Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

I'm scared. I feel like a whole has been ripped right through my gut exposing the deepest secrets of who I am or was and I am really scared. What will become of me? Will they laugh, taunt, kick, throw stones.... Will it hurt? How deep will the pain go... how long will it last...people can be so mean. Will I live to regret me desire to be transparent... my desire to inform... to show what others may never get to peer within to see? Is that way I was set free? Did He know I would tell? Did He need someone to survive to explain what it is to be insane? Nevertheless, it still hurts, deep inside, twisting like spaghetti that will never come unclumped... inedible...stiff, stuck together what should be loosely free... it balls up inside of me. I draw a deep breath and ask for Him to reach in and take this heavy, painful lump away...spiritual surgery by the hand of the Master Physician. I trust. I lie open. I wait. I breathe. I will it away, lifted, takes, dispos...

Where are you looking? I am so sleepy. I am so sad - sorrow runs like a raid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way. Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP. So close, yet so far away. You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have... We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic! You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze. If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left along. BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality...

I broke apart yesterday and cut the people I love with the sharp edge of my words and attitude. No halo floating over my head. I knew things were heading for a rough day and my dear husband bounced out of bed and started listing all the things he wanted to tackle. Things we needed to take care of together. It is not like I can expect him to have a PhD in psychology. How would he know that he was throwing me over the edge if I didn't even know? Yesterday was the beginning of the month, and the end of my vignette (name for rented booth space) at the little antique store off our downtown square. Another failed adventure. Something I felt God wanted Me to do for I some holy reason that I never quite figured out. My husband thinks it was all a plot to become a hoarder and spend money on crap I didn't. need and nobody else wanted or needed. When I get an idea in my head, I think about all the creative things I could do. I had some really great ideas...the only problem is it is a B...