Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

Have you ever felt like you don't fit? Nobody likes me. Why was I not included? How long did it take you to figure out that you are different? The calls never came. You didn't get invited. They went without you. You just happen upon a notice.... and you didn't even know .... you offered to help, but no one called you back.... you wanted to minister, but you are avoided....you asked to give a testimony, but your offer was declined... Not now. No time. We will call. I'll get in touch. Thanks, bye... (silence.... permanent silence) What is wrong with me? I am a reject. People act all loving... they pretend to like me... they say I am nice, but really, I know I am not their friend. When they get together with friends ... to go do something fun... to share a special occasion... to visit, to enjoy, to talk, to hang, to know...... I am not invited. Sound like a whiner.... who cares? But the problem is.... am I different.... no that is not it?  Is there someth...

Another one.... another lost day.... they add up so much... so many lost days. Running on the inside, hurting on the outside. Words, oh so many words.... healing, clinging, cutting through, knowing, telling me what to do. And do I do it, or must I wait? And who can do it, or must I stay? Running on the outside, hurting on the inside. No one will see.... how they hurt me... No one will know.... pass by so slow. And does it really matter? Can it make sense? Is it so important? Looking through a lens..... Running for a living, hurting cause I'm dying. no hope, no flight, no chance, no life..... crystal spinning..... little eye lids close.... Is there any hope? Will it really help? Who will reach her know? No one seems to know? And does it really matter? Does anybody care? A blimp in the universe, with who will she share..... Can you hear it, getting louder, bellow screaming, shouting sounder? I can't hear a word. I can't see a sound. How can it be? I d...

Every time I try to be a mother... I try to guide, direct, lead... I am treated terrible. I don't know why you God made me a mother. I am not at all cut out for this. I have tried. I have failed. Nothing I do is right. I am ignored, disrespected, despised. Why am I here? I am certain someone else could have been a much better mother for my children. This is not a pity party statement - it is a statement of truth! A rare fool could have done a worse job then me .... and they probably would have been appreciated. I don't handle rejection well. Does anybody? It appears that other children listen and respect their parents. Is this true? Are is a just a charade everyone is playing? Is the Emperor Really Wearing no clothes in every home, and families just pretend they are real.... or Do real functioning families exists? I do not want to talk about it anymore. I am sick... I was going to say I was sick of it, but in reality I am probably really just sick..... I am one flew...

This hurt a lot! I was talking to one of my children expressing what I that I had some success in finding someone to help me pursue litigation against people/ organizations that turned a blind eye to the torturous abuse occurring in my family. I told so many people, especially leadership in schools and Department of Human Services, and no one did ANYTHING to help me or anyone in my family. My child said, "I Don't Give A Crap!" It hit me like a sword being shoved into my heart.  And worst, the little tape started playing....no one gives a crap, no one cares what happen to you, no one gives a crap, no one has helped you ever, you see, no one give a CRAP about you or anything that happen to you. The pain stung and took time for me let those words go even after my child apologized.  Books - they help me enter other worlds - think about other thoughts - hear other words....for 2 hours I sat on the floor of a Goodwill reading books that people have discarded - toss...