Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

I feel the tears upon my face, I know what I am feeling is real, in reality. The tears--they comfort me--I am human, I cry. Jesus came to earth as a man; He was human; He cried. Tears Rolling on one's face (tears are falling by sternenkindi on DeviantART) At times when I feel like the world is closing in, like I am not connecting or misconnecting with everyone, especially those dearest to me, little things like tears helps me to know that I am alive. When I see one reality and the world seems to see another; when I feel one reality and others feel another, I began to think maybe something is wrong with me. Why do I sense, feel and see what others do not? Why I am sensitive? So I ask to pray, offer to pray, want to pray with others, but I am told to pray alone. My prayers are not wanted. This hurts. I feel unloved, unwanted, rejected, misunderstood. It is like handing someone a gift and having it shoved back. I love prayers and being prayed for by others. I consid...

The preacher says we are all the body of Christ...that each member is necessary, a part that functions in unison with all others, but God, in this life--in our time spent on earth--in present day local churches, this is not really true. It sounds good, repeated over and over, because the Bible says so and therefore we all should. But churches seek the best, the ones that fit their mold, the ones who meet their mission, the one that helps their goal. They keep track of numbers, saving all the souls, running them through baptism, collecting them in the fold. But those of us with broken parts, not shiny like the rest, we hear what no one else hears, we feel words with our soul, we sense when something isn't right, therefore we get left out in the cold. Who wants to work with such a pain, she is trouble where she goes, she stirs the pot and sifts for truth, she sees the thorns and not the rose. Why can't she just be silent, "if you don't like...

I am hurt. I am angered. I take Psychiatric Medication. I don't take it because I WANT to take it. I take it because it is the one thing in the world that I have found to stabilize my body and mental functions. People whose body functions normally can shrug off or reject this medication as simply 'all in the mind' and not really necessary. (Sure you can because it doesn't effect you personally. You know not what you speak about.) But people like me - who have tried everything - who have suffered greatly - more deeply than most will  ever be able to understand or even empathize with. People who function completely by their mental and physical strength - often known as willpower-  look at others who can't as weak or less of a persons. But NO, it is quite the opposite! Someone who is willing to face their own weaknesses and able to go completely against the stigma and strong current of accepted social and religious philosophy, and to squarely mak...

The scarf around my throat ... I thought about it... I wanted to hang myself, to end it all, to make this stop happening. I don't want to hurt others, to respond inappropriately, to make people cry. Why can't I just shut up? Why can't I stop talking? If only I never said a word, it would help so many times and so less people would be hurt. I really don't say anything that consistently helps. I write better than I speak anyone. I long for it, but don't think I can do it. I wish my voice would be taken away. To never scream again. To never say another painful word. To never push into a conversation. To just listen and be silent. A failure is how I often feel. I feel worse..I feel less... Why did He allow me to be made? Why knowing the future let it happen... the sperm meet up with the egg... the child to be formed in my mother's womb? If He could see the number of my days, He knows me through and through why allow someone to be made so that they can be to...

What is happening? Get OUT! I said, "Get out!" Why did you abandon us? You don't care. After all we have done. Why did you leave? Bet you think it will be nicer, easier, and you will get what you want. You will pay. One day. You will be so sorry. Mark my words.... you always were a loser. I know you wouldn't amount to much. Get OUT! I can't take you anymore. I don't care where you go. LEAVE. You let everyone down. You just cut and ran. Didn't even say, "Goodbye!" You are selfish, always. Looking out for number ONE. Why don't you think of your siblings? I need you to take care of them... I mean, they need you.... look up to you.... They will know now and forever that you didn't care. They will always remember. You couldn't handle it so you left them.... you didn't even care what happen to them. Who do you think you are? Shut the hell up. Leave my face? You were a mistake... Why can't you speak up? Why don...

hurt, cold, run away She hurt me. She pointed at me and accused me. What? Why? I didn't..... Run... run... run away. Close your mouth... Calm... But I reach out ... slap... and I reach out... slam... and I reach out... stone cold! Why was she angry? I thought she was my friend. I like her. We have always gotten along. What did I say that was so  offensive. She did not smile. She would not talk. She turned not to look back at me. Does she know? Does she care? Or is she simply hurting too much inside to even see the pain caused to another? my pain. I am blind to her pain? "I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. We both live in grace." Why is she ignoring me? Rejecting my words.... shunning me...running from me.... I gotta go, gotta get out of here, can't take it, can't believe it, what is her problem, rules are rules, can she not read. Does she have no respect? She is wrong, oh so wrong. irksomely wrong. getta away. run away. stop it. I d...

Another one.... another lost day.... they add up so much... so many lost days. Running on the inside, hurting on the outside. Words, oh so many words.... healing, clinging, cutting through, knowing, telling me what to do. And do I do it, or must I wait? And who can do it, or must I stay? Running on the outside, hurting on the inside. No one will see.... how they hurt me... No one will know.... pass by so slow. And does it really matter? Can it make sense? Is it so important? Looking through a lens..... Running for a living, hurting cause I'm dying. no hope, no flight, no chance, no life..... crystal spinning..... little eye lids close.... Is there any hope? Will it really help? Who will reach her know? No one seems to know? And does it really matter? Does anybody care? A blimp in the universe, with who will she share..... Can you hear it, getting louder, bellow screaming, shouting sounder? I can't hear a word. I can't see a sound. How can it be? I d...

Do you ever wonder if you are a freak? I said, "wonder" not "worry." Why would I worry if I was a freak? Worrying can not do anything about it.... but wonder... that is another thing all together. What is a freak anyway? Odd, not natural, not normal, strange, more than strange, unstable, unsocial, weird.... different! Yep.... freak.... like a creep. I wish I was "good" that is not in value or worth but in reliable, always ready, able and there. I wonder if it will come back and slam it in my face for being so vulnerable.... for showing the side of myself that so many people try to hide or pretend that it doesn't exist..... or, is it really just me? Are other people normal all the time? Do they crack? Do they break down? Do they mess up, blow it, tumble? Some people are solid, dependable, strong, tough, made of steel.... at least it is what we see... do they ever cry themselves to sleep at night? or bang their head on a wall? Do they look ...