Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

Another one.... another lost day.... they add up so much... so many lost days. Running on the inside, hurting on the outside. Words, oh so many words.... healing, clinging, cutting through, knowing, telling me what to do. And do I do it, or must I wait? And who can do it, or must I stay? Running on the outside, hurting on the inside. No one will see.... how they hurt me... No one will know.... pass by so slow. And does it really matter? Can it make sense? Is it so important? Looking through a lens..... Running for a living, hurting cause I'm dying. no hope, no flight, no chance, no life..... crystal spinning..... little eye lids close.... Is there any hope? Will it really help? Who will reach her know? No one seems to know? And does it really matter? Does anybody care? A blimp in the universe, with who will she share..... Can you hear it, getting louder, bellow screaming, shouting sounder? I can't hear a word. I can't see a sound. How can it be? I d...

so tired.... so tired..... I don't want to live any more. I am so tired. I have tried, and tried. Worked so very hard to be better, to be a person, to be functional, to be normal. Some would say I have .... I have done so good... I have made progress... My life is better... It is always getting better... but I know the truth......... I know I will never be OK, I will never be like others, I will never be normal, I will never assimilate, fake it til you make it doesn't really work. A life of failures.... I feel so sorry for my husband, his family, my children, friends who have crossed my path, people who just will never try or understand..... Yes, I am mad.... but I am also sorry, and angry, and sleepy, and hurting, and giving up. What reason do I have to fight?

I try to be uplifting and positive. I hope for a better me, a better day. I see things differently in my head before they occur than after I actually interact with the world. Should I try to hang on...............................? So much... nearly everything that I try ... crumbles, crashes, slips and breaks, explodes, cracks. What I see is positive, loving, giving, sharing, togetherness.... this is not reality.... and so I am hurt, slashed, hurt, disappointed.... really does anyone care, why do I sit here and share my over-bleeding emotions and heart... I really think sometimes I do to try to hang on.... to feel like if I will never be able to do anything, at least I can be a witness for some other soul - dark soul - hollow soul - pained soul... to know others are often barely hanging on also. Is that a reason to be? Is that a purpose to breath? It is so difficult... when you want to experience normalcy.... to be a mom, wife, friend.... nobody famous, nobody special .... j...

Jump! What is stopping you? Many times in life you will come to a cliff. Do you have faith? I guess that depends if you are certain of the path you are on and the creator of your path. Faith is never tested on the solid path... the steady predictable road. You can only "Jump" with joy if you know the one asking you to take the leap. Who is leading you to the edge? Listen to the music.... do you hear the music? violence, violations, victim .... fear, fighting, fury.... harm, alarm, forever storm.... questions... interrogation... irrational.  Listen for the music, do you hear the music? brutal, bloody, boxed... touched, taken, terror... Are you running? Where are you running? Are you scared? Does it matter? Do you care? Will it hurt you? Is what you hear the music? Sick, sick, sick.... in the brain, brain, brain.... just insane, sane sane.... Everywhere I run, everywhere I run..... I keep crashing into a closing pane.... I am trapped.... in pain... Do you...

I yelled. I screamed, "Screw U!" I was so angry..... but I didn't realize until later at who. Anger Rages upon My Soul Angry - I was in such a position, angry - no one put my fragile soul safe, angry - I felt trapped, angry - I came so far to be cut off, angry - I couldn't trust others...especially those in life the very people you are suppose to trust... those in life that most often are sitting in the front row of one's funeral, that have your back, that forgive, forget and protect. Anger boiled in me, burnt my soul, made me cry in deep agonizing tones howling like a wolf in the darkest night or a battle horn blown by a solider shot, wounded blood mixed with dirt crusted on what was once an optimistic uniform. Anger seethed for those who hurt me, and I became unbalanced..rolling from one event to the next...never quite finding the "be still" place in life, because stillness brought more uncertainty and PAIN... a wall of falling rocks on my path,...

Where are you looking? I am so sleepy. I am so sad - sorrow runs like a raid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way. Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP. So close, yet so far away. You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have... We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic! You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze. If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left along. BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality...

There are times when God asks us to be vulnerable to help others see. For me, this is one of those times. "I need a mommy!" mumbled the child through tears walking up and down the hallway.  Over and over, it was all she could say, the only thought that seemed to answer the hurt inside her wounded heart.  "I need a mommy! I need a mommy! I need a mommy!" she repeated as she sucked her finger for comfort. She is about  three-years old.  So confused and lost, but she knew what she was missing.  A mommy to her would be someone to take care of her, someone to love her, someone to belong to...but where, where could Mommy be found? Let me explain a little. Children raised in broken or abusive home lack security and attachment. A mother provides this as she embraces her child and gently pats her back or when she lovingly gazes in her baby's eyes. Tender times like these are vital to proper brain development. Without them the brain does not allows chemicals t...

Sometimes when you live a life after abuse.... you tend to be most emotional about the crud days... and so it tends to be what you write most about. A benefit of living through trauma is "normal blah ordinary days" can be quite special. Take Time to Savor Small Joys Today, for me, is such a day. My sink is full of dishes, my bed still has to be made, I am not even sure I have brushed my hair or teeth... but I have a overwhelming warm glow resonating from inside out... and a very real smile on my face... What's up? My relationships with my family... and God. I had a GREAT talk with all of my children together and individually. My son wanted to learn to fix french toast. So we did that together... he even wanted to get a cookbook out. It seems we are together more... making attempts to lovingly appreciate little times... but most of all each other. I love hearing my children talk together.... it helps when mom is not emotionally off-balance. And I love he...

Little Bird, Who Do You Trust? Once so small, so tender too.. Little bird, what must I do? In the wind, it pulls swiftly at me, Do I take flight, stay, or just wait and see? I am a fragile soul, like bird, Who will protect me, who will listen so I am heard? I am in the safety of Your palm. Nothing can touch me that is not in Your plan. As a little bird, I look up to You. Oh, God, show me what I must do? "Be true to thyself and what you feel. Honoring pain, admitting it is real. Little bird, you are free... fly away .... live life as it should be. Fly away home, Little Bird." TRUST Take Flight! Trust - that was the whole theme. Once broken it is hard so seam. No instant glue can mend the ragged tear. Convincing, coaxing, pushing makes it just harder to bare. Trust - fragile and so easily broken. Shredded by words either said or unspoken. Actions always speak louder than words. They reveal your true hand, intension are hea...

I am so sleepy. I am so sad - sorrow runs like a rapid crashing into rocks, whips past trees, no life is safe in nature's way. Splintered, shattered, bobbled brain... bouncing, rolling to a thud - STOP. So close, yet so far away. You missed it... You should have... You lost out... You would have... We know what is best. God set it up. We know the mind of God for you. How Tragic! You were offered what you needed, but you walked away. Fool, frightened little fool. It was there for the taking but you crumbled... you couldn't walk, you couldn't talk.... you wept, you hurt, you froze. If only you did it our way.... "Have it our way"  Loser! We all gained, you lost! We all embraced, you are left alone. BUT WHY? God why? If it was You, why did I dare not go. I did not hear You calling... All the warnings blared into my soul.... "it's a trap" "you can't trust them" "they don't live in reality" "they desperatel...

Trust - broken  - abusing dad stays by my mothers hospital bed - a little something everyone forgot to say... Come, Come Play Your Role, You are Casted in our Play! did we forget to mention that... did we mislead.... did we conveniently leave out that tiny detail... trust broken... how... how can you say you don't trust us? Oh, we didn't think it was a big deal, it is normal for us, we let bygones by bygones. We choose not to remember the past, we aim to live in the present. We move forward... You can trust us? Don't want to begin re-telling the source of my detaching desire to leave my feelings. That is why I start at numb. Not numb because I am unemotional - not feeling. This is not about you... its is about our dying mother. You can trust us? Yeah, we know... you haven't seen him in almost ten years... maybe longer... you have stayed away from weddings, new births, funerals, holidays.... but we were suppose to know it mattered... we were suppose to keep ...

I have found a place to be me... to share it all, unhindered about reputation, not intimidated about people turning on me, using my own words to trap me, control me, hurt me.... Everyone longs for a place in life to be real. So few ever find it. Being naked, being raw, being wrong, being broken, being enough, being accepted, being loved....just as I am... right now, this very minute! Content, at peace, able to take in a long deep breath of cleansing air, and let go all "living up to" expectations. With God, in the secret place, when you have disciplined yourself to learn to be still, to drop concerns, to know His voice, to know Him - His ocean of love Thorny interruptions - time to stop! and then it is all over.... in enters people, talking, wanting, needing... sharing what is important to who ever it is... totally oblivious to interrupting ... rambling, talking, never stopping, wanting to engage in something imaginary, a game.... clicking, tapping, constant noise,...