Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

SWAT! ow, ow, ouch - that hurts.... words slap into me I cheer, I smile, I express my emotions. SWAT! why? slapped again... stares, eyes roll, silent words of "she's weird"...."cuckoo"....it hurts deep inside. I gleefully make a comment, fully engaged, enjoying the moment in life. SWAT! SWAT! their eyes slash through me....hurtful, hideous eyes What is wrong? Why can't I just be me? I might be different, can't help it, it is who I am. I am different. Why can't people be kind and accept me? The pain runs over....the gruntle-scream roars out of the deepest ravines of my being....and I cry, I cry, I cry for years of pain....and I cry, I cry, feeling quite insane...and I cry, I cry, accepting who I am, and I cry, I cry, remembering my grandmothers that were the same..... Did anyone hear them when they cried out in pain? When the electrodes were attached to their bodies and the jolt roared through their bones....did they cover up their screams....was an...

I have been through a hellacious week or more - Longing to stabilize - I sit at a sandwich shop when I should be home making dinner for my family. The sweet tea is so comforting, along with the cheddar broccoli soup. Everyone needs a breather. This is mine as I sit with my legs propped up on the chair across the table. Oh, getting some weight off my mind. Phone calls, television, emails, cat food, cluttered sinks.... is this called a break? Click, click, click ----drum, drum, drum, ---- TV volume up, up, up.....the coil is twisting..."click, click, click," says the pen in my son's hand. "boom, boom, boom," says the drum kit in my son's room. "blare, blare, blare," says the TV since it can't hear over the drum. Tip...tip...push her just a little more...that's it...she twisted tighter... WHO IS LEADING THE ORCHESTRA? Blow! Scream! Help! AUUUGH! Calm it down, calm it down, deep breath, easy does it... Can you tell I am having a better day? T...

Pulling, stretching on all sides. Needs are great, resources small. Expectations, commitments, responsibilities drag and press to be satisfied. Arms are aching tired of pressure. Thoughts are lazy, darting about. Observed. Judged. No one sees the fight inside. Outward glances, misunderstandings. I have too much to do. I am needed in so many places by so many people. I made commitments when I was functioning, feeling normal. Now in a hollow lonely recess, I peer out wondering who do I please. I can't do it all. Who do I disappoint? So many needs, wants, wishes, desires by those I love and should be serving....never can I be everything everybody wants and needs. No matter what I do I fail. Please Me, Please Me - I hear a calling. How and what - prioritize - how? Too many commitments, not enough time. Emotional crashes bring to this point. I can't function if I am not there. I go away when I hurt others and fail others, I don't want to be a source of pain. Love, joy, peace, en...