Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

It has been a long time since I have written a post in Shattered Glass Life. This is like my personal cave - where I let out my secrets of secrets - the raw rumblings that are ugly sometimes, hateful, and other things that socially trained people know they must hide from the world and often even from themselves. I AM SO ANGRY! I am in pain. I am hurting so deeply, feeling like I have been stabbed in the emotional heart by the sharpest of points. He aimed rightly and pierced me in the most delicate place of my feeling heart. I now know why I don't allow anyone to get in - to release myself to fully embrace another living soul with undying love. When the one you love is careless with the delicate gift you have entrusted them with, when they speak words or even worse speak nothing at all - void of emotion - Oh, I have a hurting heart. Not like the broken and shattered one of my childhood, the emptiness of never having been loved, the brokeness of being beat so many tim...

What is happening? Get OUT! I said, "Get out!" Why did you abandon us? You don't care. After all we have done. Why did you leave? Bet you think it will be nicer, easier, and you will get what you want. You will pay. One day. You will be so sorry. Mark my words.... you always were a loser. I know you wouldn't amount to much. Get OUT! I can't take you anymore. I don't care where you go. LEAVE. You let everyone down. You just cut and ran. Didn't even say, "Goodbye!" You are selfish, always. Looking out for number ONE. Why don't you think of your siblings? I need you to take care of them... I mean, they need you.... look up to you.... They will know now and forever that you didn't care. They will always remember. You couldn't handle it so you left them.... you didn't even care what happen to them. Who do you think you are? Shut the hell up. Leave my face? You were a mistake... Why can't you speak up? Why don...

Is this your life? When you are shattered in life, like a crystal vase that has crashed on a hard tile floor, you are splintered into little parts - some sharp as a cutting edge, others blunt and a few chunks that just wouldn't break any smaller. We go about life trying to "be normal" if we can... to fit in, to not draw attention, to not be 'a problem', to wishfully be swept away... But very rarely do the broken pieces in life ever come together... Why? With so many hurting people, so many who have been taken advantage of, who have been abused or used... why do so few find healing. I think it might have to do with what we are willing to endure, what cost we deem too much to pay... and how much we love. Cost and love - an odd duo. Love can't be bought, but it costs more than most of any love newbie would imagine. Sacrifice, selflessness, delayed satisfaction and so many similar lessons must be mastered in transforming ... in becoming capable of lov...

hurt, cold, run away She hurt me. She pointed at me and accused me. What? Why? I didn't..... Run... run... run away. Close your mouth... Calm... But I reach out ... slap... and I reach out... slam... and I reach out... stone cold! Why was she angry? I thought she was my friend. I like her. We have always gotten along. What did I say that was so  offensive. She did not smile. She would not talk. She turned not to look back at me. Does she know? Does she care? Or is she simply hurting too much inside to even see the pain caused to another? my pain. I am blind to her pain? "I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. We both live in grace." Why is she ignoring me? Rejecting my words.... shunning me...running from me.... I gotta go, gotta get out of here, can't take it, can't believe it, what is her problem, rules are rules, can she not read. Does she have no respect? She is wrong, oh so wrong. irksomely wrong. getta away. run away. stop it. I d...

Stillness quickens in my ears... deeper going, fear to hear. Do you see it? Can you care? Is she someone... see her reaching out her hand. Twisted, withering, brittle hand... If you touch her, she must just break. Slap back! Shutter... What could she want? Frightened, fearing.... what's she done? Can we trust her? Do we dare? See her covered by her hair? She is looking out, no one's looking in.... no one sees her, no one cares. No one reaches to her hand. She is looking inside, nothings ever easy. She's coming undone. Loose thread, twirling, round and round.... Spider webbing, not a sound. Will we loose her, where did she go? Too much trouble to find her now. I can't reach... I can't go there... I don't wanta... I am scared. Smash. Crash. Splash. Cutting deeper into what remains. Who is with her? Why's she cry? Do not loose her, before she dies.... always bleeding, when will it stop... always peeling, when will it stop... always tearing, when will...

I yelled. I screamed, "Screw U!" I was so angry..... but I didn't realize until later at who. Anger Rages upon My Soul Angry - I was in such a position, angry - no one put my fragile soul safe, angry - I felt trapped, angry - I came so far to be cut off, angry - I couldn't trust others...especially those in life the very people you are suppose to trust... those in life that most often are sitting in the front row of one's funeral, that have your back, that forgive, forget and protect. Anger boiled in me, burnt my soul, made me cry in deep agonizing tones howling like a wolf in the darkest night or a battle horn blown by a solider shot, wounded blood mixed with dirt crusted on what was once an optimistic uniform. Anger seethed for those who hurt me, and I became unbalanced..rolling from one event to the next...never quite finding the "be still" place in life, because stillness brought more uncertainty and PAIN... a wall of falling rocks on my path,...

Little Bird, Who Do You Trust? Once so small, so tender too.. Little bird, what must I do? In the wind, it pulls swiftly at me, Do I take flight, stay, or just wait and see? I am a fragile soul, like bird, Who will protect me, who will listen so I am heard? I am in the safety of Your palm. Nothing can touch me that is not in Your plan. As a little bird, I look up to You. Oh, God, show me what I must do? "Be true to thyself and what you feel. Honoring pain, admitting it is real. Little bird, you are free... fly away .... live life as it should be. Fly away home, Little Bird." TRUST Take Flight! Trust - that was the whole theme. Once broken it is hard so seam. No instant glue can mend the ragged tear. Convincing, coaxing, pushing makes it just harder to bare. Trust - fragile and so easily broken. Shredded by words either said or unspoken. Actions always speak louder than words. They reveal your true hand, intension are hea...