Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

photo by eigrieves on DeviantART Ghastly company-- I am to me Solitary soul of gloom Beating pulse flows through my veins. Alone, yet, with the red blood moon. Sensations approaching the cell door, Creeping, silently upon the floor, Dread and terror race to my brain, Man-made walls make me insane. Oh, forgive my wretched past, Hope to drink from Grace’s glass, Grinding metal grates the cage, I can’t escape my judgment's page. Read the Word He gave to me, It's the only way for me to see, Passed these wall that capture me, To the horizon of tomorrows' seas.

I'm scared. I feel like a whole has been ripped right through my gut exposing the deepest secrets of who I am or was and I am really scared. What will become of me? Will they laugh, taunt, kick, throw stones.... Will it hurt? How deep will the pain go... how long will it last...people can be so mean. Will I live to regret me desire to be transparent... my desire to inform... to show what others may never get to peer within to see? Is that way I was set free? Did He know I would tell? Did He need someone to survive to explain what it is to be insane? Nevertheless, it still hurts, deep inside, twisting like spaghetti that will never come unclumped... inedible...stiff, stuck together what should be loosely free... it balls up inside of me. I draw a deep breath and ask for Him to reach in and take this heavy, painful lump away...spiritual surgery by the hand of the Master Physician. I trust. I lie open. I wait. I breathe. I will it away, lifted, takes, dispos...

I am so sleepy. I am so sad - sorrow runs like a rapid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way. Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP. So close, yet so far away. You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have... We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic! You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze. If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left alone. BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality" "they desperatel...

Do you ever feel that way? Time..... it slips away... wasted, spoiled, not enough or even too much... but still it never stands still, moving, slipping.... if it is not used. on the edge of time.... push me in or drag me along It is not like other things we have... I guess some things spoil if I don't use them fast enough, like bread that gets all moldy if I forget to use it all up or cream that gets spoiled with clumps of curds.... Does time spoil, mold or clump up with stinky curds? Sometimes it feels like it does. But then other things in life like tissues in a box.... they don't discinerate into vapors into the air, but I don't grab them out quick enough. No they wait on me, they wait until if have a tear, or a sneeze, or some other need. This type of things don't make me so edgy and nervous... as time. I have wasted so many days, so much time, and no one can go backwards in time.... the Bible says God can redeem the years that the locus have stolen. Wh...

Last night I experienced one of the horrific trapped dreams in my life. I have been sleeping for nine hours. I tried several times to awaken but found that I couldn't - I tried to speak, get my body to move, to sing... I was in a trance that was not by my doing and not mine to control. Somehow I retained enough sense, maybe the Holy Spirit was speaking to me, but in the midst of being caught in this dream ... I remembered that I had committed to fast on Fridays to break any spiritual bonds left in my life so that I could experience the abundant freedom God desires. I fasted last Friday and this past week has been awesome!!! Relationships have blossomed within my home. I am walking on a deeper level with both my teen boys. Doors have opened. I have been at the right place at the right time to have "life" spiritual impact in others life. God has worked through me to speak to people who need to hear a life-giving word. Why do I feel corny stating that we absolutely...