Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

These words-this poem- came today because it has been a hard day, frustrating. A day when I keep blundering and still I never give up. All I know is to step in the presence of God and allow Him to fill me up every time I am bumped into and spilt over. An exercise in humility and grace. Type, Delete, Repeat Is the rhythm of my day. Gutting all I need, Makes me have to stay. Floodgates opening, Wear the dam away. Missing all I need, Help me Lord to pray. Million Chances- False start tries Feel the glances. Adrenaline slides. Go, Slushing, Relief Is the volume in my mind. Fighting to believe Keeps me close in time. Exhaust, Repenting Do you still see me? Taking all I need, From Your hand receive. Millions Chances- Lost in Gambles Move, E-vances Humbled pile of clay. Off the ledge I fall Into Your embrace. Trusting all I need, Supply me Thy GRACE! And I type, delete, repeat, Every step I take, Still I'm forwarding, Forwarding, I Sent Me. ...

Motherhood is a blessing - a gift from God, but it is also a very difficult job - particularly for woman who are adult survivors of child abuse. Great thoughts don't always become great reality. Often what I see in my head as being something sweet, meaningful and appropriate crumbs into a struggle, hurt feelings, offenses and never-gonna-happens. I can not tell you how many times this scenario has repeated that past 20 years. It still never gets easy to be part of this two-step dance that is more like a tug-of-wills. A heart slashing - never what it was intended to be - occurs. This poem was birthed out of such a time as this. Phone is ringing in my ears, My heart pounds, message clear. Why are people not listening, To the words - what they mean. I try talking to my child, It'll be good, I decide. But it blows up in my face Homemade cocktail Burns the place. I only longed to talk it out, Think about, what was said, I listened to the voice I heard Sympa...

Not every time can we know what some needs, We think it is just another normal day,  It may be for us, but not for another, So we tread on, as any other would, Seeing no need for extra sensitivity For people that surround us commonly In a happy home the memories and the sounds We can't see the shades shifting into grays Because to us they still seem like blues, How simple a task it is to ask for  Permission to unfold our music on hold But what gift we can give to the other side If only we could see how our activity  Lived out in the mind and soul as another comes unglued. Didn't mean to beat her, didn't mean to kick her with my shoe, Throwing water into her face, I truly tripped into the space. Don't you worry child, she was there for you, Don't you worry child, It isn't what you do, Clear tear drips in place, doesn't even come from grace, She wanted so much more but couldn't hold it together She hea...

Twirling gyro taught us to be still. Jumping lady strikes us in her snare. Pin-cushioned targets --very small Hyper-hearing timbre in the air. Mallet beaten formed in shiny chrome, Bruises shape her-- lost in human zeal. Ignored before, now more, crushing her heart. Clinging to the promise, I will kneel. Bobbing thimble, wounding wound it goes, Threaded needle wearing 'til it split. How thick the tan bleed and stained, That bared each lick and built her grit! Linen, cotton, lacy ruffle, see the frill. Leather, rivet, painful strikes the metal.  Filled with fiber, darned the broken hole. Smell the fragrance of the crushed the petal. Stitches form seams, rippers expose. Every error transposed what was done, Gluing hides the unseemly dark profile. Giving up life, before she had begun. Her rose lips meet with a toxic grail. The foam so subtle, so smooth, simply flows. Ingested-- clinks the cast foot pedal, Running ove...

High-speed velocity zigzag trackin' -- Tripping over every thought and sensation, Not high, not low, running, ribbing, non-stop go. Help me not crash, or detonate - I need to isolate. Input maxed, output floods - unplugged but full of juice. The source can't be turned off; the value is unknown. Seek the Maker. Who damaged His perfect plans? In an instant He can solve, thou He wills to let alone. Limiting contact prevents potential flares Pyromanic left too many ignitable tissues Flammable matters not contained in an atom Cells hold eighteen-plus revolving issues. Desensitize charges ground into earth. Pressurized molecules search for their balance. Slinging atoms splitting into to nanos. Science pines the mysterious challenge. Would they profess the same value or import, On the splitting minds of human beings? To help a soul recover from child abuse, To Wear flip-flops and go a mile sightseeing. Cherished theories chased for accolade, Are no co...

I hurts so much. When I try, when I reach out, when I am needing help, when I try to talk, when I ask, Why Do You Push Me, and laugh? It is not funny to me. It hurts. I know I am not always stable, not always right in the head. It is not by choice. You say I don't handle stress, but you don't do anything to alleviate my stress. You act like you have the answers, like you understand what is happening, like you have adjusted, like you are normal, like you care. You even say at times, "I love you." And that is nice to hear, because I believe. But when I call you, when I talk to you, when I am seeking help or need a change or to get on track or to move one step away from the edge or to make progress or to make life better... You PUSH me.. . you rattle on with jokes and laughter, it's a game, you twist my words and laugh. You make up riddles, jokes and play on words. You wont get serious; you don't take me seriously. Around, and around, and around ...

Is this your life? When you are shattered in life, like a crystal vase that has crashed on a hard tile floor, you are splintered into little parts - some sharp as a cutting edge, others blunt and a few chunks that just wouldn't break any smaller. We go about life trying to "be normal" if we can... to fit in, to not draw attention, to not be 'a problem', to wishfully be swept away... But very rarely do the broken pieces in life ever come together... Why? With so many hurting people, so many who have been taken advantage of, who have been abused or used... why do so few find healing. I think it might have to do with what we are willing to endure, what cost we deem too much to pay... and how much we love. Cost and love - an odd duo. Love can't be bought, but it costs more than most of any love newbie would imagine. Sacrifice, selflessness, delayed satisfaction and so many similar lessons must be mastered in transforming ... in becoming capable of lov...

Not Sure Why or How I feel when my insides rattle... My insides shake beneath my skin, especially in my arms. Something rattles out of balance, moving sporadically through me, like a washer spinning wildly because the load inside needs an adjustment. With very choppy comments, I clip too close at people and their words. Back off! Stop! "Can't others see I am not normal right now? Don't they know I need space and an extra dose of grace?" I question. Maybe it is truth - that people don't look out for the needs of others ... they are looking too closely at what they want. What about me? Do I? I try. I didn't always know how... it is a skill. A lesson that must be learned: how to take your eyes off of your wants and needs to consider what is happening inside of another person. -------------- Don't you see her shake? I do. My friends leg moves so rapidly like a bobbin bouncing loosely as the thread swirls it up and down, round and round. I...