Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

Being a survivor of child abuse doesn't seem to ever end in "she lived happily ever after again." I have made so much progress, but on days that I dip - frankly, I hate it: disassociation. The past few days I have felt like I was in my body but another person was controlling me - Miss. Edgy Depresso! I tried to hide in my bedroom because I didn't want to snap at anyone. I knew I was plunging; a few days ago I had my girlfriend pray for me. I know when things are not right; I feel it all over my body: heart races or pounds, blood vessels bulge in my hands, my arms feel like someone has punched them, and I am irritable. Yet, the worst symptom is feeling trapped inside my body and the mood--unable to snap out of it. All I can do is keep "bubble wrap" around me and try to lower any pressure or stimulus so I wont pop. I pass mirrors and see such a sad face; a shell; a flat affect - zombie lady. Where did I go? If this never happens to you, feel ble...

His Blood For Me Bleed the pain... it pours like a heavy rain. And it cuts, feel the pain, it's so sharp. It's the raw edge of pain.When will it end? When will it run dry? Bleed No More..... when will I bleed no more. I know fear, and Fear knows me. I know death, he stares at me. He wanted to take my life, just a child, once upon a time an innocent me... once was... one time... I think, the word "child" was suppose to be, a description of me. No More! It's a lie, it's a lie, it's a lie. I can't die for myself. Stop the cutting, it will never really stop the pain. Each slash is another bar holding my soul in a prison within... going deeper... ever deeper, lost within. The glassy stare, the stone cold face, the numbing way she floats through space. Just a shell of who she could be.  It will never satisfy the gulf - the hollow lifeless agony.  How many others had it stolen away, like me, ripped in anger, punched away? Now be silent, ...

Not Sure Why or How I feel when my insides rattle... My insides shake beneath my skin, especially in my arms. Something rattles out of balance, moving sporadically through me, like a washer spinning wildly because the load inside needs an adjustment. With very choppy comments, I clip too close at people and their words. Back off! Stop! "Can't others see I am not normal right now? Don't they know I need space and an extra dose of grace?" I question. Maybe it is truth - that people don't look out for the needs of others ... they are looking too closely at what they want. What about me? Do I? I try. I didn't always know how... it is a skill. A lesson that must be learned: how to take your eyes off of your wants and needs to consider what is happening inside of another person. -------------- Don't you see her shake? I do. My friends leg moves so rapidly like a bobbin bouncing loosely as the thread swirls it up and down, round and round. I...

so tired.... so tired..... I don't want to live any more. I am so tired. I have tried, and tried. Worked so very hard to be better, to be a person, to be functional, to be normal. Some would say I have .... I have done so good... I have made progress... My life is better... It is always getting better... but I know the truth......... I know I will never be OK, I will never be like others, I will never be normal, I will never assimilate, fake it til you make it doesn't really work. A life of failures.... I feel so sorry for my husband, his family, my children, friends who have crossed my path, people who just will never try or understand..... Yes, I am mad.... but I am also sorry, and angry, and sleepy, and hurting, and giving up. What reason do I have to fight?

Where are you looking? I am so sleepy. I am so sad - sorrow runs like a raid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way. Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP. So close, yet so far away. You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have... We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic! You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze. If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left along. BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality...

I am so sleepy. I am so sad - sorrow runs like a rapid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way. Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP. So close, yet so far away. You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have... We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic! You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze. If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left alone. BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality" "they desperatel...

Do you ever wonder if you are a freak? I said, "wonder" not "worry." Why would I worry if I was a freak? Worrying can not do anything about it.... but wonder... that is another thing all together. What is a freak anyway? Odd, not natural, not normal, strange, more than strange, unstable, unsocial, weird.... different! Yep.... freak.... like a creep. I wish I was "good" that is not in value or worth but in reliable, always ready, able and there. I wonder if it will come back and slam it in my face for being so vulnerable.... for showing the side of myself that so many people try to hide or pretend that it doesn't exist..... or, is it really just me? Are other people normal all the time? Do they crack? Do they break down? Do they mess up, blow it, tumble? Some people are solid, dependable, strong, tough, made of steel.... at least it is what we see... do they ever cry themselves to sleep at night? or bang their head on a wall? Do they look ...

My head is spinning. I feel like a ball, bouncing around, bumping into wall of my thoughts, closing in on me. I do not feel I am who I really am. I feel closed up inside. Maybe another is stepping forward. Maybe more than another. Sometimes my mind seems to blow a circuit. Emotional Malfunction. I pause and suck in my upper lip... not sure why... maybe it is to still my thoughts, to order the flow going from my rattled brain into the electro-impulses in my finger tips. I am scared. I am seeing patterns, signs, behaviors... that frighten me. Something is spilling over into my core, taking over. Is it all in my mind? Can a person separate their soul into compartments maintaining control over each.... A soul/heart of a person is the mind, will and emotions.... Can I emote apart from my mind and will? Can I will without my mind and emotions? Can I think separately from my will and emotions? Do they work together as one? And if a soul is splintered, what part ...

Every time I try to be a mother... I try to guide, direct, lead... I am treated terrible. I don't know why you God made me a mother. I am not at all cut out for this. I have tried. I have failed. Nothing I do is right. I am ignored, disrespected, despised. Why am I here? I am certain someone else could have been a much better mother for my children. This is not a pity party statement - it is a statement of truth! A rare fool could have done a worse job then me .... and they probably would have been appreciated. I don't handle rejection well. Does anybody? It appears that other children listen and respect their parents. Is this true? Are is a just a charade everyone is playing? Is the Emperor Really Wearing no clothes in every home, and families just pretend they are real.... or Do real functioning families exists? I do not want to talk about it anymore. I am sick... I was going to say I was sick of it, but in reality I am probably really just sick..... I am one flew...

I haven't posted a vlog in a while because I wanted to show what a Shattered Glass Life of someone who was healing from childhood abuse and trauma authentically looked and felt like. However, I really think this give balance to this site for readers/followers to know that even if you are not bi-polar (manic depressive) you can have sways of really good days when you feel like nothing is wrong. This is so stark in comparison to the days when you can't shake the despair, dread, hopelessness. It is not something you can just wish to stop or pray for God to lift and it mysterious goes away. Now I will state that God is unlimited and can make the "episode" go away. At the same time we must balance the fact that He is not a genie in the sky granting our every wish. He sees at a further distance and a deeper depth what would be good for us, what will be useful to transform us into the image of Christ. So we must learn to praise Him is the storm just as we naturally are inc...

I decided to make a video journals most days as I progress through attunement brain therapy by my Psychologist. While I don't meet with my therapist but once a week, the therapy continues each day I live. I love to write, but video (vlogging) is a popular means of communicating today, so I am going to use it within my blog. Everyday I am capable, I will make a video. My purpose is hopefully encourage people who are hurting from trauma due to child abuse and also to help anyone who know someone that needs to recover from mental illness caused by child abuse. I am a Christian first. Why is this important to say upfront? Well, I want you to understand that I am not using this site to preach or convert people. I do want to be genuine. Since I live in a life with a God-centered worldview, I think it is important to say this clearly. Anyone, Christian or not, can benefit from my attunement therapy because it is not a religious experience. It is done by qualified professional counselors....