Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

Voices? Do you have them? Do you hear them? Is it like a web messed up, growing in your head? Is it your our mind? your conscience? your emotions? your spirit? your will? Or someone... something ... else How do you know? How can it be? What separates imagined from what is real... or reality from what is imagined ... if it is only you who hears it? Did you ever think about that before? No one hears what goes on inside your head? It is a private world.... It can be a place of chaos, torment or delight and adventure. Does everyone have the ability to hear? or is it those - only - who are aware? Awareness... God, are you near, is it you that I sometimes hear? Of course it is. I know your voice. I know Jesus and the Holy Spirit... each speak to me in such a distinct way varying shades of the same hue... one light bend into a rainbow of colors... one moon seen from all over the globe? Do you hear? Did you know? Do you want to hear? Do you want to know? I do. So I li...

Do you ever wonder if you are a freak? I said, "wonder" not "worry." Why would I worry if I was a freak? Worrying can not do anything about it.... but wonder... that is another thing all together. What is a freak anyway? Odd, not natural, not normal, strange, more than strange, unstable, unsocial, weird.... different! Yep.... freak.... like a creep. I wish I was "good" that is not in value or worth but in reliable, always ready, able and there. I wonder if it will come back and slam it in my face for being so vulnerable.... for showing the side of myself that so many people try to hide or pretend that it doesn't exist..... or, is it really just me? Are other people normal all the time? Do they crack? Do they break down? Do they mess up, blow it, tumble? Some people are solid, dependable, strong, tough, made of steel.... at least it is what we see... do they ever cry themselves to sleep at night? or bang their head on a wall? Do they look ...

It can be hard when you mess up like I do... I have glaring faults that unfortunately appear visible to others... when I become tripped up. Rejection Hurts - We are all Flawed, But all still Lovable. I have been through a very hard situation. What is new? Relationships are hard when you are not ..... I am ashamed, embarrassed and painfully hurting. A situation started after the first weeks and gone under the rug, until I spoke up last Monday... drawn into frankly, frustrated anger. I am not saying I am not to be responsible or to blame. I have dealt with God and a written apology for my part to those involved, but we received a certified letter today saying that I may not go in the building but only drop off my children in the parking lot because of my "disquieting incidents". I really feel I have let my children down... here I am again, being cut off from them because I am an "undesirable, raw-around-the-edges, not traditional churchy-lady refined, imperfec...

My head is spinning. I feel like a ball, bouncing around, bumping into wall of my thoughts, closing in on me. I do not feel I am who I really am. I feel closed up inside. Maybe another is stepping forward. Maybe more than another. Sometimes my mind seems to blow a circuit. Emotional Malfunction. I pause and suck in my upper lip... not sure why... maybe it is to still my thoughts, to order the flow going from my rattled brain into the electro-impulses in my finger tips. I am scared. I am seeing patterns, signs, behaviors... that frighten me. Something is spilling over into my core, taking over. Is it all in my mind? Can a person separate their soul into compartments maintaining control over each.... A soul/heart of a person is the mind, will and emotions.... Can I emote apart from my mind and will? Can I will without my mind and emotions? Can I think separately from my will and emotions? Do they work together as one? And if a soul is splintered, what part ...

I will show you how. Follow me. You will not have to do anything she says. Just make her think she is crazy. Join together. If she says the sky is blue, look at her like you have never heard such a thing. Glance back and forth between each other, don't answer. This will upset her, put her on edge make her doubt her capability. She is so weak and unstable. She caves so quickly. Just a little standing up against her, just a little resistance and you will be on your merry way of doing whatever you like. She will go away... she will get upset, maybe even switch altars... then she will not be speaking rational. She will ramble on... a stream of consciousness of defeat... the voice inside her head will take over. It is so easy to tip her. Resist. Don't go along. Don't show any emotion. That gets her going worse than if you outspokenly said, "No, I will not." If you did that she would know she was right to correct you, be subtle. Act like you would like to und...