Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

Ever feel like your brain is made of soggy milk-laden cereal bowl of shredded wheat? soggy brain That is how my brain feels today. I have been sick... in bed for five days (an eternity for me) and my moods have swung up, down, up, down, low, creeping, scraping, crawling, screaming, meanness. My eyelids are tired, struggling to stay alert. From mush to dried out melba toast has been the consistency of my brain. I have read everything in sight from old book, to new book, to newspaper, and internet article... then TV and tv and more numbing, who-gives-a-care tv.... to only roll back and prop myself up for the next book I pulled from the pile on the floor. No wonder I get crabby, crappy, get-away-free-me.... words, sentences, thoughts, people, doing, saying, going. All are moving on the electric escalating path to nowhere.  All is vain. Life has no purpose. Isolated. Disconnected. Meaningless. And how we try to pretend we are something... we ha...

Were you there? Did you know? Really... its all hearsay unless it comes directly from the one, and even then we have to hope they are not lying to others or even more the usual case, themselves. We all present an image of what we hope people see, of what we want people to know. But in all our nakedness, the uglies are seen and known.... strip any of us down, to our bare bones, what is left... no skin, no hair, no surgery, or material accessories to pretend.... remove the body and what is left? what is there? Wouldn't that be the best? To be able to sit around with others, to be able to really talk and get to know, to share from the soul, to know and be known. Soul to soul. Real to Real. Truth to Truth. And it is there, in the naked, exposed, stripped-down-of-it-all moment that I find myself... and odd as it may be, I am finally comfortable with being seen, with being visible. I am happy to be exposed for who I really am, it brings a peculiar smile of rest to my soul....

 Stop! Dangerous.... don't read if you hurt.... don't read if you are raw.... don't read if 'cutting words' tear you apart. This is raw... this is ugly, mean, painful...... but a gut honest moment frozen in time. Did you pick up your clothes? I told you to pick up the clothes? Why aren't they folded? Hang them up. Can you watch the kids? Just 4 hours. It is the least you can do. Everyone has to do their part. You forgot to feed the cat? Do you want him to die? I should have never gotten that cat? If he dies, its your fault. I asked you to water the plants, they're bone dry. I paid good money for those plants, water them! Why can't you do the things we ask? Why are you so slow? What is that look? You expect me to do something for you? Always about you? Push Push Push... to get your way, and then you sit on your butt. Your room is a mess. How can you live like this? After all we do, you even have your own room. Stop eating in the living r...

Have you ever felt like you don't fit? Nobody likes me. Why was I not included? How long did it take you to figure out that you are different? The calls never came. You didn't get invited. They went without you. You just happen upon a notice.... and you didn't even know .... you offered to help, but no one called you back.... you wanted to minister, but you are avoided....you asked to give a testimony, but your offer was declined... Not now. No time. We will call. I'll get in touch. Thanks, bye... (silence.... permanent silence) What is wrong with me? I am a reject. People act all loving... they pretend to like me... they say I am nice, but really, I know I am not their friend. When they get together with friends ... to go do something fun... to share a special occasion... to visit, to enjoy, to talk, to hang, to know...... I am not invited. Sound like a whiner.... who cares? But the problem is.... am I different.... no that is not it?  Is there someth...

So deep and wide - it all runs like rain. Still He comes, I can't get away.  Do not run from Him. Why, why wont He give up, just let me die... I am not sure, can't fathom why.  Why does He come to me?  One day I might .... one day I might... one day I might perceive. __________________ He Calls me, "Beauty"! And still it fell, down from His face, pierced the skin and it cut the vein....running from His veins, seeping, pouring...the power of His priceless perfect blood. He paid the price, the ransom for my life.  Still He bleeds, bleeds, bleeds for me. Why would anyone bleed for me? Do you see - that He bleeds?... He bleeds for me.... So intense, so real. Trying to end what another began.  It's not His fault, but still He pays. He bleeds for me. He covers me with the blood from His veins. So He bleeds; He bleeds for me. I don't understand why He bleed for me? Why did He have to die for me? I am not worth it; it's plain to see: dra...

What is happening? Get OUT! I said, "Get out!" Why did you abandon us? You don't care. After all we have done. Why did you leave? Bet you think it will be nicer, easier, and you will get what you want. You will pay. One day. You will be so sorry. Mark my words.... you always were a loser. I know you wouldn't amount to much. Get OUT! I can't take you anymore. I don't care where you go. LEAVE. You let everyone down. You just cut and ran. Didn't even say, "Goodbye!" You are selfish, always. Looking out for number ONE. Why don't you think of your siblings? I need you to take care of them... I mean, they need you.... look up to you.... They will know now and forever that you didn't care. They will always remember. You couldn't handle it so you left them.... you didn't even care what happen to them. Who do you think you are? Shut the hell up. Leave my face? You were a mistake... Why can't you speak up? Why don...