was in a trance that was not by my doing and not mine to control. Somehow I retained enough sense, maybe the Holy Spirit was speaking to me, but in the midst of being caught in this dream ... I remembered that I had committed to fast on Fridays to break any spiritual bonds left in my life so that I could experience the abundant freedom God desires. I fasted last Friday and this past week has been awesome!!! Relationships have blossomed within my home. I am walking on a deeper level with both my teen boys. Doors have opened. I have been at the right place at the right time to have "life" spiritual impact in others life. God has worked through me to speak to people who need to hear a life-giving word. Why do I feel corny stating that we absolutely...

I haven't posted a vlog in a while because I wanted to show what a Shattered Glass Life of someone who was healing from childhood abuse and trauma authentically looked and felt like. However, I really think this give balance to this site for readers/followers to know that even if you are not bi-polar (manic depressive) you can have sways of really good days when you feel like nothing is wrong. This is so stark in comparison to the days when you can't shake the despair, dread, hopelessness. It is not something you can just wish to stop or pray for God to lift and it mysterious goes away. Now I will state that God is unlimited and can make the "episode" go away. At the same time we must balance the fact that He is not a genie in the sky granting our every wish. He sees at a further distance and a deeper depth what would be good for us, what will be useful to transform us into the image of Christ. So we must learn to praise Him is the storm just as we naturally are inc...

I feel like a screaming yell cutting people up freak - the only person who came to mind was Edward Scissorhand, not that I am at all like him in his artistic delight or compassion for others....no I am a vile, cursing, bitter, yelling wild women that happens to have quickly moving scissors poking out of every part of my body and mind. I just finished doing a video to upload but once again as everything else that is going on in my life today it FAILED! Thanks YouCam...where can I get a program that will work? After calling my husband and telling him the sky and every else if falling down...oh, boy the way, I hope you can have a nice lunch.... I am so frustrated and tired. No matter what I do it doesn't work and in most if not all I am seen by  my lovely teens as the problem to all things.... Where do I start, where do I end? Does it really matter...the details are meaningless, and so  are the yelling words because they never change behavior ..... there is a gloom cove...

I broke apart yesterday and cut the people I love with the sharp edge of my words and attitude. No halo floating over my head. I knew things were heading for a rough day and my dear husband bounced out of bed and started listing all the things he wanted to tackle. Things we needed to take care of together. It is not like I can expect him to have a PhD in psychology. How would he know that he was throwing me over the edge if I didn't even know? Yesterday was the beginning of the month, and the end of my vignette (name for rented booth space) at the little antique store off our downtown square. Another failed adventure. Something I felt God wanted Me to do for I some holy reason that I never quite figured out. My husband thinks it was all a plot to become a hoarder and spend money on crap I didn't. need and nobody else wanted or needed. When I get an idea in my head, I think about all the creative things I could do. I had some really great ideas...the only problem is it is a B...

This hurt a lot! I was talking to one of my children expressing what I that I had some success in finding someone to help me pursue litigation against people/ organizations that turned a blind eye to the torturous abuse occurring in my family. I told so many people, especially leadership in schools and Department of Human Services, and no one did ANYTHING to help me or anyone in my family. My child said, "I Don't Give A Crap!" It hit me like a sword being shoved into my heart.  And worst, the little tape started playing....no one gives a crap, no one cares what happen to you, no one gives a crap, no one has helped you ever, you see, no one give a CRAP about you or anything that happen to you. The pain stung and took time for me let those words go even after my child apologized.  Books - they help me enter other worlds - think about other thoughts - hear other words....for 2 hours I sat on the floor of a Goodwill reading books that people have discarded - toss...

I decided to make a video journals most days as I progress through attunement brain therapy by my Psychologist. While I don't meet with my therapist but once a week, the therapy continues each day I live. I love to write, but video (vlogging) is a popular means of communicating today, so I am going to use it within my blog. Everyday I am capable, I will make a video. My purpose is hopefully encourage people who are hurting from trauma due to child abuse and also to help anyone who know someone that needs to recover from mental illness caused by child abuse. I am a Christian first. Why is this important to say upfront? Well, I want you to understand that I am not using this site to preach or convert people. I do want to be genuine. Since I live in a life with a God-centered worldview, I think it is important to say this clearly. Anyone, Christian or not, can benefit from my attunement therapy because it is not a religious experience. It is done by qualified professional counselors....

I look out my bedroom window...past the white painted rocking chair (that was not painted until it started to mold so no matter how clean I try to get it - it still is dirty looking and my mother-in-law always brought a towel to clean it off or sit on when she was still alive and here for her visit 2-3 times a year)....funny what goes through our mind....that has been 5 years if not 10 and every single time I see the rocking chairs - this is what I think. Focus! I look out of my bedroom window, and past the top rung on the white painted rocking chair, and I see joy..... Daffodils dancing in the early spring wind. They make me smile, which is something I really needed at this moment, because I have not been feeling much interested in life, living, breathing, doing, being. I am thankful for the gentle breeze that makes these delicate cheery flowers wiggle on their long slender green legs. A mental break from the cloud the held me away from connection and joy. I may not be closely linked ...

SWAT! ow, ow, ouch - that hurts.... words slap into me I cheer, I smile, I express my emotions. SWAT! why? slapped again... stares, eyes roll, silent words of "she's weird"...."cuckoo"....it hurts deep inside. I gleefully make a comment, fully engaged, enjoying the moment in life. SWAT! SWAT! their eyes slash through me....hurtful, hideous eyes What is wrong? Why can't I just be me? I might be different, can't help it, it is who I am. I am different. Why can't people be kind and accept me? The pain runs over....the gruntle-scream roars out of the deepest ravines of my being....and I cry, I cry, I cry for years of pain....and I cry, I cry, feeling quite insane...and I cry, I cry, accepting who I am, and I cry, I cry, remembering my grandmothers that were the same..... Did anyone hear them when they cried out in pain? When the electrodes were attached to their bodies and the jolt roared through their bones....did they cover up their screams....was an...

I have been through a hellacious week or more - Longing to stabilize - I sit at a sandwich shop when I should be home making dinner for my family. The sweet tea is so comforting, along with the cheddar broccoli soup. Everyone needs a breather. This is mine as I sit with my legs propped up on the chair across the table. Oh, getting some weight off my mind. Phone calls, television, emails, cat food, cluttered sinks.... is this called a break? Click, click, click ----drum, drum, drum, ---- TV volume up, up, up.....the coil is twisting..."click, click, click," says the pen in my son's hand. "boom, boom, boom," says the drum kit in my son's room. "blare, blare, blare," says the TV since it can't hear over the drum. Tip...tip...push her just a little more...that's it...she twisted tighter... WHO IS LEADING THE ORCHESTRA? Blow! Scream! Help! AUUUGH! Calm it down, calm it down, deep breath, easy does it... Can you tell I am having a better day? T...

Pulling, stretching on all sides. Needs are great, resources small. Expectations, commitments, responsibilities drag and press to be satisfied. Arms are aching tired of pressure. Thoughts are lazy, darting about. Observed. Judged. No one sees the fight inside. Outward glances, misunderstandings. I have too much to do. I am needed in so many places by so many people. I made commitments when I was functioning, feeling normal. Now in a hollow lonely recess, I peer out wondering who do I please. I can't do it all. Who do I disappoint? So many needs, wants, wishes, desires by those I love and should be serving....never can I be everything everybody wants and needs. No matter what I do I fail. Please Me, Please Me - I hear a calling. How and what - prioritize - how? Too many commitments, not enough time. Emotional crashes bring to this point. I can't function if I am not there. I go away when I hurt others and fail others, I don't want to be a source of pain. Love, joy, peace, en...

Feeling smaller, drawing in, do not touch me, wishing I was gone away. Why do we have to keep living? Causing hurt, slashing others, it wont stop if I still breathe. Wanting joy, but feeling sorry. Wanting love, but giving pain. Why must I keep on living? What good purpose could there be? I love, I hurt. I love, I harm. I love, I cry. Disappointed in my role. Being who I never wanted. Numbing, hurting, drawing tighter. Shrinking inward, hurt no others. Still I breath........ Disassociated. My arms hurt, heavy - stiff - solid. Where is beauty? Did she hide and go away? Birthed and stolen, lost or missing. Where is beauty? Was she dangerous or powerful? Could she grow or help? Who took her away? Moving closer to the edge, no one touch me. Let me rest. So angry. So mean. So fickle. Wrapped in prickly metal wire, keeping others at bay, keeping me trapped inside. Feeling worthless. I want to stop - I want to stop hurting those who try to love me. Is Duct tape the answer? What about a mummy ...

So, this is what life is suppose to be like. Is it good for you? Is it as disappointing as my life. How many times have you wished you would die? Too many to count. I have no real solid answers, no one to help, no one to listen to me that I need help, no medication that will control my outrages. No, I am permanently screwed. One day, I will be able to break free from this cage called life, living in torturous pregatory - now way to be released, no way to be normal, now way to not hurt, disappoint and destroy slash by slash my children and husband. Oh, God, how can this be just. What pleasure and glory could you receive from allowing me to live and birth forward three precious children only to watch me destroy them stab by stab, slash by slash, beating them down into worthless, insecure teens seek freedom and to be anything but like me. I release them, tell the to run, to never look back, to go forward discovering their future and hope accepting that it probably be best that it is apar...