Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

This is an inside look at someone who is going through a dissociative state. The thoughts are scattered and you will see various internal conversations. I wrote this many years ago and found it today on my computer. Today, I am no longer dissociative but I am amazed at what I wrote. I titled it Wires On a Bomb so I will leave it that way. #mental illness #dissociative #did Here it is: so much wiring within It is unstable - I know. Jittery, moving about ever so slight but it does not need much to explode. Can I figure out which wires to remove before its too late? Do I dare to try? No matter what I do--except to enter a catatonic freeze--will increase the possibility, the odds of its blast. So what does one do? Twisted, fragile, so not wanting to be at this moment, this point in time, this crisis ---again, again and again. Seconds feel like hours, and hours prolong like days...especially if you pause, to pray or gain some kind of controllable ease. I speak...

Being a survivor of child abuse doesn't seem to ever end in "she lived happily ever after again." I have made so much progress, but on days that I dip - frankly, I hate it: disassociation. The past few days I have felt like I was in my body but another person was controlling me - Miss. Edgy Depresso! I tried to hide in my bedroom because I didn't want to snap at anyone. I knew I was plunging; a few days ago I had my girlfriend pray for me. I know when things are not right; I feel it all over my body: heart races or pounds, blood vessels bulge in my hands, my arms feel like someone has punched them, and I am irritable. Yet, the worst symptom is feeling trapped inside my body and the mood--unable to snap out of it. All I can do is keep "bubble wrap" around me and try to lower any pressure or stimulus so I wont pop. I pass mirrors and see such a sad face; a shell; a flat affect - zombie lady. Where did I go? If this never happens to you, feel ble...

Not Sure Why or How I feel when my insides rattle... My insides shake beneath my skin, especially in my arms. Something rattles out of balance, moving sporadically through me, like a washer spinning wildly because the load inside needs an adjustment. With very choppy comments, I clip too close at people and their words. Back off! Stop! "Can't others see I am not normal right now? Don't they know I need space and an extra dose of grace?" I question. Maybe it is truth - that people don't look out for the needs of others ... they are looking too closely at what they want. What about me? Do I? I try. I didn't always know how... it is a skill. A lesson that must be learned: how to take your eyes off of your wants and needs to consider what is happening inside of another person. -------------- Don't you see her shake? I do. My friends leg moves so rapidly like a bobbin bouncing loosely as the thread swirls it up and down, round and round. I...

There are times when God asks us to be vulnerable to help others see. For me, this is one of those times. "I need a mommy!" mumbled the child through tears walking up and down the hallway.  Over and over, it was all she could say, the only thought that seemed to answer the hurt inside her wounded heart.  "I need a mommy! I need a mommy! I need a mommy!" she repeated as she sucked her finger for comfort. She is about  three-years old.  So confused and lost, but she knew what she was missing.  A mommy to her would be someone to take care of her, someone to love her, someone to belong to...but where, where could Mommy be found? Let me explain a little. Children raised in broken or abusive home lack security and attachment. A mother provides this as she embraces her child and gently pats her back or when she lovingly gazes in her baby's eyes. Tender times like these are vital to proper brain development. Without them the brain does not allows chemicals t...

Do you ever wonder if you are a freak? I said, "wonder" not "worry." Why would I worry if I was a freak? Worrying can not do anything about it.... but wonder... that is another thing all together. What is a freak anyway? Odd, not natural, not normal, strange, more than strange, unstable, unsocial, weird.... different! Yep.... freak.... like a creep. I wish I was "good" that is not in value or worth but in reliable, always ready, able and there. I wonder if it will come back and slam it in my face for being so vulnerable.... for showing the side of myself that so many people try to hide or pretend that it doesn't exist..... or, is it really just me? Are other people normal all the time? Do they crack? Do they break down? Do they mess up, blow it, tumble? Some people are solid, dependable, strong, tough, made of steel.... at least it is what we see... do they ever cry themselves to sleep at night? or bang their head on a wall? Do they look ...

It can be hard when you mess up like I do... I have glaring faults that unfortunately appear visible to others... when I become tripped up. Rejection Hurts - We are all Flawed, But all still Lovable. I have been through a very hard situation. What is new? Relationships are hard when you are not ..... I am ashamed, embarrassed and painfully hurting. A situation started after the first weeks and gone under the rug, until I spoke up last Monday... drawn into frankly, frustrated anger. I am not saying I am not to be responsible or to blame. I have dealt with God and a written apology for my part to those involved, but we received a certified letter today saying that I may not go in the building but only drop off my children in the parking lot because of my "disquieting incidents". I really feel I have let my children down... here I am again, being cut off from them because I am an "undesirable, raw-around-the-edges, not traditional churchy-lady refined, imperfec...