Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

The scarf around my throat ... I thought about it... I wanted to hang myself, to end it all, to make this stop happening. I don't want to hurt others, to respond inappropriately, to make people cry. Why can't I just shut up? Why can't I stop talking? If only I never said a word, it would help so many times and so less people would be hurt. I really don't say anything that consistently helps. I write better than I speak anyone. I long for it, but don't think I can do it. I wish my voice would be taken away. To never scream again. To never say another painful word. To never push into a conversation. To just listen and be silent. A failure is how I often feel. I feel worse..I feel less... Why did He allow me to be made? Why knowing the future let it happen... the sperm meet up with the egg... the child to be formed in my mother's womb? If He could see the number of my days, He knows me through and through why allow someone to be made so that they can be to...

I'm scared. I feel like a whole has been ripped right through my gut exposing the deepest secrets of who I am or was and I am really scared. What will become of me? Will they laugh, taunt, kick, throw stones.... Will it hurt? How deep will the pain go... how long will it last...people can be so mean. Will I live to regret me desire to be transparent... my desire to inform... to show what others may never get to peer within to see? Is that way I was set free? Did He know I would tell? Did He need someone to survive to explain what it is to be insane? Nevertheless, it still hurts, deep inside, twisting like spaghetti that will never come unclumped... inedible...stiff, stuck together what should be loosely free... it balls up inside of me. I draw a deep breath and ask for Him to reach in and take this heavy, painful lump away...spiritual surgery by the hand of the Master Physician. I trust. I lie open. I wait. I breathe. I will it away, lifted, takes, dispos...

Is it insanity? How can you know? If you are insane, you will never know... so if you don't think you are insane you might be. If you do think you are insane, you might be.Or not. Doesn't it take a little bit of "insanity" to see beyond? Well, if you prefer, mental capability to see and know what is abstract. To believe in, sensing, something more than, to understand better than, to feel with an aware that others often miss. Is it you or is it them? Who gets to say? Who is really living in the real world? And who gets to pick? Who sets the rules, standards, conditions, proofs, absolutes? Can you bend your mind? Can you see beyond, can you feel more, can you know what others never even see? What is real? Is it what is tangible, what is accepted by the majority or the brightest, smartest minds? And who is to determine who and what is really bright or smart? If you rattle back facts are you smart? Or does that mean you can record and replay very well? Bu...

Another one.... another lost day.... they add up so much... so many lost days. Running on the inside, hurting on the outside. Words, oh so many words.... healing, clinging, cutting through, knowing, telling me what to do. And do I do it, or must I wait? And who can do it, or must I stay? Running on the outside, hurting on the inside. No one will see.... how they hurt me... No one will know.... pass by so slow. And does it really matter? Can it make sense? Is it so important? Looking through a lens..... Running for a living, hurting cause I'm dying. no hope, no flight, no chance, no life..... crystal spinning..... little eye lids close.... Is there any hope? Will it really help? Who will reach her know? No one seems to know? And does it really matter? Does anybody care? A blimp in the universe, with who will she share..... Can you hear it, getting louder, bellow screaming, shouting sounder? I can't hear a word. I can't see a sound. How can it be? I d...

Where are you looking? I am so sleepy. I am so sad - sorrow runs like a raid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way. Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP. So close, yet so far away. You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have... We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic! You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze. If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left along. BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality...

Little Bird, Who Do You Trust? Once so small, so tender too.. Little bird, what must I do? In the wind, it pulls swiftly at me, Do I take flight, stay, or just wait and see? I am a fragile soul, like bird, Who will protect me, who will listen so I am heard? I am in the safety of Your palm. Nothing can touch me that is not in Your plan. As a little bird, I look up to You. Oh, God, show me what I must do? "Be true to thyself and what you feel. Honoring pain, admitting it is real. Little bird, you are free... fly away .... live life as it should be. Fly away home, Little Bird." TRUST Take Flight! Trust - that was the whole theme. Once broken it is hard so seam. No instant glue can mend the ragged tear. Convincing, coaxing, pushing makes it just harder to bare. Trust - fragile and so easily broken. Shredded by words either said or unspoken. Actions always speak louder than words. They reveal your true hand, intension are hea...

I am so sleepy. I am so sad - sorrow runs like a rapid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way. Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP. So close, yet so far away. You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have... We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic! You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze. If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left alone. BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality" "they desperatel...

Voices? Do you have them? Do you hear them? Is it like a web messed up, growing in your head? Is it your our mind? your conscience? your emotions? your spirit? your will? Or someone... something ... else How do you know? How can it be? What separates imagined from what is real... or reality from what is imagined ... if it is only you who hears it? Did you ever think about that before? No one hears what goes on inside your head? It is a private world.... It can be a place of chaos, torment or delight and adventure. Does everyone have the ability to hear? or is it those - only - who are aware? Awareness... God, are you near, is it you that I sometimes hear? Of course it is. I know your voice. I know Jesus and the Holy Spirit... each speak to me in such a distinct way varying shades of the same hue... one light bend into a rainbow of colors... one moon seen from all over the globe? Do you hear? Did you know? Do you want to hear? Do you want to know? I do. So I li...

I started this website for those "Shattered Glass" moments in the life of people who are really seeking to recover from abuse and trauma. Abuse is very ugly...frankly horrid, disgusting, and often filled with terror. Healing from abuse and trauma is also very ugly. Healing is very messy, painful, and can be deathly serious. In the healing process, I felt strongly lead by God to be real and to use writing to express the emotions inside my wounded heart. God give different outlets and directions to each person, some people sing, draw, create sculpture, woodwork or take a run. Over the past month I have come to the finishing point of my healing, which I would not have believed possible 2 weeks ago. It always hoped to be finished the healing process, but I resigned that I would be always healing. As a Christian believer, I understand that I will  never stop growing and will always be developing personally becoming sanctified and more like Christ. So what do I do with ...