Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

Tin gling fin ger tips  a  sig nal Ex tra sen sory in per cep tion. Ant sy for me, cob web think ing-- Map ping  across,  con necting  the dots  When the sky dims-- beams blare and blind. Sole slips up and down, rocking to no sound. Muf fled words rat tle on un turned. Bold O pin ions as sert ed as facts blurred. Gol den rings domed by ce les tial blues-- Calm my soul--peace re sides-- a day is done. Wor shipping  wa ter col ored dis plays, You are faith ful and true , see me through! Why do I doubt and won der -will I sur vive ? Eyes rise, be hold the white glow in the sky And a star or two looking down at me from You. Lindy Abbott

I want to help others but I can't help myself. I love and know God and trust Him too, but that doesn't stop my brain from being a jumbled mess.  Jumbled thoughts can be pretty! Scattered thoughts keep bombarding me.  I feel like a rattle-head.  I think I wrote once about this before, being a rattle-head . And it was the least-read post...Even I couldn't relate to it much after the episode passed. I have cried out to God for help this morning and for the past two days. I have gone to others for prayer and carefully, with exercising great inner control tried to explain to my family of three teens and my dear husband (I almost didn't want to say dear, oh, how hard it can be on a marriage--to twirl out of control and to not know why or how to make the top stop spinning). I don't know what pushed the top into its first spin.  And that is part of the problem I can't think clearly. I can't remember even simple things.  It is like the f...

Were you there? Did you know? Really... its all hearsay unless it comes directly from the one, and even then we have to hope they are not lying to others or even more the usual case, themselves. We all present an image of what we hope people see, of what we want people to know. But in all our nakedness, the uglies are seen and known.... strip any of us down, to our bare bones, what is left... no skin, no hair, no surgery, or material accessories to pretend.... remove the body and what is left? what is there? Wouldn't that be the best? To be able to sit around with others, to be able to really talk and get to know, to share from the soul, to know and be known. Soul to soul. Real to Real. Truth to Truth. And it is there, in the naked, exposed, stripped-down-of-it-all moment that I find myself... and odd as it may be, I am finally comfortable with being seen, with being visible. I am happy to be exposed for who I really am, it brings a peculiar smile of rest to my soul....

Voices? Do you have them? Do you hear them? Is it like a web messed up, growing in your head? Is it your our mind? your conscience? your emotions? your spirit? your will? Or someone... something ... else How do you know? How can it be? What separates imagined from what is real... or reality from what is imagined ... if it is only you who hears it? Did you ever think about that before? No one hears what goes on inside your head? It is a private world.... It can be a place of chaos, torment or delight and adventure. Does everyone have the ability to hear? or is it those - only - who are aware? Awareness... God, are you near, is it you that I sometimes hear? Of course it is. I know your voice. I know Jesus and the Holy Spirit... each speak to me in such a distinct way varying shades of the same hue... one light bend into a rainbow of colors... one moon seen from all over the globe? Do you hear? Did you know? Do you want to hear? Do you want to know? I do. So I li...

Every time I try to be a mother... I try to guide, direct, lead... I am treated terrible. I don't know why you God made me a mother. I am not at all cut out for this. I have tried. I have failed. Nothing I do is right. I am ignored, disrespected, despised. Why am I here? I am certain someone else could have been a much better mother for my children. This is not a pity party statement - it is a statement of truth! A rare fool could have done a worse job then me .... and they probably would have been appreciated. I don't handle rejection well. Does anybody? It appears that other children listen and respect their parents. Is this true? Are is a just a charade everyone is playing? Is the Emperor Really Wearing no clothes in every home, and families just pretend they are real.... or Do real functioning families exists? I do not want to talk about it anymore. I am sick... I was going to say I was sick of it, but in reality I am probably really just sick..... I am one flew...

I am not doing well. Terrible day today. I fell apart big time. I don't want to go over it again. I am finally sitting in a bed at the Embassy Suite and wishing I could stay for a few days. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow and I don't want to go. I want to sleep in late, rest, recuperate. I will send her a text. I am not sure if she will get it.  I am going downstairs to get my things in the van. My favorite part of the hotel is how fresh and clean everything is. Next day......... Walking up in the hotel today I am so clam. The beautiful crisp white sheets and pillow... I wish I had these at home. Random thoughts, can't find link or connection.... written down in journal May 29, 2009. Work - Honesty - Loyalty - Hard Work Learned the best classroom in the world can be at the feet of the elderly. Everyone wrote a thanksgiving tribute by writing a nice word or sentiment about each of his or her coworkers. Lived through the great de...