Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

Fragile, Yet Strong. Or should it be, Strong, yet Fragile. Both apply to days, moments and seasons of my life. Surviving child abuse made me incredibly strong. I can survive almost anything. Pain is endured. Insurmountable odds are diminished, giving me a perpetual "I can do" attitude. I am able to bear up others, can handle crisis, can support teams, can dig in and do the hard, heavy, dirty work. I need little to sustain me. I know how to survive with minimal assistance. Independence, resilience, long-suffering. And still, Surviving child abuse has made me incredibly fragile. Unknown insignificant little things can pierce to my core and shatter me. I am left defenseless, exposed, incompetent. I am able to relate to hurting people, understand without words completely spoken. I feel and know and reason in randomness. I come along side, pray, and encourage because I have been broken. Delicate, sensitive, unpredictable. Two sides of the same coin - two f...

These words-this poem- came today because it has been a hard day, frustrating. A day when I keep blundering and still I never give up. All I know is to step in the presence of God and allow Him to fill me up every time I am bumped into and spilt over. An exercise in humility and grace. Type, Delete, Repeat Is the rhythm of my day. Gutting all I need, Makes me have to stay. Floodgates opening, Wear the dam away. Missing all I need, Help me Lord to pray. Million Chances- False start tries Feel the glances. Adrenaline slides. Go, Slushing, Relief Is the volume in my mind. Fighting to believe Keeps me close in time. Exhaust, Repenting Do you still see me? Taking all I need, From Your hand receive. Millions Chances- Lost in Gambles Move, E-vances Humbled pile of clay. Off the ledge I fall Into Your embrace. Trusting all I need, Supply me Thy GRACE! And I type, delete, repeat, Every step I take, Still I'm forwarding, Forwarding, I Sent Me. ...

Incubator walls enclose my soul, Plexiglas plates seal off life. Windows to peer out. Others peer in, Passing, Running, Ignoring-- They never seem to notice. Hands pounding invisible bars Green grass growing outside Lives among the trees. Animals roam free. The world turns on its pole. I'm in my zone-- Shut out - closed in. No one heard my sounds. Breathing slowly Dying day by day. Shut out, closed in. Living a Charade. In the echo chamber, I howl cell to cell. Everyone is learning to play Life's game so well. Don't talk, drop it, seal tight the tomb. Mausoleum dwelling is where I am schooled And she doesn't make a sound. Haven't heard from her lately. Didn't see her in the silence. She was too exposed. Shiny Glass Reflection Viewing Xray smudges Everything is so visible In the glare of sunlight. Cut off, Keep Quiet. Why Can't she learn shame? Don't respond again. Maybe she'll go away. Ignore, star...

High-speed velocity zigzag trackin' -- Tripping over every thought and sensation, Not high, not low, running, ribbing, non-stop go. Help me not crash, or detonate - I need to isolate. Input maxed, output floods - unplugged but full of juice. The source can't be turned off; the value is unknown. Seek the Maker. Who damaged His perfect plans? In an instant He can solve, thou He wills to let alone. Limiting contact prevents potential flares Pyromanic left too many ignitable tissues Flammable matters not contained in an atom Cells hold eighteen-plus revolving issues. Desensitize charges ground into earth. Pressurized molecules search for their balance. Slinging atoms splitting into to nanos. Science pines the mysterious challenge. Would they profess the same value or import, On the splitting minds of human beings? To help a soul recover from child abuse, To Wear flip-flops and go a mile sightseeing. Cherished theories chased for accolade, Are no co...

Medication serves its purpose, Intense therapy undertaken, Stabilizes serotonin, Keeps a hurting soul unshaken. Little pills, you are my friend, Faithful you help me to survive. Able to love, to give, to know. With you, I am today alive. Time comes when your missions complete. A healed vessel- into - I return. In therapy -placisity Of a new brain, she'd duly earn. By chems it found a place to leap, Forged pathways in concrete walls, In Turn, by turn, the drill went on Angels carried her through the falls. By faith, she tries to be unmed, Is it the time to have parole? Bravely she treads deeper waters. Trusting to dance - freeing her soul. By faith I walk feeling my way, Bending, leaning on God again. He led me through haunted darkness, Surely He can thru times so thin. Sweating, tossing, breathing, beating, Tortured, rapid re-runs - she dreams, By day she delicately chose To keep away from life's extremes. A smile, a hug, a lau...

Is this your life? When you are shattered in life, like a crystal vase that has crashed on a hard tile floor, you are splintered into little parts - some sharp as a cutting edge, others blunt and a few chunks that just wouldn't break any smaller. We go about life trying to "be normal" if we can... to fit in, to not draw attention, to not be 'a problem', to wishfully be swept away... But very rarely do the broken pieces in life ever come together... Why? With so many hurting people, so many who have been taken advantage of, who have been abused or used... why do so few find healing. I think it might have to do with what we are willing to endure, what cost we deem too much to pay... and how much we love. Cost and love - an odd duo. Love can't be bought, but it costs more than most of any love newbie would imagine. Sacrifice, selflessness, delayed satisfaction and so many similar lessons must be mastered in transforming ... in becoming capable of lov...

His Blood For Me Bleed the pain... it pours like a heavy rain. And it cuts, feel the pain, it's so sharp. It's the raw edge of pain.When will it end? When will it run dry? Bleed No More..... when will I bleed no more. I know fear, and Fear knows me. I know death, he stares at me. He wanted to take my life, just a child, once upon a time an innocent me... once was... one time... I think, the word "child" was suppose to be, a description of me. No More! It's a lie, it's a lie, it's a lie. I can't die for myself. Stop the cutting, it will never really stop the pain. Each slash is another bar holding my soul in a prison within... going deeper... ever deeper, lost within. The glassy stare, the stone cold face, the numbing way she floats through space. Just a shell of who she could be.  It will never satisfy the gulf - the hollow lifeless agony.  How many others had it stolen away, like me, ripped in anger, punched away? Now be silent, ...

So many hurting are hiding, invisible to many. O K, I wrote this yesterday and chickened out with tons of doubts and removed it. Now that I realize I was listening to a lot of comments being sent my way by the enemy... I am putting it back up. "Oh, me of little faith!" If you are interested in helping organize a non-profit ministry for survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, child abuse and trauma, please contact me. So often the world sets up organizations to be there for hurting, but they don't have the real answers. I am hoping to set up a ministry that really make a permanent difference in hurting survivors lives. God is laying the vision of such a ministry on my heart, therefore, I am looking for a team of like-minded Christians to prayerfully lead. God uses each of our abilities and gifts for His ministry.  Check out the document for more information about Living Visible Ministries  Lindy Abbott 

Another one.... another lost day.... they add up so much... so many lost days. Running on the inside, hurting on the outside. Words, oh so many words.... healing, clinging, cutting through, knowing, telling me what to do. And do I do it, or must I wait? And who can do it, or must I stay? Running on the outside, hurting on the inside. No one will see.... how they hurt me... No one will know.... pass by so slow. And does it really matter? Can it make sense? Is it so important? Looking through a lens..... Running for a living, hurting cause I'm dying. no hope, no flight, no chance, no life..... crystal spinning..... little eye lids close.... Is there any hope? Will it really help? Who will reach her know? No one seems to know? And does it really matter? Does anybody care? A blimp in the universe, with who will she share..... Can you hear it, getting louder, bellow screaming, shouting sounder? I can't hear a word. I can't see a sound. How can it be? I d...

I yelled. I screamed, "Screw U!" I was so angry..... but I didn't realize until later at who. Anger Rages upon My Soul Angry - I was in such a position, angry - no one put my fragile soul safe, angry - I felt trapped, angry - I came so far to be cut off, angry - I couldn't trust others...especially those in life the very people you are suppose to trust... those in life that most often are sitting in the front row of one's funeral, that have your back, that forgive, forget and protect. Anger boiled in me, burnt my soul, made me cry in deep agonizing tones howling like a wolf in the darkest night or a battle horn blown by a solider shot, wounded blood mixed with dirt crusted on what was once an optimistic uniform. Anger seethed for those who hurt me, and I became unbalanced..rolling from one event to the next...never quite finding the "be still" place in life, because stillness brought more uncertainty and PAIN... a wall of falling rocks on my path,...