Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

I'm scared. I feel like a whole has been ripped right through my gut exposing the deepest secrets of who I am or was and I am really scared. What will become of me? Will they laugh, taunt, kick, throw stones.... Will it hurt? How deep will the pain go... how long will it last...people can be so mean. Will I live to regret me desire to be transparent... my desire to inform... to show what others may never get to peer within to see? Is that way I was set free? Did He know I would tell? Did He need someone to survive to explain what it is to be insane? Nevertheless, it still hurts, deep inside, twisting like spaghetti that will never come unclumped... inedible...stiff, stuck together what should be loosely free... it balls up inside of me. I draw a deep breath and ask for Him to reach in and take this heavy, painful lump away...spiritual surgery by the hand of the Master Physician. I trust. I lie open. I wait. I breathe. I will it away, lifted, takes, dispos...

I don't know why I am so drained? Nothing is wrong... no sickness, no big problems (we all have the daily little stuff). It is more of lifeless, empty, (I hate to say this) BORED. Out of my heart flows His Words..... Yeah, yeah, I've said it before, "Bored? I will give you something to be bored about." Many think if you set goals, work, plan, go.... you can avoid it. The truth for my life is I am not purposefully plugged in to doing what God created me to do. I am like an artist without a canvas, a fashion-designer without fabric, a chef without food. But sometimes I do have the supplies: the canvas, the paint, the brushes, the fabric or food... and what I am lacking is a place to be visible. I can paint a hundred canvases but if not one is ever seen - what purpose is my life? I can design closet filled with outfits but if one is never worn - why exert the effort? And I can make the most appealing meals with the finest of ingredients, but if no one ...